Planting for the future - Patience - Uncertainty - Anxiety

I am pretty much back to work and grateful to have business in this uncertain time.  It is funny that I was beginning to enjoy not feeling that underlying anxiety of "you must do more".  Being in sales and living a life where your income is based solely on whether your clients do the job or not is a daily reality. Ironically customers are unlikely to go with you if they sense this underlying anxiety. You have to sincerely let go of the outcome if you can't do this they can feel it.

The way I do this is that I have to trust that I will be provided for and that if I don't get this particular job then there will be another one.  I ask myself "will the outcome change what I will be having for dinner tonight?" This is the only way I can live with the uncertainty of the work I do and really the uncertainty of life in general.

The analogy I use is that I am a gardener and I am constantly planting and harvesting.  I keep jobs in every stage so I will have something closing all the time. I am actually made for this type of work because it means I have a variety of things to work on and people to work with. It satisfies my mind that never stops wanting to be entertained and challenged.

I have learned to trust myself that if I am not whipping myself to get something done now that it is okay.  I must intuitively know that I have time and will meet the deadline.  I have to be patient with myself and know that I need breaks from the chaos so I can be more focused when I am working.

I also know that timing is everything and if someone isn't ready you just have to wait until they are.  Sometimes people have things going on in their lives that change their priorities for the moment.  Luckily right now everyone is stuck at home looking around and watching HG TV and thinking about projects they want to get done.

I am not always so zen about my circumstances and sometimes I hear "you should be working today" even if it is my official day off.  I always feel that I could be doing more no matter how much I work  that is the nature of any business where you are getting paid based on what you are bringing in and not a job for everyone.

Managing uncertainty isn't really possible but having that little talk with yourself when anxiety is bubbling up is something we all must do.  For me I say to myself  "is there anything that can be done about that today?" If it is state of the world or the economy or lets not forget the pandemic the answer is no. I can then focus on the small stuff that is a part of my day and this moves me forward.

If I am beating myself up about not being motivated I ask myself  "is this an emergency - this thing you don't really want to do today?"  The answer is mostly no and the deadline is an arbitrary one I have put on the project and therefore I can change it.

I love my job and I am good at it even if my garden right now is not producing anything.  I have been planting for a long time and can see a few sprouts coming up here and there so I have to trust the process and be patient. 









 

Are my feelings temporary?

My horoscope today said I am standing at a fork in the road concerning my career. I should make decisions based on the facts and not some future dream I might have for myself.

We are taking steps to transfer the business into our new company name. Some part of me is telling me I don't want to do this anymore and the other is telling me that the feelings I am having are temporary.

I heard a sermon not too long ago about accepting that a season has passed. Letting things go when it is time. Why do I feel like I am done here? Is that just me not wanting to do what has to be done or am I really done. The thought has crossed my mind that I might be trying to sabotage myself by not taking care what needs to be done.

I do this when I need to make a change that I am not ready to face. It seems a woke up a few weeks ago and decided I didn't want to do this anymore. I think I am losing it or am I?

I was reading some of my spiritual books last night and the theme of everything I was reading was patience. I am not patient when it comes to myself and the progress I am making or not making. I wish God would send me a little note saying hey you are doing the right thing, keep it up or you are wasting your time you need to move on.

Instead I am here just bobbing up and down in the water in my little boat with just one paddle. I am sure I will get the answers when it is time. Hey God anytime now.

I am where I am because this is where I am suppose to be. Once someone told me when you don't know what to do just do the next right thing and keep it simple. That is what I am going to do now.

P.S. I did go the movies yesterday.

Serenity - Down the toilet

If you want to test your serenity just take on a household repair project.

I decided to take on the repairing the tiles beneath my toilet in my master bath. It is a brand new remodeled bath and I had a leak two years ago after my contractor rigged the connection between the new bathroom plumbing and the original plumbing.

I called a slab leak specialist and they just jack hammered the floor around the toilet without moving it. They fixed the leak filled in the hole and left. I have been looking at it for almost two years.

My ability to fix things was passed down to me by my father. Really what he passed down was patience and not necessarily skill. I have found that repairs are 90% patience, 5% skill and 5% the right tools. So I am at 95% you will have to figure out what 5% is missing.

I said a prayer before I started, I find this sets the tone for any home improvement project. The first test came pretty quickly I couldn't get one on the nuts off the bolt that holds the toilet to the floor. Thoughts of profanity washed over me (maybe thoughts out loud), not a great start. The nut had a burr that was keeping it from coming off. While trying to get it off I cut my finger and started bleeding all over the place.

Once the bleeding stopped I pulled myself together and thought "what would a contractor do?" in my experiece that means brut force which I do not have. I decided to try a socket wrench, it gave me the extra grip I needed. I then rolled the one piece toliet out of the way. This is where the fun really starts, removing the broken tiles. With goggles and a heavy hammer I start wacking the tile and the pieces were flying everywhere. It was exhausting but I was ready to cut the new tiles.

I set up a tiny wet saw I purchased a number of years ago in hopes it would keep me from going somewhere that might have a real wet saw. But the tiles are huge and too much for the little saw and I burned up the motor, after the first cut. Off to Lowes I go.

I am already running out of steam and after loading up the four heavy tiles I was ready to lay down. I called ahead (as only an Alanoner would do) to make sure someone was there to cut them. The guy said he wasn't suppose to cut tiles not purchased there but he didn't mind helping. I seemed that this might actually be the highlight of his day. I thought so until the manager came by and pointed out to him that my tiles weren't Lowes tiles. Niether of us said a thing.

