It is amazing just what a teacher life continues to be for me. I am getting ready to take a trip visiting friends and family. I have been hesitant to visit my sisters after my last visit resulted in a slump that lasted a few weeks even to the point people commented on my change in mood. Yesterday I was debating whether to go or not.
I am not sure they really want me there and I feel that I am just another person to manage. I have spent so much of my time off there and have been disappointed with how I felt when returned home. Should I subject myself to another one of these visits? With this thought I got really sad yesterday. I was thinking they really don't want me there. Then I thought "just another place I don't fit in." Where do I belong a life long quest that has taken up so much of my life that I have let me opportunities for connection to slip by.
What I realized yesterday it isn't the idea "I don't belong" that makes me sad it is that I don't think I deserve to belong. I have spent my life trying to find a way out of my own pain and everyone has gone on without me. Why should they want to include me in their lives I haven't been there for them.
I got to stop right there. This is just another self absorbed thought that can siphon away my time and energy. This is just the kind of ideas that hold me back from just living and being content with life the way it is now.
Everybody is just trying to find there way through life. I have been blessed with the ability to get past myself sometimes and see clearly just how my thoughts are hurting me. My ego would like to believe that everything is about me but the truth is no one is thinking that much about me. They are too busy getting through there own problem.
I my paralyzing fear of feeling I don't deserve to be wanted. I decided to stop and meditate. This is when I could see the truth and turned it over to a power greater than myself. I said "you have to work this out - I am out of it."
I got in my car and drove to an art store twenty minutes away. In that time my sister called and I told her of my plan to visit weekend after next. Everyone was in the car coming back from my nephews birthday brunch. They were really happy that I was coming but my niece was staying with her boss's kids for the weekend and thought that this coming weekend would be better if I wanted to see her.
I had already made plans to stop at my aunts and then my friends ending at my sisters. Just in case I decided not to go at all. I said I would see what I could do. When I reached the store I sat there in my car and with in minutes my friend called. I told her about my sister's request she said "no problem we were just going to hang out anyway." My aunt calls while we are still talking and I take the call. She says she has been sick I tell her about the change and she says "great". All in about 30 minutes.
As a sometimes self absorbed neurotic I do take responsibility to for everything. My analytical mind can only see my own part in anything that doesn't go my way. Yes I haven't always been there for my sister and her family but she was living in a severely dysfunctional situation and didn't really want me to know what was going on.
We have suffered all these years alone with our problems and not feeling we wanted to let each other in on our secrets. She is 4 years older and wanted to appear to have it all together. This is how we have survived without our mother. Just suck it up and move on. This doesn't work long term.
So I got over myself and thought so what if I haven't done everything right I have done my best. It is my own self blame that hurts me and drags back to the past. I am good person and have done my best even if some times it wasn't good enough.
I am happy to have this blog to gather my thoughts. It saved my life when I started it so long ago but now it just keeps me honest about my feelings.
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