This hasn't been a great week emotionally my friend suffered some sort of mental break and has been hospitalized. It wasn't as bad as before and actually went to their counselor and agreed to go to a facility. I am going there today for the first time.
The work week was my long week and it was pounding me every day and again I thought "how long can I do this?" but I do really love it and when you are busy you are efficient and have no choice but to stay in the zone. By the end of the day Saturday I sat slumped at my desk staring at the screen trying to finish one last file. I couldn't do it I just saved everything and left. I went and had a good dinner and came home and crashed.
I feel wobbly today and decided to get dressed and leave the house. I went to my favorite furniture consignment store but it was only 12 and they opened at 1. I decided to drive to the used bookstore downtown and look for a bible. I have had this thought on and off that maybe I should read the Bible as an adult and at least see if there is something new for me there. I didn't need a Bible because I have a half dozen already but I wanted something besides the King James version. I have a big credit at the used place so I picked up a couple of versions plus a couple of study guides.
I was raised on the Bible and know more than most about what it says or at least I think I do. I was listening to Eckhart Tolle who I believed saved me with his teachings by explaining his own mental health issues. How he separated his inner spiritual self from his stream of thoughts that had him living in fear. Today the first Bible I opened and the first page I looked at said Eckhart on it I thought this was a sign. It was Meister Eckhart c1260 - 1328 and evidently Eckhart Tolle changed his name to Eckhart after reading is teachings. The living Eckhart during an interview I saw last night quoted the Bible and I didn't recognize the scripture and I thought I should do some studying.
I know for a lot of people it is hard to be open minded about religion. I was indoctrinated from birth and that indoctrination made me strong but the people who were suppose to love me and take care of me abandoned me in the name of Jesus so I rejected the church. I have investigated a lot of different beliefs and they are really the same at the core. The oldest religions say the same thing as Christ "do unto to others as you would have them do unto you". It is kindness, understanding and love that leads us to a better place.
I ended my running around today back at the consignment store. I saw a 60's orange leatherette chair but I resisted and left it. I walked next door to the antiques store where I started feeling really sad. They were playing music from the 70's Baby Boomer music and I thought "I am old" and all this stuff belongs to people who are no longer around". I was born the last year of the Baby Boomers and I do love that 70's music but I felt tears come to my eyes. After my mother died there was no one to stop us from listening to the devil's music.
I feel lucky that I am not in a hospital but I can understand how people get there. Sometimes we just can't cope with this life with all it's changes. When things don't turn out the way you imagined them to then you have to decide where to go from there. Your mind is always looking for a solution a way to get away from feeling so uncomfortable. The voice in your head says I can't do this it is too hard and sometimes will take over your mind.
This happened to me and I am a strong person but too many changes happened at once. I can't say how I came out of it but it is a miracle. I come from a long line of strong headed hard working people who never give up. This is the benefit of good genes and my religious upbringing. I somehow knew there was a way out if I could wait until tomorrow maybe I could figure it out so I waited and little by little I got better.
Today I don't have the negative voice in my head and I don't believe every thought that I have anymore. I do believe in the "Power of Now" and know that if I feel sad and weepy at the store then it is okay and it will pass.
I believe that we have a spiritual core that if we can quiet the mind we find peace. You can call that the holy spirit or inner spirit it doesn't matter.
I am resting and taking care of myself for the next 24 hours. No work until Tuesday.
Sunday, August 25, 2019
Sunday, August 11, 2019
Bear at the back door - Towers
It seems I always start my post with a review of the week. This post will be no different and I have to say this has been a particularly hard week with too much on my plate especially compared to how slow it was in July. Most days 10 hours or more which leaves very little in the gas tank by Sunday.
That is all I have to say about that. A line from Forrest Gump which I saw for about a minute yesterday that movie sometimes gets on my nerves. I slept late hung over from my six day week thinking I would do my usual Sunday ritual and work in my yard but after putting on bug spray and walking around the yard here I am writing this post.
