Food - Life and Extremes

I have been doing nothing but working twelve days straight now. I have plugged back into the matrix and feeling a little guilty but also grateful that I am still able to manage this kind of work load.

What to do next I am not sure I don't want work to be my whole life. Today my only free day I am relaxing and doing things around the house. I have decided to take better care of myself with these the long hours by planning my meals ahead and taking breakfast lunch and dinner with snacks to the office.

This is a new development for me because I have had an off and on love affair with food all my life. and lately it has been off.

The love of food started as a kid I was raised by health nuts we ate organics and my parents juiced their food way back in the 70's.  I do have to say that the recent wave organics is amusing to me like this is a new idea. It is a good one if you can afford it.

I never really left those organic roots and have prepared all my food from scratch since I left home. It only seemed natural that I would married a chef the first time and played the sou chef to him. We cooked for crowds and at one point did some catering. His food made me fat which he regularly pointed out to me.

When he left I stopped eating and mostly watched chefs cook on tv. When I got my life back together and had new love in my life I started cooking again. I really loved cooking and worked on perfecting every possible technique but eventually I got tired of cooking all the time but I didn't know how to break out of the routine I didn't want to disappoint everyone.

When the relationship ended I divorced food again. For the past six years I have survived on protein bars and eating out. I even cooked for my dog but not for myself.

So here I am embracing food again and cooking for myself. I guess I am an all or nothing kind of person. I can admit I do like extremes or at least I like them until they exhaust me and then I have to find some center point.

Today I made a lamb stew with sweet potatoes and dried apricots. It will make for a few good lunches next week. So I guess I am back in love with food.

Admitting there is a problem - Finding balance

I haven't had much spare time lately with work taking over my life which makes me happy but then wears me out. I have been pushing myself a little too hard which has resulted in me being a little under the weather.

I decided mid week that I have to take my life back from my new job. I think it is time to sets some limits even if the result is a financial penalty.  The problem with being on full commission besides the obvious is you are afraid to let anything or anyone go. Your mind tells you "what if you run out of of customers?"

This hasn't ever happened even during the recession there was a trickle but the mind loves to live in fear.  I think for me the worse part is that I really want to help ever customer I speak with but the reality is I can't. There isn't enough time and I am over committed and unfortunately the small jobs can sometimes  fall through the cracks. Then I feel really bad.

I am not alone in this my fellow sales people are dealing with the same thing. Some are better at juggling than others and some just work millions of hours. My juggling skills are rusty and I not sure I even want to juggle again and I am already living at work so what do I do?

My body is already alerting me that something is wrong. My weight rising which is resulting in the return of a few health issues from my distant past.

I will take care of myself right after I close the three deals I have on the table. How many times have I said this in my past? The difference is now I can see what I am doing and I can make a choice before too much time goes by. I can choose to be present and take care of myself.

Can I practice what I preach and let go? Can I choose a life of balance not knowing what the result will be and trust that I will be taken care even if I don't know how?

I am starting here first and admitting there is a problem and then I am letting go and we will see what happens.

Heading in the right direction

Tonights Model in Pastels

I had an easy day today I didn't have to be at work too early and left on time for my drawing class.  I was pretty tired today after my weekend Sunday and Monday.

After a weekend of laying flooring I felt pretty sore I am out of shape. With the new job I have been too busy and stressed to think about eating right or exercising.This crazy time reminds me of when I was working and going to school to get my design degree.

I have put on a few pounds but have decided to give myself a little time adjust to the changes I am going through before forcing myself into some unnatural regimen. The weight is the result of my life being unbalanced and treating the symptom won't help. In time I will find the balance.

Work is already getting easier for me. A friend said to me recently that if you let go your mind will come up with a natural rhythm for getting things done efficiently. I know that is true but I am impatient with my own progress.

On my best days, like today, I believe that most of the time life is flowing in the right direction am when I have the courage to take my paddle out of the water I can trust that I will arrive at my desired destination just in time. The ride won't always be smooth and sometimes it might be lonely but I can always trust that I am always headed in the right direction.

