Finding Peace - Energy - Letting Go

I saw a video explaining one persons version of how energy works between people and how when you let go of someone suddenly you get a call.  This has happened to me so many times especially with the intense addictive relationships where as long as I was grasping they were running.  Sometimes even the day I felt like I truly let go I would get that long desired call.

Depending on my spiritual maturity at that time I would move on or start grasping again. The videos explanation was that we are like energetic magnets and when we are incomplete without someone or something our wanting actually repels the very person or thing we want.  

This spoke to me on some many levels of attraction. How if you just think of someone without the "I wish they would call me" and you stay neutral then suddenly they call. I can also relate that to customers if I really like someone and I can't wait to work with them they seem to disappear maybe my neediness is driving them away. This has happened so many times.

I have been making a lot of progress in my counseling sessions even though you would think at this age I have addressed it all.  I feel a freedom that I have have never felt before really ever. I attribute this to the use of EMDR and also my willingness to really to see my misguided (immature)  thinking and "let go" the theme of the blog.

I have spent my life wanting things to be different than they have been and then blaming myself for causing these things to happen. Then I stayed mad I myself for not just moving on and accepting that this is how it is. The brain I was given is constantly striving for improvement and working towards a goal.  This is great for getting things done but not for just accepting that somethings happen to us that is totally out of our control and not our fault. I want to be in charge.

I have ended up just isolating thinking I was the problem and didn't trust myself to not make another mistake. The immature side of me really believed I could out smart pain and loss. Sadly I am human and have to live the life of ever human before me and wasting what time I have left trying to solve the unsolvable it crazy. 

I will never measure up to the version I have of myself or the version of my future all I have is today and even that is not completely reliable. Life is random and we can never be prepared for what lays before us good or bad. What I have found for myself is to just think about the possibility of joy today. In my mind I also imagine feeling joy in the future what ever that looks like for me. 

Right now I am heading towards creativity and enjoying today without grasping or feeling like I am coming up short by not meeting my own expectations. I do have big fussy goals for a life that feels joyful. Despite what comes I will be able to feel joy even if it is just the small things. I will be okay no matter what I can find the place inside where I feel peace.

I will accept that even when things seem scary or out of control that all I can do to help things is to maintain a place of peace within. I will not add to the energy of fear or hate that will only give it more power.  

Controlling my ADD and OCD - Being enough - You bother me too

 I have had an up and down week - really up on Thursday afternoon when I worked on straightening out my new studio room.  Because I am ADD with a little OCD  mixed in I can spend a lot of time getting ready to do something. Organizing is my thing and getting everything just right is my game.  What happens when I do get it right my mind wants to constantly tweak it over and over. 

This makes me an excellent designer and I have an eye to get everything just right. Unfortunately when I am trying to accomplish a task the actually task never gets done. Always in a state of preparing for something not doing the thing.  After a lifetime of living with this I just make myself dive in and start working even if it is in a heap of mess on my desk. I just focus on the task and stay with it until I am finished. Blocking out my surroundings.

I did take the afternoon to organized and sort through all the stuff I have carried from other rooms to the studio.  I had a ladder in there with a bunch of tools where I replaced the ceiling fan last week with a 2 x 2 flush mount led light with 5000k bulbs.  The problem with getting older is there is not enough light ever. Now I am able to see perfectly with the daylight bulb.

I have been practicing portrait drawings from the 100 faces in 10 day challenge. The challenge is over and I am doing more like 10 faces a week. I have be drawing tiny little faces for some reason which is really different for me. I am using mechanical pens to get the details.

Now for the rest of the down part of the week starting with an angry man yelling at me because the price of what he wanted is higher than what he imagined. This is my world with pricing and the expectation of others. Usually it isn't the in my face kind of reaction - no mask either. 

The week went on and Wednesday without knowing it I was exposed to Covid by a coworker. He had it before but has never worn a mask. It is rare that we interact but he came into the office where I was talking to someone else.  It was Friday afternoon before I found out I had been exposed. I have been vaccinated and hope that between that and my excellent immune system I will be fine.  I exposed my customer on Friday they were not wearing mask. 

It is tricky out there because all this is so complicated for the brain. We just want a clear choice and we want to just dig in to one thing.  We were made to make simple choices every day to stay alive. That is how we operate not really weighing 20 options and then carefully deciding what is the right one. This is why we only listen to people that agree with us or even look like us because that is the way we are wired. 

I just heard a scientist say for someone to change a childhood core belief it takes 2 years. It isn't fun to be the person questioning their beliefs.  I have spent my whole life analyzing the beliefs I have in my head and figuring out where they came from and whether they serve me now as an adult. 

