Step Two - Hope

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Step Two - Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step Two seems easy enough on the surface but it can really trip you up to relinquish the idea that you have all the answers. When I got to the program I was pretty delusional. Even though inside I was really insecure I still acted like I had everything under control.

If I admit that maybe I needed help that would let other people see that I was a fraud. I was human and besides I had trust issues. My situation at the time was pretty bleak no husband, no money, no friends and no family. I was all I had and if I admitted I needed help where would that leave me.

The co-dependent isolated relationship I had with my husband had left me alone by choice. He was all I wanted or needed. He filled every moment of my life with drama some really great highs and really bad lows. It was a full time job and I became lost in it. I was addicted to the drama and got my self-worth from being the hero of his life and ultimate the victim of my own life.

That sounds harsh but it is so true. My entire life, up until I came to Al-Anon, was the life of a victim. I had been rejected by my family and have repeated this rejection in just about every relationship and job I have had since. I am more comfortable being in the victim role. I would rather be hurt than hurt someone else. This is my choice so I can't really blame anyone else for choosing their own happiness over mine. It is probably healthier.

I think I have strayed from Step Two at this point but this is all part of the fabric of what the program has taught me. I have been a victim of other peoples choices many time since I started the program but the difference is that I am no longer comfortable playing the victim. It no longer feels good to blame someone else for my own unhappiness.

When my last relationship ended with infidelity it completely devastated me and I am just starting to feel good again. Even when I tried I couldn't muster the venom I had when my husband left me and believe me I wanted to.

I always knew in my heart it wasn't about me. Even if in the darkest of times, when I believed it was, it really wasn't. My spirit knew I wasn't happy and told me with a number of illnesses and 30 extra pounds. I chose to ignore those things because I couldn't face what it really meant. If I had known it would take me five years to feel good again I definitely wouldn't have been as willing as I was to leave.

During my recent growth spurt or time in the meat grinder I went back to my roots and trusted that something greater than my mortal self could restore me to sanity. I have come to believe that my spirit was made in the image of God and my spirit ultimate knows the what is best for me. If I keep my mind from getting involved I always end up where I am happiest.

I am for the first time consciously following my spirit and my mind is protesting every minute.  My spirit has been running the show all along but in a passive aggressive way. This time I am trying to get out of my own way and listen with my heart and not my head. I believe that this is the only way to sanity for me.

It is scary but the more I trust the easier it gets. Giving up the idea that I am in this alone helps me to remain peaceful some of the time.

Statue of Liberty - 1..2..3..1..2..3..

I went to one of my meetings last night and we talked about fear. A question was presented, what would you do next if you feared nothing? I contemplated on this after the meeting and again this morning and came up with at least one thing.

First if I didn't fear losing the life I am accustomed to I would pack my bags and take off to see my sister and her family. But instead I am staying here to cover the showroom while everyone else leaves town.

The discussion on fear made me realize how the steps have helped me handle my fears. First by removing the burden of feeling in charge of everything and then by teaching me to love myself. If I love myself I make healthy choices and not worry so much about being rejected. If we know our lives are in capable hands we can trust that things will work out with or without our help.

How do we get there? How do the steps identify or resolve our fears? First fear itself starts with one thought together with a little imagination. Imagining what it would feel like if that thought came true. I have a great imagination so this very act can paralyze me in an instant. It usually has to do with losing something I have or not getting something I want.

The easiest way to get a break from paralyzing fear is to remain in the present moment. Easier said than done since there is no one policing my mind but me. The first thing I learned about my mind in the program was it could not be trusted. The narrator was making things up just for the sake of drama. A silly trick I learned in the program was to think about the Statue of Liberty. Since you can only think of one thing at a time you got a break from the fear. Of course you can't spend the rest of your life thinking about the Statue of Liberty I guess you could try.

At some point you gotta move on with your life and try to get a grip on the situation which is your life. The steps give you the opportunity to sort out your life and how you ended up in such a mess and why what you have always done doesn't work anymore.

You don't necessarily have to be dealing with active alcoholism it could be anything or anyone you thought you could control and find out you can't, including yourself. The lack of control of really anything drives us all crazy. Things aren't going as planned and I refuse to accept it until I go off the deep end. Then I turn to the steps.

The first three steps help us to get a grip on our feelings. The first step by making sure we really want help. This is humbling for me to admit for the that I can't manage my own life. My ego can usually think of one more thing I can do to control the situation. Oh how much time I have wasted there.

The second step believing that something somewhere out there can help me. Looking outside myself for help. Relying on the fact that others have gone before me and seem to be in a better place so there must be something more powerful than me. At this point I have admitted I am lost and looking for help.

The third step I decide I really, really don't want to be in charge any more. I am spent. Nothing matters but getting some rest from managing my life. I am willing to put my life into the hands of a power greater than myself. When I get to this point I can rest for a moment and regroup before heading off to the fourth step to figure out just how I got here in the first place.

I am feeling better these days and I can look at where I am in my life with a little perspective. I don't feel so emotionally raw. I realized this week that I have come full circle in my spiritual search and that it is my opinion that working the steps is the easiest quickest way to relieve the pain I have caused myself.

The steps are simple and powerful and are always there when I need them. They don't compete with my other beliefs and offer an out if I find something I don't like. It isn't all or nothing and that is good because that is what got me here in the first place. My favorite Al-anon closing words, take what you like and leave the rest.

