I had to drive north about an hour for an appointment on Thursday. It is a beautiful drive and I decided to put in an old Dixie Chicks CD and while listening tears started running down my face.
I was surprised by this and wondered what was going on. It was the first CD they made after their country music fall from grace. It has some great come back songs that everyone can relate to but this isn't what moved me. I bought this CD just before my own life imploded.
One sound with these words "I love the silence you create for me." I thought I had found the person I would spend the rest of my life with and they understood me. It turns out that this was in my mind only and almost laughable now. We create our reality mostly in our heads and refuse to see the truth mainly because it is just to hard to accept.
If I had known that my life was about to break open and it would lead me to the darkest times of my life I would have stopped living.
I lost everything that defined who I thought I was during that time. My relationship, my home my career. It was so devastating that it sent me into to menopause overnight. Most of my friends ran from me because the person they knew was missing. I knew I was missing too but there was nothing I could do about it.
What happened me I think was caused by my inability to accept the changes being forced on me. I could no longer identify with the person I thought I was up until then. The stress of it all caused my body and mind to start rejecting itself. I didn't get help because I thought I could handle it myself.
I shut down and walked through my
life like a robot. I showed up when it was absolutely necessary but when it
wasn't I sat alone and stared or I walked in the woods alone. Being with other
people felt like putting on a sandpaper suit. I had one person who let me just be without expectation.
I thought about ending my life everyday mainly because I couldn't imagine feeling this empty and uninterested in life forever. What would be the point in continuing was what I was thinking. I was past grief and sadness and really felt nothing. The more I tried to figure out how I got there the worse I felt. I finally just quit and just accepted that this is the new me.
I didn't act on my feelings because of some great reverence for life but it required me to do something. I told myself everyday that I could decide again tomorrow. I remember one moment I heard a voice in my head say "you are doing this to yourself." What did that mean?
I sat with that for a long time and realized that I was punishing myself for not being enough. I believed that there was something about me that caused these losses in my life. I thought that I was, at the core, not lovable and I had proof. I had list of the rejections or blatant indifference from the people who said they loved me. No one wanted me.
I thought I was a strong person and was happy to take care of other people. I am strong but I also have needs even if I never acknowledged them. I finally turned this self care back to myself and decided to be enough for me first instead of always looking outside myself for proof that I am lovable.
I know what happened to me was both physical and mental. I was too out of it to care about what was happening to me. When I finally went to the doctor my thyroid was barely working and I was close to Hashimoto's disease. Living in crisis had exhausted my body's ability to function and my brain wasn't working right either.
My recovery was slow and with time I started to function better. I never have returned to the person I was before and for that I am grateful. I am worthy of the love and care I give myself today. I can't say enough the role that food has played in the way I think. My mind is clear and I am happy. Our emotions are fueled by the food we eat.
The tears those songs brought to my eyes were tears of gratitude. I can forgive the past even if I can't always forget it. I can see that I was a child emotionally in that relationship looking for something that no person can give you - unconditional love.
I can make that drive now and see the beauty in the surrounding marshes and enjoy being alive. I can forgive myself for being lost so many years missing what was there all along. The gift of today and all it has to offer me.
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