Living Solo - The ups and downs of finding myself

I think I mentioned this before but I am rereading a book called Canyon Solitude by Patricia C. McCairen.  I believe she was the first woman to solo down the Colorado river in 1994. This book is a coming of age story or really one persons journey of ridding herself of layers of the person she was told to be and the person she actually is inside.

By the time her solo trip takes place she has made that transformation with all the usual doubts popping up when you spend so much time alone. She has gone from a corporate NY job to living sometimes in the wilderness in a tee pee during winter with temperatures below zero. Not my idea of finding oneself but it is a good read.

It doesn't really deal with much of that just the daily the rituals of the trip with a few antidotes of how she arrived at securing permission to solo down the Colorado River.  The way it is written speaks to me and makes me realize that my quest to be my truest self is one of ups and downs and doubts and fears. I know I am not alone in this world on my quest. 

Counseling has really helped get to the heart of some of my false beliefs.  The part of my story that has laid the foundation of not believing I am lovable. She said I thought I was a victim in my relationships but I don't think that is true.  Yes in the beginning when I decide to leave home at 16 to protect my own sanity I did think - "why me?" I mostly have thought that it was because of who I was that made people reject me. 

By the time I left home my life had continuously about about survival. I learned that people really only care about themselves even though they are adults and you are their responsibility.  I know that everyone is just trying to survive and it is a rare person that can see past their own pain to help guide someone else.  It was such freedom to just accept I was my own responsibility and didn't have to maneuver around the wants and needs of my sick family.  

I became the same as them and built a wall between myself and the people I loved. Don't get me wrong I was there to bail them out or talk them off a ledge but I never wanted to burden anyone already hurting with my wants and needs. I did let one person break through emotionally and that ended in manipulation and fear and left me a shell of a person. 

I have over the years layer by layer removed the lies of my internal story.  The layers of painful things that happened to me that I took so personally thinking that these incidents proved that I was flawed in a permanent way. There was something about me that warranted being cast aside by the people that said they loved me.   

The real flaw was not showing that I was human and needed support too.  I surrounded myself with people who were happy to just take the support without having to give support in return. It felt like the perfect match until I had a crisis or I became weary and resentful in my role as giver. When this happens I withdraw and they find a replacement for me. 

I am not that person anymore and have lived neither giving or taking for a long time. Just like the woman on the boat I have become accustom to traveling solo and know I can do that. I have reached a point where I am looking for others like me who have become comfortable with who they are an just want companionship. I don't want to rescue anyone and I don't want to be rescued. I want to find adventure and peace together if possible.

The story I tell myself - I am not dead yet - Being in a rut

I feel great this time of year with the sunny days and the hope of new beginnings. I heard a speaker this morning that took me back to my own core beliefs about life and how to succeed where other people fail.  It is about "the story I tell myself". 

I have written about this many times but I sometimes forget about the power of this idea and fall back into to the limitations of my own beliefs or the the words that other people have used to put me where they wanted or thought I should be. 

I know as children we are sponges and think the words of grown ups are true. They are the Gods in our lives and they have all the power. Everything they say we think is absolutely true and if even as adults we can see the lies but their words still linger just below the surface. 

If you have a family like mine life is about survival and that is the best you can hope for is to keep your head down and just survive. This was my family culture even more so after my mother got sick. I can't remember there ever being joy in my home. If you weren't accomplishing something or doing God's work saving people you were idol and that wasn't acceptable. 

I was a watcher from an early age my dad said that even before I could speak I was constantly looking around like I was studying the room. My mother did schedule family time like game night but she never seemed to laugh or enjoy those moments. The summers were my best memories being set loose to spend the day outside until all the other kids went in to dinner forcing me to go home.

My mother taught us to be independent and I was happy that no one cared about where I was or what I was doing. She was sick and trusted me to not do anything dangerous. She knew I was a leader and not a follower and Jesus kept me from being too bad. My life wasn't like other kids lives I made my own way and by time she passed I was 11 and I knew I was on my own.

This is where the story of me started. I am alone and it is better if you don't ask for anything and just do what you need to do to take care of yourself. I am a highly analytical person and weighed the facts of my circumstance and determined I could to take care of myself. 

This has proved to be true with only a few breaking through and only because they were persistent and wore me down. I laughingly call them stalkers mainly because once I did let them in they were looking for another challenge. I learned that once you let someone in they really don't care about you. Sad I know.

