I cam across a technique called EMDR it is either administered visually or by sound. It is used to address PTSD and has been around for a long time. I saw a therapist on a YouTube stations called "Your Inner Mammal". The technique is suppose to distract you thinking brain long enough to heal the buried trauma you have. I did research this before and it has been quite effective for some people.
It is recommended that you use a certified therapist for this technique but I am my own therapist at this point so I decided to give it a try. They have three methods visual, auditory and tapping on alternately on two sides of the body. I am not recommending this for anyone else.
I don't really feel I have hidden trauma all my trauma was right out there in plain view so I just decided to go with the flow. I used the visual clip first and didn't feel anything special then I tried the one with music. This uses headphones that play music and alternates tonal beeps from the left ear to right ear and is very pleasing to listen to.
I was in my meditation for a few minutes when my mother popped up. She felt physically there and I was a small child again with my arms around here neck. I started sobbing and she said to me "I trusted you and I knew you would be alright no matter what".
You have to understand that my mother and I had a stressful relationship. I was a "willful child" and had my own ideas about everything and we battled constantly. I never understood why we had to do the things we did everyday. I questioned everything and ended up getting whipped a lot. My mother was in charge of discipline in our family and she believed in "spare the rod and spoil the child".
I know she loved me but we were at constant odds with each other. She worried constantly about my ability to fit in with the other kids. I didn't really understand why this was so important to her. Most of the kids seemed boring to me and I was always looking for adventure. Besides when you are strong willed diagnosed ADD and raised in a Pentecostal church you have some likability issues.
When she got sick she didn't have the energy to focus on me or discipline me anymore. I have felt guilty all my life that I was such a problem child and that I caused her such grief. I have felt that she gave up on me at some point because I couldn't be sorted out.
In my meditation when I heard "I trusted you and knew you would be alright" it felt like relief to me. It wasn't that she gave up and was disappointed in me it was she trusted in my ability to go on without her. I felt she somehow knew I would make it even though I was so young.
This was strange to me that this came up so quickly I haven't been thinking about her or my childhood lately. I have believed all my life that I am a problem to others. I don't want to be a burden and have tried to focus on taking care of myself. I have been autonomous emotionally. Spending my time in the background and supporting other people.
I felt relieved when I emerged from the meditation. I felt had really seen my mother for the first time since my childhood. She was holding me something I that I don't remember happening too often.
I going to say the therapy was a success for me. I feel I am working towards more freedom emotionally and that works for me. I am in transition right now purging the past and getting ready for an exciting future.
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