I have spent my life trying to feel safe. I never felt secure after I lost my mother early on and this drove me to look constantly for security. I felt like I had lost something and I needed so desperately to find it.
When I found new love the first time I thought "this is it " this was the thing I had been missing. I gripped it so tightly but as we all know that first love feeling doesn't last. I was too young to know that then and blamed myself for the failure of those early relationships. I was not good enough is what I believed.
I searched next for a different kind of love and found my first addiction relationship. It was a fierce love and the intensity of that love made me feel safe. It was intoxicating and we were the same touching the parts of us that needed to feel safe. Unfortunately you can't do that for someone else. It only works when the neediness is equal if there is a crisis where one person needs the other person more can bring it all crashing down. I learned in this relationship it was not safe fo me to be needy.
After experiencing that I moved on to loyalty and routine. Another broken person but not so volatile it felt safer a daily routine. A loved and felt love for awhile and it seemed like a good bet for feeling secure. I didn't jump in like I had all the other relationships I had been burned and wanted to try something different. It was good for long while but I still felt lonely a lot. I definitely got the security I thought I wanted but the trade off was that I was alone in a relationship.
When I lost that relationship I turned to God and sought out very intensely the meaning of life. Spirituality and something greater than myself had always been part of my personal beliefs but at this time I needed it to be more and it replaced that search for someone physical to satisfy me. Just like all intense relationships it didn't sustain me or make me feel safe.
When I step back and see that my life has been spent looking for something that doesn't really exist I feel somehow relieved that I can let go. There isn't one person or even God that can give me that security the young girl in me wants so badly. I can be free now to just enjoy everyday life and the miracles that present themselves.
Wanting all the time kept my mind busy and it me exhausted. I can now be content to just be here and be grateful. I do still rely on the wisdom I got from having a spiritual journey and I do think that collectively those that believe in something greater than themselves are usually happier.
The world on its own isn't a loving place and being with other people that have found some peace is inspiring. Maybe because we are positive unit a spiritual energy together. It sounds weird but we are all connected and we can carry peace to others with just our presence every day.
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