The intensity of those relationships felt great to feel like a star in the bright lights even if it was only for a short time. I didn't attract normal healthy people because I wouldn't notice them because I was isolated and independent focusing on surviving. Who could survive that except an obsessed stalker with no boundaries.

What is my point? The story of my past doesn't have to be my story going forward. I am not dead yet am I? My story is comfortable to me it is what I know and it is what I have lived in my head over and over and it feels like the truth of who I am. 

I am taking steps to create a new story for myself looking for healthier more positive relationships. I am a survivor but I want to live each day not in survival mode but with anticipation and joy. If I have a bad day I can begin again at any moment and choose again as many times as it takes.

I have had periods of standing still and those times were necessary for my journey.  I have found those times gave me the ability to see how my thinking was wrong. I am scared to make changes but I want to rewrite my story and be brave no matter what life brings my way.  I am only limited by the story I tell myself everyday. 

The story I am telling myself - starting over - freedom - a new life

I had a good week very stressful but not unbearable. I practiced my ten minute meditation every day this week although yesterday I had an early appointment so I practiced while my computer booted up. The clients canceled for the second time but I was okay with that. It gave me a chance to finish a big project which I have been putting off.

Recently I feel I have been in the flow more often than normal. What this means to me is that I just let things flow without trying to force solutions or make the universe move to my rhythm. When the appointment canceled I just moved on and looked at the positives. First I am not a morning person and it was the end of a long week so now I could relax and focus.

I know I can certainly get caught up in the business of life. Before peace was priority in my life the busier I was the more important that made me. I was like a machine fitting something in every minute and living off the high of just having so much to do.  This is how it is in the west we just want to fill every minute with something. With the few spare moments looking at our phones. 

Our mind can be our enemy always wanting more and more entertainment. The ego is always present no matter how hard we work at being whole and peaceful. I remember creating daily list of deadlines for myself and actually creating stress around those items. I did this to myself creating a crisis where there wasn't one. I liked the adrenaline rush it gave and I got use to it.

It took falling and crashing to the ground to see I had created this in my own life. I thought that this was who I was this busy hard working person that had a million things to do.  Everyone was counting on me to take care of them. I was so wrapped up in the idea of me that I couldn't stand still for a minute.

I was really running from the truth I believed about myself - that I was nothing without all this running. If I stopped whatever had been chasing me all those years would catch up to me and it would be over. I never dared to stop and turnaround and look at it. 

This was depression for me a deep belief that there was something about me that wasn't right and wasn't lovable. I was running hard to stay ahead of the this belief. I ran until I couldn't run any longer and collapsed  out of exhaustion. What happened next was unbelievable absolutely nothing. My ego disappeared and I was left with silence and it was terrifying.  The person I was before was gone.

I was in a state of nothing for what seemed like forever. I just stayed there because I couldn't move. None of the old ways of kicking myself back into gear worked. I went through the motions of life and did what had to be done each day. Thankfully I haven't returned to the person I was before.

I realized I had created the that person over the years. All the ideas I had taken on given to me by my family and other outside influences. Then who I believed I was and how I re-enforced those beliefs with my thoughts and actions even when they no longer served me. 

If I created that person I could create someone new. Since that person was gone I could start over if I was willing. If I was willing to let go of the story of myself. I had a choice - I could keep repeating the story mostly to myself or I could let go and just show up everyday and see what happened. The physical brain is geared to lay down well worn paths so it isn't easy to just choose something else. 

At this point I was a blank canvas and had detached from the painful person I had become. A warning here everyone around you will want you to come back just as you were because it makes them feel safe to keep things the same. You no longer fit into their story the way I use to and it makes everyone uncomfortable. 

This post has some pretty radical ideas and not for everyone. I didn't ask for this to happen to me but I wanted to be happy even if it meant starting over alone. I am so grateful and happy for the first time in my life. My story made me miserable and I thought I had to just accept this fact and do the best I could. It is just that a story in my own head told over and over until I believe it is who I am even if it makes me unhappy. Nothing is permanent and at any moment we can choose again. 

 you want to change you have to monitor your thoughts and see where you go when something unpleasant happens. Where do you run to? How do you justify your next behavior? If you feel guilty do you say "I am like this because ____"  enter whatever you usually say about why you do it.