The story I tell myself - I am not dead yet - Being in a rut

I feel great this time of year with the sunny days and the hope of new beginnings. I heard a speaker this morning that took me back to my own core beliefs about life and how to succeed where other people fail.  It is about "the story I tell myself". 

I have written about this many times but I sometimes forget about the power of this idea and fall back into to the limitations of my own beliefs or the the words that other people have used to put me where they wanted or thought I should be. 

I know as children we are sponges and think the words of grown ups are true. They are the Gods in our lives and they have all the power. Everything they say we think is absolutely true and if even as adults we can see the lies but their words still linger just below the surface. 

If you have a family like mine life is about survival and that is the best you can hope for is to keep your head down and just survive. This was my family culture even more so after my mother got sick. I can't remember there ever being joy in my home. If you weren't accomplishing something or doing God's work saving people you were idol and that wasn't acceptable. 

I was a watcher from an early age my dad said that even before I could speak I was constantly looking around like I was studying the room. My mother did schedule family time like game night but she never seemed to laugh or enjoy those moments. The summers were my best memories being set loose to spend the day outside until all the other kids went in to dinner forcing me to go home.

My mother taught us to be independent and I was happy that no one cared about where I was or what I was doing. She was sick and trusted me to not do anything dangerous. She knew I was a leader and not a follower and Jesus kept me from being too bad. My life wasn't like other kids lives I made my own way and by time she passed I was 11 and I knew I was on my own.

This is where the story of me started. I am alone and it is better if you don't ask for anything and just do what you need to do to take care of yourself. I am a highly analytical person and weighed the facts of my circumstance and determined I could to take care of myself. 

This has proved to be true with only a few breaking through and only because they were persistent and wore me down. I laughingly call them stalkers mainly because once I did let them in they were looking for another challenge. I learned that once you let someone in they really don't care about you. Sad I know.

The intensity of those relationships felt great to feel like a star in the bright lights even if it was only for a short time. I didn't attract normal healthy people because I wouldn't notice them because I was isolated and independent focusing on surviving. Who could survive that except an obsessed stalker with no boundaries.

What is my point? The story of my past doesn't have to be my story going forward. I am not dead yet am I? My story is comfortable to me it is what I know and it is what I have lived in my head over and over and it feels like the truth of who I am. 

I am taking steps to create a new story for myself looking for healthier more positive relationships. I am a survivor but I want to live each day not in survival mode but with anticipation and joy. If I have a bad day I can begin again at any moment and choose again as many times as it takes.

I have had periods of standing still and those times were necessary for my journey.  I have found those times gave me the ability to see how my thinking was wrong. I am scared to make changes but I want to rewrite my story and be brave no matter what life brings my way.  I am only limited by the story I tell myself everyday. 

I See You! - Being invisible

It has been a time of movement for me in ways that it is hard to wrap my mind around. I think it stems from just being ready.  I hate that you can't move on until the time is right no matter how bad you want to at least that is my experience.

I am seeing a new counselor even though when I made the appointment I really couldn't imagine what value this could add to my life. I definitely believe in therapy but I wanted to move away from my past and not have to rehash it again. When my ex walked through door an hour later I knew this was divine intervention. 

What I didn't expect was that she agreed with my decision to move away from most of the people in my life. Pointing out that these people did not support you the way you have supported them and it was an act of self love to move away from them. She pointed out that I haven't picked well and have attracted the same type of person over and over and that I deserved and needed more. 

I knew this but I have felt guilty but not enough to go back to those relationships.  Choosing to stay alone for the most part since no company is better than the drain and loneliness of being invisible. It isn't anyone's fault in the program it is said "trying to get bread from a hardware store". 

Starting with my own family ignoring me for as long as I remember and me thinking that was normal. I learned to take care of my own needs and to be autonomous. I learned early that attracting attention could backfire and you could never expect positive feedback. Keep your head down and just keep moving.

My stepmother reinforced this because when I was seen I was a target.  I learn to be even more invisible to avoid causing my daddy more more sadness since he had been through enough. 

I have been content to be invisible and no one minded as long as I was taking care of their needs and asking for nothing in return. I was happy to play that role until I felt dead inside even if I what I really wanted was to be seen. I wanted someone to say "thank you". 

There are perks for being invisible you don't have to take the shots that super stars have have to take. In my mind I really thought it was better to give than to receive. I preferred to be in pain than to have someone else suffer. 

I didn't know that until now I didn't dare to think I deserved to be thanked to have someone in my life say "hey I see what you are doing over there". Those aren't the people I picked but I did pick those that were like my family distant and not nurturing.

I have to say right now that I have fallen for those who have seen me no matter what their motives were.  A hand full of people that noticed what I brought to the table and were happy to at least a first acknowledge my existence. Being noticed felt like love to me,

I never believed I was valuable and tied my self worth to whether people loved me or not.  I knew that the more I did for others it seemed that they loved me more.  I knew that it wouldn't last because I knew I was not enough and they would see that. 

I believed that this was my fault that people couldn't love me. It never occurred to me that I have surrounded myself with the same person in different forms. It felt familiar some form of my parents love based on my level of contribution. 

This week I told someone that I was proud of myself for not letting my ex encounter rock my world. She said "well the fact you are telling me about it means that isn't true" I think this sums up the people in my life pretty well. They are not happy so they do not want anyone else to be happy either. Another trip to the hardware store for bread. 

She is another person who has never been seen and still does a lot for people who have no idea the effort it takes to support so many people without being noticed. She would never acknowledge that she would like to be seen. She rejects kind gestures because they aren't from the most important ones in her life. 

I spent the afternoon with my ex-mother-in-law this week.  She saw me because she is another invisible person working behind the scenes. We had a great visit and we couldn't stop talking. I felt so happy the next day my counselor said I seemed like a different person.  I knew it was because of that encounter with another person like me.

I spontaneously took the week off because I felt I need a rest. It isn't easy in my business but sometime you just got to do it.  With my work I am seen a lot but I get paid for it so I am not looking to be seen. 

I am going make an effort to start seeing the unseen.  I see them all because I am one them.