Tomorrow never comes

I have pulled myself up by my boot straps today. I often heard this in my family and thought, why does your boots need straps? I am in the office and put on my old manager persona and started getting things done.

I am focusing on what will bring in income for the business first and directing the owner while he is cleaning up the showroom.

We have work close to contract and in a few weeks we will be less stressed so I am committed to focusing on what can be done. We can clean and get organized. It is free and adds value. Act as if, isn't that what they say in the program. It is the waiting that makes you feel like things will never change so being busy is a good distraction.

I have felt lost and overwhelmed this week. It looks like I am alone in my situation but looks can be deceiving. The owner mentioned today that Jesus might come soon and that will solve everything. He is right that would solve everything but just in case we should have an alternate plan. My partner is handling her stress by compartmentalizing everything so she won't go insane. I have seen her insane and it is not pretty so it is best I leave her be today.

I decided last night to give myself until the end of the month to grieve over my dog officially. That means that I will be extra nice to myself. I won't over commit and I will eat what I want and get plenty of rest. I had a big bowl of homemade macaroni and cheese last night and watched Idol. Two of my favorite things. I didn't feel guilty for carb loading and once the carb coma hit I was at peace with the world.

Sometimes I miss the old me, the take no prisoner me. I was unstoppable at least in my own mind. I am happier in my head than I use to be but living consciously can be tough sometimes. When you don't accept responsibility for your own life you can weep and wail about how unfair life is and who's to blame for it, that keeps you busy. Too bad once you are awake you can't go back to the blame game.

Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Today this moment I am sane and not too worried about tomorrow. I can always do that when it gets here.

Just Being There

I spent the day at the movies yesterday with a friend who is experiencing a lot of emotional pain and is not sure where to go from here. I wanted to do something and felt helpless standing on the sidelines but we all have to do whatever it takes to move through the pain.

I think it is part of the recovery process. You realize you are not the person you thought you were and then you start to question everything. The question, who am I and what do I really want from my life starts an inner dialogue that can't be easily silenced. At first it felt like freedom to know that I could do what I needed to do for myself and then fear crept in because I didn't know who I was without those limited views.

So it takes time and we just want it to pass quickly but there is no way to get away from ourselves and nobody can help us through it and that is uncomfortable for everyone. We want to do something, we are doers in this program and fixers but we can't fix anyone except ourselves and sometimes we can't even do that.

Step Two says Came to believe a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanitiy. So all we can do is be there for those making the journey, wait with them comfort them just be there.

Step Two

Step Two- Came to believe a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.

With the present spiritual correction of our country there is more uncertainty than ever. Things are getting better and people are starting to come out from under their rocks and moving about. I am in sales and the uncertainty of this time is always close at hand for me and my partners.

Yesterday I was off and got a call from someone I work with who was in a panic over the future of our business. I was already physically tired and joined in on the fear and spent the afternoon thinking about what should be done. I finally was able to reach someone in the program and they were able to get me back on track and realize I had no power over what others were doing and that it was my decision to buy into the fear. She was right.

I had an afternoon appointment with the person that was the center of the issue and I was able to look at the situation from a spiritual place and not try to do anything about it. It will work out with or without me doing anything.

In this case a power greater than myself was my friend. Working the program doesn’t mean you are always happy but it does mean you don’t spend as much time being unhappy as you use to and that is progress.

Miracles-Step Two

This is the season for miracles and the celebration of the ultimate gift. It is hard to relate to that kind of gift in this day and time but there are miracles that happen every day in Alanon. I went to a meeting today that was chaired by someone with only 18 months in the program and he said he lost his wife to alcoholism 8 months ago.

He went on to talk about how much he had grown and what the program had done for him. Without bitterness or defeat just open honesty. I had seen him at other meetings and would have never imagined he was going through such a difficult time. He stayed after the meeting and talked with some newcomers.

The program gives us support and courage when despair is all we can see for ourselves. Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step Two-Came to Believe

Step Two- Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.



What this means to me is that it is possible, it doesn't mean that it has happened yet. In my case this process is long and painful. I have to wallow in the mess admit that I have a problem and then believe that I can't fix it. As long as I think I can find a solution on my own I don't need help. When I am exhausted and I have come to a place of acceptance of my powerlessness I am ready to accept help. I just have to be ready and believe that I will some day be restored to sanity. What to do while I am waiting is the hardest part. I am an action person and I can quickly start thinking of possible solutions and I then have to go back to Step One. This is the insanity and why I have to believe that only a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. All I have to do is believe this is possible.

I have been waiting to be restore to sanity for almost two years and it has been the most painful period of my life. Until recently I didn't believe that I would ever be restored to sanity. I have had more difficult times in the past but I would escape by burying the pain in my work and the rest of the time I would sleep. This time those solutions didn't work for me. I was left to face the pain wide awake. Most of the time I felt like I was an alien visiting from another planet. In the past month I have seen glimpses of sanity and that has helped me to believe that it is possible.

Today's reading in Courage to Change talks about growing at your own pace and this growth cannot be forced no matter how bad we want to move ahead. I have accepted this time of my life as part of God's plan for me. The pain will pass and with the help of the steps and my friends in the program I will emerge stronger than ever. I am only ask to believe.