My mind is always trying to simplify things which is different than it use to be when complicated thinking kept me from living my life. I was always out there in the future or worse reliving the past over and over trying to gleam some knowledge that would help me avoid some future disaster. Did this work?
This is a laughable question. We think we can out think life and prepare for what could be coming but what happens is something that wasn't on the list at all. We think with self improvement we can spot our own flaws and avoid the same mistakes twice. Does this work?
This another laughable question. I blame my analytical mind for wasting most of my life trying to solve the puzzle of human existence. I thought if I tried hard enough I could avoid repeating the mistakes of others and repeating my own mistakes and avoid suffering.
When something unexpected either something small like a bad day at work or something big like loss of someone you love it feels personal. In my own life I took it personally but even worse I felt responsible and didn't have the maturity to see that it wasn't something I had done. Thanks to my upbringing I thought when my mother died God was punishing me for not being a perfect. I was strong willed and I needed to be to change this seemed logical to me.
Then I got a new mother and she hated me and treated me with constant disdain. I tried to be good but nothing I did was good enough. I did everything as perfectly as I could but I was not lovable. I didn't belong so I left. I jumped into any relationship that made me feel secure even for a moment. I attracted those that wanted to possess me this made me feel loved and protected. Like me they all had the same problem of not being enough.
I looked every where for the part I thought I had missing. I never found a place where I fit. I couldn't accept the failings of my life and of my relationships. The Al-Anon program taught about acceptance and I accepted the shortcomings of other but not myself. I knew if I worked harder I could get the life that played out in my head.
My failures intersected a decade ago when I lost everything that I thought defined me. I had done everything to the best of my ability and it hadn't worked. I had no where to go and my mind could not grasp the situation and it broke. I had nothing left to begin again.
After a lifetime the person I had been was gone. I fought hard at first to pretend I was still there but this made me feel worse. Finally I heard "let go" and I did. I thought at that moment I would die but it was quite the opposite I felt nothing. The whirling thoughts in my mind disappeared and it was quiet for the first time. It felt weird with nothing there but I got use to it and then I started to enjoy it.
I told myself "okay this is who you are now - it isn't so bad" I had no labels for myself that I had to live up to. At the time I didn't even imagine a future for myself. I just stayed where I was until I eventually moved on. First small things caught my attention while things that I use to love faded altogether. Without much effort mainly just in time I became a new person or who I was beneath all the along.
Today I am happy and I don't waste time scolding myself for my flaws. I also know that I will face what ever comes when it gets here. The future is unknown and only our ability to bounce back is important. We can't live happy lives if we are always bracing ourselves for the worse. We will miss the joy today has to offer us and see the people that may not be part of our lives in the future.
This is something I do regret about my constant forward and future motion I missed the real moments life had to offer. I spent my waking hours focused on the future and the pain I carried with me instead of just being there. Nothing stays the same as time marches on so love moments instead of planning a future that is only in your mind. The future is today.
This is a time of year that we celebrate miracles and I consider myself a miracle. I did not believe that I could be happy again. I didn't know that I could start the day singing and not just surviving. I am grateful for my journey even though I lost a lot years. I don't plan on losing another day on the future.
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