Getting my life back into balance - A little time off

What a ride this has been for me.  I think the last post I thought I was closing my business and getting on with my life.  I am getting on with my life but the deal with my partner fell through and now we are in limbo.

I have been too busy working an average of ten hours a day to worry about it.  Working in a new place was frightening to begin with, being new, it seemed like sometimes I would never catch on.

My mind told me I was too old to start over working for someone else.  I thought a few times "oh my god I have made a real mistake".

I have to admit it was touch and go there for a while but now I am getting into my own rhythm. People are the same everywhere and customers are the same everywhere.  My desk is piled high with files and I am loving it.

It is a good company, even though there is a lot of drama, I am trying to lay low and work my own program.

I had only one day off a week since I started ( my choice).  This weekend I switched with someone and ended up with three days in a row off.  I feel a little guilty but I am starting to feel burnout just beneath the surface. I been running on adrenalin for three months and it time to bring my life back into balance.

My roommate is working out great.  She is going to a lot of meetings and she seems happier these days.  Her life has been turned upside down and it is a major adjustment.  I know all about that. I am hoping my experience strength and hope will make her journey a little easier. Life just happens sometimes.

I have been keeping up with my art and have discovered pastels. This is my meditation in life and it is a priority for me now.  Even with all the hours at work I am drawing 3-4 times a week.

It is good to get back here and do a little writing.  I have finally set my computer up at home so hopefully I will have a chance to write more often.

Finding nothing - uncomfortably still

I have been off the last two days and feeling pretty restless. I did have a tile emergency to resolve yesterday when one of my customers thought we had installed the wrong tile. I went by the office and picked up the sample and all is well.

I spent a few hours reading the Steve Jobs biography yesterday. I had reserved it from the library and had forgotten about it. I was number 247 so I thought maybe next year I would get the notification.

It mostly covers his career and towards the end the dynamics of his family. He authorized the book and didn't ask to review it before it was published. I didn't really show him as a thoughtful kind person. It showed him as a brilliant driven perfectionist with only one goal in mind the ultimate product being constantly improved.

I don't think that you can have it all. When you have great success in one area in your life then something gets left behind. If everything gets equal attention then you end up with everything falling in the middle. So how do you choose between your passion and the rest of your life. Is if fair to those in your life to get short changed.

I have been that person many times. I can become obsessed and so totally focused on one thing that the rest of my life gets ignored. Looking back I can see that I have live my life mostly out of balance. With my husband I was obsessed with him and my career suffered. Later I was obsessed with my career and my relationship suffered.

I have also been on the receiving end of that scenario too. Being ignored for alcohol, work, sports whatever the latest shiny thing was. I realize now I was living with myself all that time. You spot it you got it as they say.

I am more balanced now but miss the intensity of the one thing the current obsession. I no longer have extremes in my life and it makes me feel strange. Like I should be on the hunt for something new. Instead I am living in the moment and trying to accept that it is enough for today.

I have lost the drive to sacrifice everything for one thing anymore. Even my quest for spirituality became an obsession. I didn't want to see that the answer was to just stop looking for answers. To be still and be comfortable with being uncomfortably still.

picture 2012scenario.com

Know yourself - Trying to find balance

I am tired today and still have a lot of work left to do before I go home. This week sped by and some parts were not too productive. I have to acknowledge that part of it is my own problem solving style that holds me back.

When I am tackling a project that has too many parts and pieces and no way to streamline the process my brain gets fried and I get stuck in one place too long. I usually try to tuck something else in the middle of the task for relief or wait until I am feeling more capable. This week none of that worked.

I kept moving forward and after spending a day sorting out plumbing for a customers bathroom I found out what we thought would work wouldn't. I had to start the whole selection process over again. If I could I would delegate this to someone else.

I really felt stressed because I knew the customer was waiting for me and it is taking me too long. I am pretty patient with other peoples personalty quirks but with my own I never meet my own standards.

This whole stuck in the quagmire happens a lot when I am over loaded. I feel bad because I can't meet every one's expectations. It isn't good to disappoint when you work on commission.

