I am working on my art and feeling great today. It is my birthday three day weekend and I have been waking up earlier and working on a portrait drawing method called "Atelier" I think that is the right spelling. It is a drawing method that is very mechanical and tedious and a real challenge. The point behind it is that your own eye doesn't really see what is there. It fixes things that it sees based on what it has seen before.
This made me think that this is the way we see life in general. Our version of the truth filling in the parts that we don't understand or really can't accept. We all do it explaining away what someone meant or why they hurt us. We just can't imagine they did those things on purpose. Our version is easier to swallow and keeps us in the game.
I watched a psychiatrist explain that when you get stuck for a long time it is usually because you don't want to make the other person out to be the bad guy. We take on the behavior of the other person as our fault. Instead of saying that the other person did not treat us right and we didn't deserve to be treated that way no matter where they were coming from.
This is me I have always blamed myself for not being good enough. This was disguised by my explaining away someone else's behavior instead of just letting them go first physically and then emotionally.
For me it is the thought that "I deserve better" in my own mind I was never too sure that was true. I had labeled myself as a problem early on because to my family I was a problem. I felt honored that people would be my find friend or my partner for that matter. I was so lucky to find people that would put up with me.
I worked hard to keep those relationships by being of service. I would anticipate the needs of others hoping to keep those relationships alive. I wanted to be loved and I learned early if you do stuff for other people it makes them happy and they definitely like you better.
This of course is giving with strings attached and it is often very one sided. It is at the core of all of my suffering and it leads to the draining of my soul and my energy. Nice people are good to have around when you need them.
I am not saying you shouldn't give and I have given a lot but when you are doing it because it is expected or because it makes a you see yourself as a nice it can ultimately drain you of all your energy.
I have given to those I have loved and it never occurred to me that it wasn't without strings. I saw my mother give until she was invisible and then she got sick. She was taught that this is what God wanted her to do. In all the pictures of her she wasn't smiling and if she was it did not seems genuine. She had to get sick to be taken care of.
I know now that my mind as well as my eyes tell me what I want to see and hear. It is nature's way to deceive us when reality doesn't quite measure up. I have painted a rosy picture many times when I just couldn't handle reality. I am happy to have found a new passion with my art something I have wished for all my life but never thought I was as good as a real artist should be.
I had a good birthday and heard from a lot of people that love me just the way I am. It is nice to feel free and happy without the inner critic running my life. Happy birthday to me.
No comments:
Post a Comment