I know too much now to accept the status quo. I have done too much digging and now I can no longer live in a fairy tale. Being awake hasn't made me happier but it is too late to go back now. I am peaceful and happy most of the time. I accept people where they are unless they are in my face or in my space and then I will stand up for myself. 

No one really knows how they appear to other people especially me.  I have worried about this all my life because I am not everyone's cup of tea an acquired taste one so called friend said. Since I have found happiness in my own solitude I have stop really worrying about it. This has felt like real freedom to me.  I have always felt like I was a bother to people in some way. Now I say - so what! They bother me a lot of times too so I am over it. 

This is what birthdays do to you they tell you - your time is running out so you better get on with it so I am doing art and loving it.  I am pretending I am in school and practicing every day and watching videos about art.

I woke up today tired and a little cranky my new neighbors are having celebrations every Saturday night on their back porch. It was going on until after 1 am.  It is just talking but we live on a small ravine with water and it echos. No music just loud voices of discussion. I am sure they have no idea how loud they sound.  When I had meditation groups on my porch I would say "don't say anything here that you don't want the whole neighborhood to hear."  This is what happens with sound and water. 

I feel better after writing so I am off to do a few chores and some art. 

Spiritual Awakening - Being empty

Last weeks post that didn't get published...

I woke up late today and took my coffee out to the porch.   I heard a loud screeching noise from a flock of birds.  It is very wooded in the back and I noticed a large owl sitting on a branch with dozens of birds flapping around him.  He didn't look like he was that interested and was ignoring them. I wondered what it would be like to get that kind of reception where ever you went. 

We are different from the animals in that we have psychological feelings and the animals don't. I am guessing the doesn't sit around and thinking "why don't these birds like me?"  Maybe asking their mate "what can I do to be more liked?"  She might reply "stop eating there children for a start." 

I think we are the only ones plagued by self awareness and are worried about what other people think of us. We really mostly care about our inner circle but in general we expect everyone to like us. My mother taught me early on that not everyone would like me.  Mostly because we were persecuted Pentecostals.  It was expected that children of God would be outsiders in this world and not understood by the world.

I was comfortable with being on the outside for many reasons. I did help that I could lean on the religious angle to back me up.  It definitely didn't help the way I dressed and the fact that I couldn't participate in the dance session we had every Friday. 

It is funny now that I don't really fit in with the God's chosen group either. I never could buy the whole story that we had the answers and everyone out there was going to burn. I remember asking my daddy "what if we are wrong and those other churches are right?"

 It didn't make sense to me that we would be the lucky ones and all the other nice people were doomed. He was not happy with my many questions and it was the beginning of me having to choose between us and them.

I have lived my life on the fence which is a very insecure place. I haven't been able to believe without question anything really. I can always see the merits of both ideas if you are in the chosen group what better way to feel safe and secure.  It doesn't explain when bad things happen to good people. The story of Job it is all just a test. The holes in all the different  beliefs are the same.

I do believe we all have a spirit and some carry negative energy with them. Their brain has locked in on some event and they are stuck. Eckhart Tole said that he was so stress and agitated that is mind just couldn't take it anymore he had a spiritual awakening.  This is a story many people tell about there spiritual awakening. 

I have experience this myself I had a steady obsessive mind manically looking for the answer to my unhappiness and the negative self talk just kept searching for the answer and then there was nothing. One day I just woke up empty and calm and I have been that way ever since.

I read about this medically that when the brain reaches a point it can't function it basically snaps to protect it'self. I couldn't function any longer where I was and I needed a correction. It felt like nothing I had experienced before. Someone said to me pointing to some books I bought "the person that bought those books is gone aren't they?"  "Yes" was my answer I have no doubt that who I was before "the awakening" has been replaced.

First replaced by nothing and then slowly moved back to the person I was as a child. Without the imprints of sorrow and loss that being human lays upon you. It is an awkward place to be because you can see easily where others are because you have been there but you know you can't really help them. I want to shout "it isn't real" the pain you feel you are causing yourself with the words in your mind. 

I feel like the owl in the tree today just doing my own thing while birds are flying around me screeching. I don't even hear the screeching anymore. I care deeply that others suffer and offer words of encouragement but when your mind is in chaos - you can't hear me - I can't save you.

I do believe those that become addicted probably have a mind like mine.  One that can only be tamed with some kind of substance. It only works temporarily and then you want more. The answer I think is recognizing it is both physical and emotional and dealing with both sides of that is the only answer.  

