How important is it? - Letting go - stress

I am in a better place this week even though work has been even more stressful than it was last week.  When you deal with the public it seems that you have difficult periods where you get caught up in a lot of small problems for me mostly things I cannot solve. At these times it is hard to remember the jobs that went right.

Our company does a great job of fixing whatever the problem is but not a great job of communicating what or when this is going to happen. By the time I find out about it and contact someone they have already sent someone out to take care of it.

It is way more efficient on the back side but it does cause the customer distress because they are not hearing back from anyone. It does really work out in the end. I just tell them that it will magically get taken care of if they give it a day or so. 

It is dysfunctional like a family and either you can hang with it or not. If you have got to know what is going on all the time then this is not the place to work. It isn't my responsibility to change it so I adapt the best I can. 

I am better in my old age at being flexible and not be outraged by the actions of others.  The lack of efficiency and all the time wasted re-working things in the past would have drove me nuts. When I was worked in true corporate america I worked my way up in the company so I could make changes to help make things easier fro everyone.  

My brain is solely interested in making things better whether at home, at work or even when I see problems at a store. I can't help myself but now I can just let it go knowing this is how the world works. One cashier in the garden department on a Saturday with ten people in line waiting for a manager to okay a plant on clearance. 

To be happy in this life you have to let go of everything that you have absolutely no control over.  This is the secret we don't want to accept. I can close my eyes and imagine something different but I have to accept the reality in front of me.  How important is it?  That is one of my favorite slogans from the program. It works if you work it.  That is another one. 

Being the adult in the room - Not helpless and abused - Dealing with the anger of others

Hope everyone had a good week.  I had a long work we not too manic but exhausting. Working yesterday was the icing on the cake with a seriously agitated woman and her husband coming in to pick up some material they purchased over the phone the day before.  It wasn't the right material and she was yelling at the receptionist. She decided she needed an adult to handle this and called me.

We have someone that handles the small stuff that is hourly and only works the regular week. He is eager to please and sometimes gets the details wrong because he is moving so fast. He has been a big help to the designers because we don't have to deal with this kind of stuff. 

She took her mask off to yell at me. Truthfully I was shaking but I found the right items and had to price them and then refund the wrong items and recharge the right items.  I had gone back to my office and worked up the price it took me longer because didn't want to make a mistake under stress. 

When I came back out she was complaining that it was taking me too long and got in my face again. I finally said "please do not talk to me like that - we are trying to help you". Even with my mask on she knew she had gone too far at this point and her whole demeanor changed.

In my own nervousness I did end up charging her card instead of refunding it so I had to refund twice and then charge the new amount. She did thank before she left and said they were under a lot stress moving from one house to another,

I hate it when people think that people in customer service are there for their abuse. I hear my co-worker next door constantly hammering people on the phone anytime she has a billing problem and it seems she always has billing problems. It isn't the person on the phone or in the store who is personally responsible for the mistake made why ruin someones day.

I think people get outraged about things to vent all that they are unhappy about in their very small world. Especially now because people are having a hard time adapting to the world changes we are experiencing  Being outraged towards strangers does not solve anything and just creates more stress. 

I get it for sure and what ever anyone does to us it isn't personal.  It is coming from a place that has nothing to do with us. This doesn't mean you have to accept bad behavior and you definitely have a right to stand up for yourself in a controlled none threatening way. 

I don't always like being the adult in the room but it is better than feeling helpless and abused. I am always careful to not lash back but realize I don't know what is going on with the other person. I don't want to add fuel to the fire. 

Glad to be home today with only myself to deal with. 

Music Therapy - Peace - Putting Fear aside

I have been working on my house today listening to the 70's music collection.  I requested this for one of my many birthdays.  Of course everyone made fun of me at the time. I think it was the Time Life series advertised with an infomercial.  It is one of the longest lasting gifts I have ever had. When I want to just tune out the world it quiets my nerves.  Oddly enough when I am at home I like silence.

You don't get this when you are living with another person really ever.  Especially with a sports fanatic or in the case of my in-laws who were hard of hearing and kept the TV blasting. Sound has always been an issue for me because I have incredible hearing. It isn't just that things are loud it is certain decibels of sound makes me really nuts to the point of putting on head phones.

This person at work has a family of five that are loud and chaotic and their son who otherwise seems normal just doesn't respond to them until they call him a few times. They took him in to get his hearing tested and it is perfectly normal. I told him he was tuning them out to cope with the volume and chaos going on all the time. I remember when my family had big get together s I would have to find a quieter place when it became too much. 

