Finding nothing - uncomfortably still

I have been off the last two days and feeling pretty restless. I did have a tile emergency to resolve yesterday when one of my customers thought we had installed the wrong tile. I went by the office and picked up the sample and all is well.

I spent a few hours reading the Steve Jobs biography yesterday. I had reserved it from the library and had forgotten about it. I was number 247 so I thought maybe next year I would get the notification.

It mostly covers his career and towards the end the dynamics of his family. He authorized the book and didn't ask to review it before it was published. I didn't really show him as a thoughtful kind person. It showed him as a brilliant driven perfectionist with only one goal in mind the ultimate product being constantly improved.

I don't think that you can have it all. When you have great success in one area in your life then something gets left behind. If everything gets equal attention then you end up with everything falling in the middle. So how do you choose between your passion and the rest of your life. Is if fair to those in your life to get short changed.

I have been that person many times. I can become obsessed and so totally focused on one thing that the rest of my life gets ignored. Looking back I can see that I have live my life mostly out of balance. With my husband I was obsessed with him and my career suffered. Later I was obsessed with my career and my relationship suffered.

I have also been on the receiving end of that scenario too. Being ignored for alcohol, work, sports whatever the latest shiny thing was. I realize now I was living with myself all that time. You spot it you got it as they say.

I am more balanced now but miss the intensity of the one thing the current obsession. I no longer have extremes in my life and it makes me feel strange. Like I should be on the hunt for something new. Instead I am living in the moment and trying to accept that it is enough for today.

I have lost the drive to sacrifice everything for one thing anymore. Even my quest for spirituality became an obsession. I didn't want to see that the answer was to just stop looking for answers. To be still and be comfortable with being uncomfortably still.

picture 2012scenario.com

Home Alone - Practicing doing nothing

I stayed up late last night and watched two movies and Cupcake Wars. Today my motivation was low to continue doing projects around the house and besides I got just about everything done yesterday.

I thought do nothing today would be fun but found it next to impossible. It was the perfect day for it it was cold outside and nothing much going on. I have an appointment with a customer tomorrow so today was wide open. It really did my best just to relax and hang out with myself but it felt really uncomfortable.

I went upstairs where the sun comes in a big double window and just laid there. I thought about how animals don't worry about being productive. They make sure they have food and then they nap or chase each other around. Why is the prospect of doing nothing seem like such a burden to me.

I am driven by nature and the fact that I did most of the weeks chores in one day and then watched movies tells you a little something about me. Being still is the most uncomfortable feeling for me. I do meditate regularly but usually in the midst of a more hectic day. Something to squeeze on to my to do list.

My sponsor always says we are human beings not human doings. So today I just laid there looking out the window thinking about doing nothing. This was the best I could do. I did fall asleep thankfully for a half hour and then back to doing.

I am glad that I am taking this week off, except for meeting a customer tomorrow, it will be good for me to entertain myself and see what bubbles to the surface. I felt great yesterday and antsy today. I can live with antsy.

I saw a quote that said dogs are happier than people because they have no opinion of themselves. I going to hold that thought for as long as I can.