Immaturity - Looking for a cure for deep sadness outside myself

For some reason this time of year is my favorite it seems like even if it is hot outside the light is changing. I feel more energized and feel like I need to do some housekeeping. Not literally even though I do like order I am not a clean freak.  When I was young waiting for my drinker to come home I spent that time cleaning and watching the clock. This broke me of my cleaning obsession.

My sister recently said that I should spend more time at the beach.  She lives in the mountains so the beach seems like the perfect solution to anything.  I have lived near the beach since I was 17 and I did go not for real pleasure but as a place to grieve. I associate the beach with all those years and I not that person anymore. I was grieving a lifetime of loss and now I just deal with loss and grief everyday as it comes up. 

I don't feel lost and alone anymore and I am not waiting for the people that say they love me to do the right thing. I thought their love would cure the deep sadness I had inside left by the loss of my mother.  I picked people who had the same idea that I could cure their deep loss too. They left me because they thought someone else would cure the sadness. I interpreted this as "I am not lovable".

This idea I thought was based on facts and I didn't realize that it was also based on immaturity. I have been without adult support since my mother got sick.  My dad took living in the present to a whole new level more like out of sight out of mind. I didn't mind and knew how to take care of myself.  The only problem was that my expectations of life and dealing with people stayed from that eight year old perspective. 

It didn't help that I am strong and appear confident even though inside I am sensitive and can see and feel every emotion in any person around me. If your sad then I am sad. I think this is something I was born with I can also see motives behind emotions. The subtle manipulation between people even if they don't realize it themselves.   

I stayed true to myself until I ended up in a bad situation when my dad remarried. I am smart and realized I had to become who she wanted me to be to survive. It worked to begin with but then as with all sick people the rules changed and I could not keep up. At 14 I became seriously depressed and slept when I was going to school or doing chores. 

This was the eight year old in me trying to survive.  I felt trapped in this sadness and my life was a prison. I did try to escape but I was too young and I was brought back and the situation got worse. This was the beginning of my feeling shut down and I have repeated this situation with all my adult relationships.

When your in a situation where there isn't any way out your mind just blows a casket. For my own analytical mind it just kept looking for a solution a way out. This was the first time I thought it would be easier not to be alive. I never acted on this because I really felt too paralyzed to do anything. 

I felt totally trapped with no way out of my own misery. I have felt that feeling my whole life like I am not where I should be and worse I am not like other people who can just mindlessly go through life not thinking about too much.  

When I have been in relationships I felt stuck and stagnant doing routine things that felt like a weight tied around my neck under water. I tried to speak up but everybody liked that I was taking care of them and I liked feeling needed. Nobody thanked me for my service and the eight year old was expecting something in return. 

I can do a lot and I enjoy doing it but I also get tired and any routine is the death of me. I have wanted love all my life and I have experienced it but it felt conditional. Life is conditional is what I wish my eight year old understood all those years. You should do what you want and either people love you or not.

You can't do this until you know your own worth. I needed to be needed to prove to myself that I was lovable. This wasn't love it was other people being happy to have me do everything for them who wouldn't? Don't get me wrong I have been loved and I was the one who gave them everything without demanding anything in return. I was earning their love. 

I have always felt like a servant in my relationships when I wasn't performing then support and love was withdrawn. As an eight year old I blamed myself for not being good enough and tried to make myself better never realizing that this does not work. 

I have been happy for awhile now an only recently have felt a since of true freedom. Taking care of myself for myself and only interacting with people that love me "just the way I am". 

My job gives me the opportunity to do for other and get paid.  Even with that I don't take on anyone that doesn't at least respect my time and energy. This has made me much happier and the kind of customers that end up with me are happier too. 

I will say that I didn't know I was trying to buy love in my relationships.  I just thought I love these people and I want to take care of them.  Even when they stopped being worthy of my love. That is hard to write but it is true everyone doesn't deserve my love and attention. I can be kind but I can draw the line when it is warranted. 

This has turned into a long complicated post but it feels right to share this today. I want to let you know that we have all been selfish and self absorbed just trying to sort out the overwhelming sadness our eight year old self feels inside. 

I have ask myself a million times "what is wrong with you?"  I thought it was something to be fixed and it really has come down to immaturity. I have worked hard to looked at my beliefs about myself and ask myself where they came from and if they are really true now.

I also can look back and see all that I have contributed throughout my life and be proud of those things. Today I tried to encourage people that cross my path. I don't accept the pain of others as my own anymore. I can love them from afar if I need and be there as an adult without strings attached.