I did talk to my sister for a few minutes this morning using face time while I drank my coffee. She had accidentally called me while carrying her tablet around the house. We cut it short because she had to get ready for church. We have started using face time to show each other our flowers and projects around the house. I am not too keen to have her see my waking up and drinking coffee face. My southern roots go deep and no one see you until you put your face on. Anyway it was a nice short conversation her telling me a bear came to her back door this week.
She lives in the mountains and apparently this is pretty common. Their property is steep and no one lives above them and bears periodically stroll through the back yard. In my world the only bears are the two legged kind. She said she would just make sure and lock the door when she lets the dog in and out from now on. Good idea.
In my recovery from the week I watched Moonstruck last night. Watching things over and over help still my mind. I really don't need to be engaged in something new and I have found knowing what will happen next puts me into a more meditative state before going to sleep.
In the movie they show a beautiful picture of a harvest moon next to the twin towers. It always makes me sad to see that part of the movie. I think about how much has changed about our world since then. In the movie there is a scene at the airport where he is picking up his bags before our current security. They use to just make sure you had your bag.
The other movie I watch regularly is Family Man. I really like Nicolas Cage and he is in both Moonstruck and Family Man. Ironically Family Man was filmed just before the towers went down. He drives to the city in the snow on Christmas day and their they are a really beautiful shot. It was common up until then to show a picture of the towers in movies so the watcher knows what city the character lives. Now the show the Chrysler Building.
We are coming up on the anniversary an we have as a country for the most part moved on. What choice do we have? Our time here is short and every day we need to take care of what is right in front of us. Our family and friends even strangers that we meet each day showing kindness and tolerance along the way. Spending our time doing things that bring us joy and peace.
With our electronic connections to the world today it can seem overwhelming. We might feel like there is no point in doing anything. Bad things have gone since man was in charge it is no wonder the planet is trying to get rid of us. The difference now is that we know more of the details and it makes it real and our fear is it could happen to us. We have to find our peace within our own lives.
Even though this may seem life a sad post it isn't really. Life is good and I feel encouraged that we as humans can overcome most anything thrown at us. We get into trouble when we spend our free time preparing for some disaster that will probably never come. Life is randon and short we can't afford to waste the time we have. That is all I have to say about that.
That is all I have to say about that. A line from Forrest Gump which I saw for about a minute yesterday that movie sometimes gets on my nerves. I slept late hung over from my six day week thinking I would do my usual Sunday ritual and work in my yard but after putting on bug spray and walking around the yard here I am writing this post.
I did talk to my sister for a few minutes this morning using face time while I drank my coffee. She had accidentally called me while carrying her tablet around the house. We cut it short because she had to get ready for church. We have started using face time to show each other our flowers and projects around the house. I am not too keen to have her see my waking up and drinking coffee face. My southern roots go deep and no one see you until you put your face on. Anyway it was a nice short conversation her telling me a bear came to her back door this week.
She lives in the mountains and apparently this is pretty common. Their property is steep and no one lives above them and bears periodically stroll through the back yard. In my world the only bears are the two legged kind. She said she would just make sure and lock the door when she lets the dog in and out from now on. Good idea.
In my recovery from the week I watched Moonstruck last night. Watching things over and over help still my mind. I really don't need to be engaged in something new and I have found knowing what will happen next puts me into a more meditative state before going to sleep.
In the movie they show a beautiful picture of a harvest moon next to the twin towers. It always makes me sad to see that part of the movie. I think about how much has changed about our world since then. In the movie there is a scene at the airport where he is picking up his bags before our current security. They use to just make sure you had your bag.
The other movie I watch regularly is Family Man. I really like Nicolas Cage and he is in both Moonstruck and Family Man. Ironically Family Man was filmed just before the towers went down. He drives to the city in the snow on Christmas day and their they are a really beautiful shot. It was common up until then to show a picture of the towers in movies so the watcher knows what city the character lives. Now the show the Chrysler Building.
We are coming up on the anniversary an we have as a country for the most part moved on. What choice do we have? Our time here is short and every day we need to take care of what is right in front of us. Our family and friends even strangers that we meet each day showing kindness and tolerance along the way. Spending our time doing things that bring us joy and peace.
