Security and Peace - The search is over

I have spent my life trying to feel safe.  I never felt secure after I lost my mother early on and this drove me to look constantly for security.  I felt like I had lost something and I needed so desperately to find it.

When I found new love the first time I thought "this is it " this was the thing I had been missing.  I gripped it so tightly but as we all know that first love feeling doesn't last.  I was too young to know that then and blamed myself for the failure of those early relationships.  I was not good enough is what I believed. 

I searched next for a different kind of love and found my first addiction relationship. It was a fierce love and the intensity of that love made me feel safe. It was intoxicating and we were the same touching the parts of us that needed to feel safe.  Unfortunately you can't do that for someone else. It only works when the neediness is equal if there is a crisis where one person needs the other person more can bring it all crashing down. I learned in this relationship it was not safe fo me to be needy.

After experiencing that I moved on to loyalty and routine. Another broken person but not so volatile it felt safer a daily routine.  A loved and felt love for awhile and it seemed like a good bet for feeling secure.  I didn't jump in like I had all the other relationships I had been burned and wanted to try something different. It was good for long while but I still felt lonely a lot.  I definitely got the security I thought I wanted but the trade off was that I was alone in a relationship.

When I lost that relationship I turned to God and sought out very intensely the meaning of life.  Spirituality and something greater than myself had always been part of my personal beliefs but at this time I needed it to be more and it replaced that search for someone physical to satisfy me. Just like all intense relationships it didn't sustain me or make me feel safe.

When I step back and see that my life has been spent looking for something that doesn't really exist I feel somehow relieved that I can let go.  There isn't one person or even God that can give me that security the young girl in me wants so badly.  I can be free now to just enjoy everyday life and the miracles that present themselves.

Wanting all the time kept my mind busy and it me exhausted. I can now be content to just be here and be grateful.  I do still rely on the wisdom I got from having a spiritual journey and I do think that collectively those that believe in something greater than themselves are usually happier.

The world on its own isn't a loving place and being with other people that have found some peace is inspiring.  Maybe because we are positive unit a spiritual energy together.  It sounds weird but we are all connected and we can carry peace to others with just our presence every day.

Not wanting something more - freedom

I have been a little apprehensive about writing here because the traffic was coming from an unsavory source.  It appears to have been corrected.

I have returned to my happy self after my trip to see my family.  I hadn't wanted to admit to myself that it was the trip and what I felt while I was there that was making me sad. The girl in me imagined that if I could be a part of my family would make me feel complete.  This is what I have been looking for in every relationship I have had since my mother died. 

I first married someone who was overly protective of me.  Someone that would literally fight for me if I needed them to no one had ever done that for me. Since my dad never even verbally stood up for me after my mother died this was really appealing. I ended up with a raging maniac in the end who wanted to control me every minute. I moved on to the duplicate of dad a relief that felt so familiar and the relationship did help me work through all the indifference I felt with my dad.

The point is that I have always felt something was missing.  I had moments where I felt safe and secure and loved but inevitably history repeated itself and I was left. Rejected just like that girl who left home at sixteen. They wanted me there for my cleaning and babysitting skills because I was reliable as a support staff. This also has been repeated in all of my relationships.

Getting back to the visit with my sister.  I felt invisible there or worse like just another person to manage around all the drama.  When you are given instructions about what not to say or ask about. I just stayed silent most of the time.  I enjoyed having one lunch with my sister just the two of us. We talked about life and her kids.  We are similar in many ways which always surprises us both.

I think what I have been looking for is a rare thing.  I want to feel like I matter to someone when most of the time people are so wrapped up in their own life that they can't even see you most less appreciate you. The next thing I ask myself is "do I appreciate other people?" probably not as much as I should.  My own life circumstances has made me pretty self absorbed and autonomous.

When I lost the idea of who I was 10 years ago I almost didn't recover.  I never imagined that I could be happy just being myself and not wanting something more from someone. A maturity that I didn't think was possible. Today I feel that a kind of freedom that is hard to explain.

My recent sadness was from realizing that what I want cannot be found with my family or anyone else.  I have been mourning that loss since I got back. I am happy again because I can see that I don't have to keeping trying so hard to make myself a part them. Their indifference to me has nothing to do with me or whether I am worthy of their love.  They are just wrapped up in their own story.

I have decided to stop thinking that I will spend my twilight years with my family and make other plans.  I have also decided that I will make less visits and maybe get my sister to meet me somewhere for a long weekend.  She is growing too and realizing her kids want to manage their lives without her input. She is accepting that she has done her job and they have to find their own way.

I have been working on my house and very busy at work the two things I do love.  I am wrapping up my oil painting class something that makes me feel more balance.  I feel good just being me and not wanting something more. Enjoying each day as it comes.