For some reason this time of year is my favorite it seems like even if it is hot outside the light is changing. I feel more energized and feel like I need to do some housekeeping. Not literally even though I do like order I am not a clean freak. When I was young waiting for my drinker to come home I spent that time cleaning and watching the clock. This broke me of my cleaning obsession.
My sister recently said that I should spend more time at the beach. She lives in the mountains so the beach seems like the perfect solution to anything. I have lived near the beach since I was 17 and I did go not for real pleasure but as a place to grieve. I associate the beach with all those years and I not that person anymore. I was grieving a lifetime of loss and now I just deal with loss and grief everyday as it comes up.
I don't feel lost and alone anymore and I am not waiting for the people that say they love me to do the right thing. I thought their love would cure the deep sadness I had inside left by the loss of my mother. I picked people who had the same idea that I could cure their deep loss too. They left me because they thought someone else would cure the sadness. I interpreted this as "I am not lovable".
This idea I thought was based on facts and I didn't realize that it was also based on immaturity. I have been without adult support since my mother got sick. My dad took living in the present to a whole new level more like out of sight out of mind. I didn't mind and knew how to take care of myself. The only problem was that my expectations of life and dealing with people stayed from that eight year old perspective.
It didn't help that I am strong and appear confident even though inside I am sensitive and can see and feel every emotion in any person around me. If your sad then I am sad. I think this is something I was born with I can also see motives behind emotions. The subtle manipulation between people even if they don't realize it themselves.
I stayed true to myself until I ended up in a bad situation when my dad remarried. I am smart and realized I had to become who she wanted me to be to survive. It worked to begin with but then as with all sick people the rules changed and I could not keep up. At 14 I became seriously depressed and slept when I was going to school or doing chores.
This was the eight year old in me trying to survive. I felt trapped in this sadness and my life was a prison. I did try to escape but I was too young and I was brought back and the situation got worse. This was the beginning of my feeling shut down and I have repeated this situation with all my adult relationships.
When your in a situation where there isn't any way out your mind just blows a casket. For my own analytical mind it just kept looking for a solution a way out. This was the first time I thought it would be easier not to be alive. I never acted on this because I really felt too paralyzed to do anything.
I felt totally trapped with no way out of my own misery. I have felt that feeling my whole life like I am not where I should be and worse I am not like other people who can just mindlessly go through life not thinking about too much.
When I have been in relationships I felt stuck and stagnant doing routine things that felt like a weight tied around my neck under water. I tried to speak up but everybody liked that I was taking care of them and I liked feeling needed. Nobody thanked me for my service and the eight year old was expecting something in return.
I can do a lot and I enjoy doing it but I also get tired and any routine is the death of me. I have wanted love all my life and I have experienced it but it felt conditional. Life is conditional is what I wish my eight year old understood all those years. You should do what you want and either people love you or not.
You can't do this until you know your own worth. I needed to be needed to prove to myself that I was lovable. This wasn't love it was other people being happy to have me do everything for them who wouldn't? Don't get me wrong I have been loved and I was the one who gave them everything without demanding anything in return. I was earning their love.
I have always felt like a servant in my relationships when I wasn't performing then support and love was withdrawn. As an eight year old I blamed myself for not being good enough and tried to make myself better never realizing that this does not work.
I have been happy for awhile now an only recently have felt a since of true freedom. Taking care of myself for myself and only interacting with people that love me "just the way I am".
My job gives me the opportunity to do for other and get paid. Even with that I don't take on anyone that doesn't at least respect my time and energy. This has made me much happier and the kind of customers that end up with me are happier too.
I will say that I didn't know I was trying to buy love in my relationships. I just thought I love these people and I want to take care of them. Even when they stopped being worthy of my love. That is hard to write but it is true everyone doesn't deserve my love and attention. I can be kind but I can draw the line when it is warranted.
This has turned into a long complicated post but it feels right to share this today. I want to let you know that we have all been selfish and self absorbed just trying to sort out the overwhelming sadness our eight year old self feels inside.
I have ask myself a million times "what is wrong with you?" I thought it was something to be fixed and it really has come down to immaturity. I have worked hard to looked at my beliefs about myself and ask myself where they came from and if they are really true now.
I also can look back and see all that I have contributed throughout my life and be proud of those things. Today I tried to encourage people that cross my path. I don't accept the pain of others as my own anymore. I can love them from afar if I need and be there as an adult without strings attached.
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