I enjoyed the music today but now it is off and my I do feel better. When we were kids before my mother got sick we were not aloud to listen to secular music in our house. With her sickness all rules got tossed out except when she was in the room. Otherwise we were sent to our rooms to entertain ourselves and do whatever we wanted.

I remember being probably nine spending the whole afternoon calling the radio station requesting Billy Joel's Piano Man a over and over.  "Sorry Mom I know you are so proud"  About guy in a bar playing the piano and the drinkers sitting around him.  Not exactly Jesus music.  If she was here she would say those people definitely needed Jesus.

It feels better to believe we aren't in charge of this world whether you believe in Jesus or not. We are all scared because we don't know what the future looks like and we have nothing but time to sit around and think about it.

I feel particularly peaceful today because I know there isn't one thing I can do to fix this problem or even to prepare for the future. I have finally learned to be still and accept this moment and not waste it running a countless number future bad scenarios through my head. We are not alone in this because we have each other and everyone is going through the same thing.

We think we can control everything but we can't.  This is an unseen enemy and it has made us all stop and think about our lives and how they might change from what we had planned. I definitely have had experience with this and resisting the reality of the situation just makes you suffer.

I am taking this time to prepare mentally and do things around the house that will improve it's value. Making repairs painting in the event that I might not stay here long term.  If it all works out then everything is shiny and new. I am grateful every day that I am physically and mentally healthier than I have ever been. I know no matter what happens I will be okay. 

We can't let our minds run rampant with fear.  It isn't good for us or younger people to see that fear. Be can be content with the time this has given us and know that soon enough we will right back out there and we can face it together.

The mind - hypnotherapy - Looking for Peace

I have been seeing a hypnotherapist hoping to have ideas of peace planted in my subconscious.  She was referred to me by a friend who was accepting her mother's diagnosis of progressive dementia.  I have felt really disturbed lately with my closest friends having their own escape from this world.

I know this may not go along with the majority of folks out there but I think sometimes you can't talk through your problems.  I believe we have layers and layers of beliefs about ourselves that were passed down or caused by an event in our lives that seemed minor at the time but our child mind left a lasting impression in our subconscious. Things that hold us back.

During my third session she told me that she wasn't sure she was the person to help me.  She said most of her clients want to quit smoking or lose weight.  Our second session we talked to whole time which made me unhappy.  I am tired of regurgitating my story again and again. Without me saying anything she offered to give me an extra session.  This was before she decided she couldn't help me.

I understood where she was coming from she couldn't see any tangible results from the therapy. She offered to refund my money for two out of three sessions.  I said I wanted to go ahead with the third session since I was there. It feels really great like a massage for the mind. I didn't lose consciousness but I was so relaxed that I didn't think I could swallow.  She spoke words of openness and peace to me and said I would be receptive to new people in my life.

When I came out of the session I decided that I would like to continue on for the fourth session. I told her that I felt that the hypnosis was helping me with the stress I am feeling now with work and my friends being sick.

I know myself well and I know my mind is both my friend and my enemy. I blame myself for the smallness of my life.  I love my work but it takes up most my time and over the years I have lost the support system I use to have.  I am more in contact with my family which is nice but when I slow down for too long I think "you should have made different choices."  This thought hurts because nothing can be done about the past.

This past week at work was particularly difficult with many demands on me and my time. There wasn't enough of me to meet their needs no matter how many hours I worked.  I found myself crying in the parking lot while eating my lunch in the car. By the end of the work week yesterday I was over it and not taking things too seriously.  A few of the big issues had been resolved and the rest of the people would have to wait or go somewhere else. I have done my best even if it isn't good enough sometimes.

Today was out weeding the yard and getting ready for the spring.  I feel at peace today without hypnotherapy just the sun and the weeds. The ebb and flow of life is constant but I really never get use to it.

Storm - Gratitude

We have had a lot going on here in the south and some of us are just starting to feel normal.  I was lucky and didn't have any damage to my property.  The other two people on my team are part of the 6% here that still don't have power here.

My neighborhood isn't even in an evacuation zone even though I am on a river inlet. A huge tree came down on an adjacent street.  It landed on top of a van parked in the driveway. With Mathew last year most of the older more brittle trees fell so I was surprised to see it down.

Two friends were staying with me for the main part of the storm one had been evacuated from a high rise at the beach. All went well and they were able to go home after two days.  I got my power back the second day and we were all back to work by Wednesday.

Our phones and Internet were off and on at work and people have been coming in when they couldn't get us on the phone. One customer stopped by in person to make sure I was able to run their credit card and get their carpet ordered before the storm on Friday.