With our electronic connections to the world today it can seem overwhelming. We might feel like there is no point in doing anything. Bad things have gone since man was in charge it is no wonder the planet is trying to get rid of us. The difference now is that we know more of the details and it makes it real and our fear is it could happen to us. We have to find our peace within our own lives.
Even though this may seem life a sad post it isn't really. Life is good and I feel encouraged that we as humans can overcome most anything thrown at us. We get into trouble when we spend our free time preparing for some disaster that will probably never come. Life is randon and short we can't afford to waste the time we have. That is all I have to say about that.
Saturday, August 3, 2019
Odd - Slump - Better than normal
I was in a slump for about a week. I did something that I haven't done in more than five years and it may have triggered the emotions. I got a massage. I know it sounds decadent but in reality it is really good for your body and your mind especially if you don't have regular physical touch by another person or even a furry pet.
Apparently is raises your own feel good oxytocin hormone. The added benefit is that most pain we feel in our joints is really in our muscles surrounding our joints. It can be intense the first time plus the next day you feel strange mostly from getting your muscles put back where they belong. You also release toxins built up in the muscle. If you drink a lot water afterward and for a few days you can avoid these feelings. This is therapeutic massage not the kind of massage you get on vacation.
How does this relate to being in a slump? First I got the woman's name from my first and only
sponsor in the program. When I started going to meetings again a few years ago she texted me this woman's name. I eventually stopped going to that meeting because I wasn't feeling better and I think I secretly wanted to reconnect with her. We didn't reconnect and she hardly said hello to me.
I don't think it was personal she is just busy doing a million things and I wasn't on her radar. I have to admit since I went through the darkness and back into the light I can't be the person I was before. I don't feel like I really belong anymore. I had an awakening and there is no going back.
I have been listening to Eckhart Tolle recently and I feel my own beliefs align with his teachings. The peace I feel until my ego decides it is unhappy with how things are and that I am to blame for it.
Mostly I feel alone and happy but sometimes the voice in my head says "look what you have done - you have no one". On good days I know that isn't true on the bad days I list all the people that are not in my life anymore. Worse I know some of them I could call and we could see each other but the person they knew doesn't live here anymore.
I am odd and I know I am odd but I love and accept myself the way I haven't before. I wish I could find other people like me but I am not sure where to go. Today I am content to work in my yard and finish re-upholstering my grandmothers chair.
One tip the massage therapist gave was that you should periodically change side of the bed. She said couple don't do this enough and end up with serious mis - alignments in the their hips and backs. I never thought of that before.
Apparently is raises your own feel good oxytocin hormone. The added benefit is that most pain we feel in our joints is really in our muscles surrounding our joints. It can be intense the first time plus the next day you feel strange mostly from getting your muscles put back where they belong. You also release toxins built up in the muscle. If you drink a lot water afterward and for a few days you can avoid these feelings. This is therapeutic massage not the kind of massage you get on vacation.
How does this relate to being in a slump? First I got the woman's name from my first and only
sponsor in the program. When I started going to meetings again a few years ago she texted me this woman's name. I eventually stopped going to that meeting because I wasn't feeling better and I think I secretly wanted to reconnect with her. We didn't reconnect and she hardly said hello to me.
I don't think it was personal she is just busy doing a million things and I wasn't on her radar. I have to admit since I went through the darkness and back into the light I can't be the person I was before. I don't feel like I really belong anymore. I had an awakening and there is no going back.
I have been listening to Eckhart Tolle recently and I feel my own beliefs align with his teachings. The peace I feel until my ego decides it is unhappy with how things are and that I am to blame for it.
Mostly I feel alone and happy but sometimes the voice in my head says "look what you have done - you have no one". On good days I know that isn't true on the bad days I list all the people that are not in my life anymore. Worse I know some of them I could call and we could see each other but the person they knew doesn't live here anymore.
I am odd and I know I am odd but I love and accept myself the way I haven't before. I wish I could find other people like me but I am not sure where to go. Today I am content to work in my yard and finish re-upholstering my grandmothers chair.
One tip the massage therapist gave was that you should periodically change side of the bed. She said couple don't do this enough and end up with serious mis - alignments in the their hips and backs. I never thought of that before.
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