Uncomfortable in crisis - Peace is the new normal

I feel like most of the time I am just waking up and seeing life for the first time.  I am surprised every day how lost I have been in my own emotions and thinking to really see things clearly. This past year I have been able to see just how lost I have been in my own version of life.

I never had any specific goals early on I was just trying to survive.  I thought life was just a series of crisis that you had to survive.  Beginning in childhood with a fundamentalist upbringing where God was watching you 24/7 so you better not make a mistake to living with the affects of alcoholism in all of my relationships.

This past year I have been mostly alone with myself cleaning up some of the final issues of my thinking that has really kept me stuck. I have always wanted to feel safe and knowing it or not that is what I have been looking for in every relationship. The idea that their is a safe place is an illusion.

I do believe that in every situation their is a flow that if we don't resist it will bring us comfort.  Early on I had a plan that I thought would make me feel safe.  I was sure if I did every thing right that the result would get me the emotional security I was looking for.

That relationship brought out every insecurity I ever had about being alone and being trapped. It is harder to be alone with someone than it is to be by yourself.  I always remember looking at the people who started out loving me and thinking this person seems like a stranger to me.

I think when a relationship ends the person who wants to leave has to make the other person a villain. If not a true villain then a non person no matter how long you have been together.  They just can't live with their decision to leave unless they can make you a non-person.

We all change over time and start to realize that life is short and we want to find happiness out there somewhere. A relationship in a rut can make you feel dead inside and wondering "is this all there is?"
For some people the lure of a new relationship seems to be the answer to all their problems and it is temporarily. We all know over time we get back to that same place.

I do believe that you can find someone that is more suited for you but they have to have the emotional maturity to adapt to change. I am not interested in a routine that locks me into a place where my mind is not engaged. I want to be with someone that understands that things change and you have to adapt.

I have to admit that being in constant crisis most of my life I was never bored. It has been living with peace that has made me nuts. I had to realize that I was getting a pay off for being so lost in dealing with crisis all the time.  It wasn't until I found peace long enough to decide that crisis felt less comfortable.  Where peace feels normal and I am not willing to give it up for anything.