Life goes on and we are lucky we can adapt to whatever happens to us. For most of us here we are feeling grateful that we were missed. Getting back to work was a blessing. It felt like coming back after you have been out sick for a week. Like I was in a fog.  With no email and Internet it gave us an extra day to come out of the fog.

I am grateful to be working and not dealing with the loss they felt in the Keys and the Islands. Paradise has it's drawbacks but for most of the time it is worth it.  I wonder if after this there will be a northern migration.

A real artist - Three glasses of wine

It has been nice taking a little more time off from work. It has given me a chance to take a look at many things that have been neglected in my personal life. This week I actually went back to my portrait drawing class and then last night I went to one of my fellow artist art opening.

I was in a very small store front which made it intimate. The lighting was very good and her oil paintings looked great. A few of us from the class showed up and we were all packed in there pretty close. Luckily the weather was great and we were able to stand outside and let the real customers inside.

We went to dinner afterward it was a pretty upscale place. Ironically a place my husband and I would go to for our anniversary in the early years when we were still celebrating. It is in a tourist area near the gallery. It seems sometimes you can never get away from the past.

While the server was delivering three large top heavy glasses full of red wine they toppled over and ended up down my back. Moments before when she was rounding the corner I thought to myself "those glasses look pretty top heavy."  A premonition I guess. If my husband had been there he would have made a comment about wasting perfectly good alcohol.

Our server never recovered and neither will my shirt or my cloth purse that was sitting on the floor. The restaurant didn't even offer to comp my meal. The manager did give me his card and said if I needed anything more let him know.

I left before everyone finished they were all drinking and my nerves were shot. A day of work and then standing around and then ending the evening in a loud restaurant from my past. I was a hour away from home and was glad to have the long silent drive to come back to center.

Today I am matting and framing portraits from my class. They are having an open house next week end and since I decided to go back when I did they ask me for three framed pieces.

This has brought up a lot of issues today that I wasn't expecting. It has stressed me out and I kept stopping and eating instead of just getting it done.

Why is it so hard to believe in yourself and your abilities. I can say I am a good even great designer but I can't say that about my art without hearing that voice that says "what if that isn't true?" Art is so personal. When I was a kid I knew I was going to be a real artist when I grew up.

The one area of my life that I still need someone else to say I am good in order to believe that I am.  I actually got my wish this week when the framer who cut my mats wanted my card. She said she wanted to buy one of portraits I was having matted. Even with that I thought she was just being nice.

Maybe because we are taught that it is wrong to take pride in yourself unless it is to do with work. I could be because I am afraid of what it might mean if I am not really any good. The story I have created around the idea that I am artist would be challenged and I might have to admit that I am not one.

The truth is that my art will better than some of the other students and not as good as some of the other students. If I decide that I want to invest more time towards art I will be better this time next year than I am now.  

Who knows maybe when I grow I will be an artist with a gallery opening. Maybe not. Either way it gives me joy when I just focus on capturing what in the faces of our models instead of thinking about whether I am a real artist.

Tomorrow never comes

I have pulled myself up by my boot straps today. I often heard this in my family and thought, why does your boots need straps? I am in the office and put on my old manager persona and started getting things done.

I am focusing on what will bring in income for the business first and directing the owner while he is cleaning up the showroom.

We have work close to contract and in a few weeks we will be less stressed so I am committed to focusing on what can be done. We can clean and get organized. It is free and adds value. Act as if, isn't that what they say in the program. It is the waiting that makes you feel like things will never change so being busy is a good distraction.

I have felt lost and overwhelmed this week. It looks like I am alone in my situation but looks can be deceiving. The owner mentioned today that Jesus might come soon and that will solve everything. He is right that would solve everything but just in case we should have an alternate plan. My partner is handling her stress by compartmentalizing everything so she won't go insane. I have seen her insane and it is not pretty so it is best I leave her be today.

I decided last night to give myself until the end of the month to grieve over my dog officially. That means that I will be extra nice to myself. I won't over commit and I will eat what I want and get plenty of rest. I had a big bowl of homemade macaroni and cheese last night and watched Idol. Two of my favorite things. I didn't feel guilty for carb loading and once the carb coma hit I was at peace with the world.

Sometimes I miss the old me, the take no prisoner me. I was unstoppable at least in my own mind. I am happier in my head than I use to be but living consciously can be tough sometimes. When you don't accept responsibility for your own life you can weep and wail about how unfair life is and who's to blame for it, that keeps you busy. Too bad once you are awake you can't go back to the blame game.

Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Today this moment I am sane and not too worried about tomorrow. I can always do that when it gets here.