I headed home with my free cut tiles and a new wax ring for the toilet. Feeling pretty happy about the free part I stopped and got a Cheeseburger Happy Meal and some cookies for later. I deserved it for making it this far without a total meltdown. It is not over until it is over.

I dry fitted the tiles. Everything looked good so I mixed up the thin set and troweled it out, I can see the finish line. I am leveling them out when I notice one is way higher than the others. I tried everything before doing what I knew had to be done.

I pulled the tile up and chiseled more of the leveler (not so level) left by the leak guy. Of course I had wet thin set all over me by this time. But it worked the tile was pretty level with the others. I just sat there exhausted feeling sorry that I had no one to share this awful moment with. Oh well maybe next time.

I cleaned up the mess and intended on grouting and putting the toilet back yesterday but when I got up, I couldn't face it. I had to get out of the house. So everything is just sitting there waiting for me to get up enough courage to complete the job. I know the toilet won't be completely level and that will further test my serenity so I decided to wait.

Lately I have been taking care of my house. Cleaning and doing repairs. It is a part of accepting my life as it is. Not thinking about the past. Yesterday was my ex's birthday, so maybe I was thinking a little bit about the past.

Just for today I am far enough along that I can trust the process and know I will be happy again sooner or later. I am hoping sooner. I use to fill time with the next task but I have changed. I do get things done eventually and even if it takes two years, like the tiles, I will get it done. Who cares anyway? Just me, when the untreated Alanon in my head decides to speak up, this happens when I am too tire to fight back.

I didn't finish the job. I lost my motivation yesterday I was physically tired and needed to rest. The voice of loneliness crept into my head for a few hours. I thought about what I have lost and wondered if I will be alone for the rest of my life. The birthday tigger I think.

I decided I needed a diversion. I drove to the movies and saw the only adult film that started a 4:00. Watering the Elephants. I read the book and thought the book was a little slow. The movie was good and set in a time of the depression. It helped me to put my life into perspective. It ended at 6:55 and I headed to a meeting.

I ended the day watching the tube and munching on a bag of animal crackers shaped like circus animals. I know my life will change because nothing stays the same good or bad.

Flash From The Past

I have recently re-connected with my first boss. I found her husbands email address while looking looking at our cities website. We have set up lunch twice and we both had to reschedule. When she canceled the first time she sent me an email and I didn't respond quickly enough and she called my cell and said "you did not answer my email". The tone really sent me back and I felt like I still worked for her.

She was not easy to work for, she is one of us, and grew up in an environment that made her have serious trust issues and she was possibly the most controlling person I ever met. When I first got in the program, I used what I learned, to face her every day. I learned that her anger and mistrust had nothing to do with me and that I should not take it personally. Sometimes that was very difficult. Working for her also taught me that you can easily lose sight of how others perceive you and when your caught up in your own sickness to use caution when dealing with others.

My first year on the job, she picked me out of a department of 30 to start and new department. I was promoted by her twice that same year and later when she left I became the manager over that same department. It had grown to 70 employees over a ten year period. So she was pivotal to my career and I give her credit for seeing the possibilities in me.

I also give myself credit for the hard work and long hours I put in to become a good manager. It was really Al-Anon that gave me the tools to work with her and to also be a firm but compassionate manager. Before the program I managed more with an iron fist than with understanding.

I left the industry and I am doing what I love. I still manage, but now it is projects and customers. She has retired and we are scheduled for dinner tomorrow night. I will keep you posted.

Eating Cookie Dough-Progress Not Perfection

A few weeks ago I reached a new low when scouring for relief from hunger and my current bout with depression I went into the freezer and found some chocolate chip cookie dough and ate it for dinner. I can laugh about it now but looking back it is pretty pathetic. That being said last night I actually made a fresh batch of cookie dough and had that for dessert and maybe a little for breakfast this morning followed by some more healthy choices.

So I feel this is progress in a way I thought I was worth the time and effort to make some from scratch dough. I did think about cooking it but it seemed like it could ruin perfectly good dough. As you can imagine I feel a little squeeze at this point but worth it for sure.

I am isolating today and have done a few chores. I don't really want to use my voice today talk through where I am or think about the past or the future. It is strange the need to let sleeping dogs lie. This too shall pass isn't that what they say in all the programs. It is hard when you feel like your life has been put in a state of suspension. Nobody can really help you, you just got to wait it out and one day you will wake up and feel differently.

I am better and it is just one day and I can live with that, just 24 hours.

The Perfect Day

I was off yesterday not because of the holiday but because Monday is my day off. A friend suggested that we go out to my favorite spot on the planet. It never ceases to amaze me how no matter where I am emotionally I always feel better when I am there. The day started out warm and beautiful and then in the late afternoon began to cloud over and sprinkles on us. It didn’t matter we had finished walking and were headed back to the car.

We found four perfectly formed sand dollars among all the battered and broken shells. I have been collecting over the past couple of years during this part of my journey. They represent a promise of peace for me. I have spent many hours in this place and was glad to be there without so much pain in my heart. Everything passes eventually even when you don’t believe that it ever will.

We finished the day at a restaurant that we found with fish tacos and fresh guacamole and I couldn’t think of any place else I would rather be

Fishing

A wise person said to me yesterday that I am fishing in the same pond and not catching a thing and eventually I will stop fishing there. Waiting for someone to change is what I have done all my life. I think if I am patient that ultimately I will get what I want. Patience is a virtue, right? How much time have I got? I have got to realize that without a crystal ball I don’t know if someone will ever change or for that matter wants to or should.

So just for today I am in search of a new fishing hole. I can still go back to the old and familiar one if I want to but just for today I can expand my horizon and look for other possibilities.