I finished the above project this morning and sent it off in email. It took me too long and I might have lost the job but I did my best even if it wasn't good enough.

Knowing myself and accepting that everything does work out helps sooth me when I feel that I am not working too efficiently.

I worked six days this week which is part of the problem. I am planning on being off Sunday and Monday even if I will be further behind. I am trying to find some balance.

Not so cheery today. Hope everyone is enjoying the early spring it is finally raining here and that does make me happy.

H.A.L.T. - Finding balance

I have been so thrilled to have my energy back that I have been over doing it. I have so much I want to get done that I can hardly sleep at night. Three years of depression and forcing myself to do even the smallest things I just want to make up for lost time.

As a result of over doing it I had a little bout with the crazies this morning. I didn't sleep much last night and got up early then I fed my neighbors dogs, got dressed and went to work. I hit the door running.

First I started cleaning the mess I made yesterday. I had a bunch of cabinets torn out and everything that was in them was sitting in the middle of the office floor. I am not good with too much visual stimulation. I had to get things in order but where to start when everything is upside down. It is like moving trying to decide what stays and what goes.

I was feeling a little manic an decided to call a friend. I couldn't find my purse. I panicked, had I left it on top of the car? Did I leave it at home? Did I leave it on the front counter and someone came in and took it?

I closed the store and got in my car and drove home. To my surprise it wasn't there. On the way back I started thinking of all that I would have to do to replace the loss. The time the money on and on. Then I told myself to get at grip it wasn't the end of the world. Then it occurred to me that I should have called my phone while I was at the office.

When I got back to the office I did just that and lo and behold there it was sitting in a chair facing the opposite direction. Relief flooded my mind. Why was I acting so crazy?

In the program there is an acronym H.A.L.T hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Covering most of the reasons for crazy behavior. I think I am 4 out of 4 today. The angry flared up when a mosquito was following me around the office biting me. I haven't seen him in an hour he must be on a break right now.

I am out of balance. This is always the problem when I have a problem. Old behavior for me all or nothing. It is a character defect sometimes and an asset at other times. I can get a lot done in short amount of time but sometimes I don't know when to quit.

I am going to leave here and get some food. Then go home and take a nap or watch some tube or both. I am taking tomorrow off to re-group and see if I can find something fun to do. The dog sitting ended today so I will be free to sleep in and take care of myself.

Saturation and Sudoku

I woke up early this morning and felt like a million bucks. I started reading and having my morning cup of coffee and then dosed back off. The phone rang and it startled me I didn't feel like answering it, I could feel my mood had slipped.

I was having a dream that I was staying in a small cottage on someone else's property and when I walked in the door I interrupted a couple of robbers. I ran screaming from the house. I am sure there is a message here, but I will need more time to process this.

I have gone about my business today but I never got back to the elation I felt when I woke up the first time. I have finished a painting that I don't really like and I am not sure why I don't like it.

The picture was of some succulents I found in a magazine and using acrylics thinned like watercolors I painted it light and airy. I did this a few weeks ago and went back to it today to see if I could finish it. It felt too washed out and so I added more color and then more color. I hate it now. With painting is can be like cutting your own bangs when you were a kid and you just keep trying to even them up and end up going to school looking like a freak.

Sometime I get that way about life. A little seems good so a lot must be better. I am about extremes. I couldn't admit this until recent years and I have accused others of it plenty of times. You spot it you got it, right? When I am really into something I am really into it and then I am done.

Saturation is what I call it and I can never see it coming. I try really hard but inevitibly I hit the bottom exhausted and have no choice but to move on. Being ADD and complusive is not a great combination for a balanced peaceful life. It is my secret though, it isn't obvious to the outside world, only to my closest allies.

Once I spent an entire vacation in a hotel room (with three other people) doing Suduko puzzles. We had just discovered them and everyone was content to stay in the whole week pratically. After that week, I have never touched a Suduko puzzle again. After the trip they went on to higher levels etc. not me I was done.

So when does just enough turn into too much? Like today when is being alone with yourself and your introspective, analytical, complusive, ADD mind too long? I think I have answered my own question. Happy to get back to work tomorrow.