The battle of the mind - Attracted to the addicted

I was looking for a small notebook to put by my bed for note taking.  What I found one with some writing I did a long time ago when I was actually on the beach.  I was writing about being stuck.  A theme I feel that has always been a part of my life but there was some excitement in it about The Course in Miracles.  I have moved on from that realizing that it was just another way of me not accepting what is and hoping these words dictated by (?) to a PHD and written down to share with the general public would be the truth and answers I was looking for.

I loved the words they formed sentences that were so complicated - almost like a PHD wrote them - that my mind would leap for joy just trying to wrap my head around them.  My mind is always looking for a puzzle to solve a place that needs fixing or just a bit of straightening up.  That is why I fell for the addicted over and over so much work to be done.  I knew I could help I had the power to make things better and they really liked my help for awhile. Until whatever they were addicted to got jealous and wanted me out of the picture.

I was hurt over and over again volunteering to give over my life to a cause and then being surprised that it wasn't appreciated in the least.  Now I know my mind just really likes complicated things.  It gets bored and starts looking around for entertainment.  I use to just do whatever anyone wanted me to do just to stay busy and keep my mind distracted.

I would find myself doing things that I really had no interest whatsoever in doing. I blamed others for sucking me in I guess I thought I couldn't say no. Now I just do what I want and sometimes there isn't anything I really want to do and I have to accept that this is where I am.  It is at times like these that my mind causes me a lot misery looking here an there to point out things that need to be done.  I hear those words "what is wrong with you? Look at all that needs to be done and you are doing nothing."

I can and have done a lot in my life.  Getting things done can give you a moment of happiness but then what is next?  Luckily my job keeps me plenty busy and keeps my mind off my back. It is only when I am home alone to long that things get ugly.  Sometimes I am not interested in being productive and the battle begins.

I always know that this conflict will pass and tomorrow I will be back to work.  Thank God for work.

Tears of Joy - Leaving my mind behind

When I was driving to my counselors appointment on Tuesday I was suddenly overwhelmed and tears began to roll down my cheeks.  They were tears of joy feeling like my life was back to normal.

This isn't any where close to being true. When was the last time I felt normal?  Before bits and pieces of my life were scattered to the wind.  About six or maybe seven years ago. That was last time I was only worried about work and normal things like chores and paperwork.

You take these mundane things for granted until you don't have them anymore.  When your days become only about making it until the next day. You watch other people and you know you aren't like them anymore. You remember being like them but you know you aren't anymore and the fear is that you will never be again.

My mind wants to dwell on why this happen to me.  Why after a lifetime of comebacks that this time I almost didn't make it back.  But I feel so good that I just want to live.  I just want to do ordinary things like empty the dishwasher and wash clothes.

I want to tell people that I see stressing over nothing. I want to say "Hey all this stuff you think is life and death is a joke"  I want to tell them that to stop and enjoy what is instead of wanting something they think they need in the future.

I have lived in my mind most of my life. I created a complicated place that I almost didn't escape from. I imagined that I was permanently damaged by my past and would forever be lost in pain and suffering.

A seed was planted a long time ago telling me that I was damaged. I built an interior life around this idea and used everything that happened to me as means to reinforce this idea. I had help too I got a lot of sympathy for what I had been through this helped me stay where I was even longer.

I believed this story I told myself. I have spent my life trying to fix my brokenness and after investigating every possible solution I found the one final truth "I am not broken the idea that I think I am broken is the real problem."  Nothing that happen to me is happening now it is my mind that is holding on to the pain. In truth I am addicted to the pain of my story.

I don't regret the path I have taken to heal myself.  I have met the people I call my family now.  I obviously couldn't do it any other way or I would have.  I hope my experience can save someone else a lot of time.

My way out did start with the 12 steps showing me how to control my thinking.  They also taught me that I wasn't perfect and neither was anyone else.  I learned to let go of my control and let life work itself out.

Today for the first time I am truly free from myself.




 

Options - You can't trust your mind

 My close friends mother was on her way here for a month long visit when her nephew at 22 committed suicide. He scratched sorry on an envelop.

His dad found him after making the usual Saturday morning pancakes for him and his sister. He was out of work, sick with asthma and drinking the way most people do in their twenties.

My friends mom arrived here Tuesday night and they both left this morning for Chicago. I made dinner for everyone last night and he left his dog at my house until he returns. It is comforting to have a dog around again a silent companion even though when I left this morning she was howling in her crate.

I understand the idea of suicide. I can see why someone young would think it was a good solution to endless pain. You don't have enough life experience to realize that life is a cycle of ups and downs. Your mind sometimes with the help of drugs and alcohol tells you that you will feel bad forever so what's the point of living.

The mind wins again. I wish that there was a way to convince everyone to not listen to the voice in their head especially when it doesn't have anything good to say. In my early years it was a manic voice constantly narrating the situation and giving me advice filling in the blank spaces with needless commentary. I thought this was normal and that this was a voice of wisdom and reason. It was a sum of all that I had learned from life.

I turns out that it was just making up stuff filling the hours with ideas. Ideas about what someone else was thinking or the 99 different ways a given situation would turn out usually with me getting the shaft. I lived my life on the defense trying to avoid the perceived danger in my head. This was a lot of work and I was exhausted and sick most of the time.

Over the years I have made friends with the voice for the most part. I have spent a lot time, when I am fearful, analyzing what it is saying to me that is making me feel bad. Taking each blanket statement it makes like "you are a complete failure" or "nobody cares about you" and proving that these statements aren't true. The mind knows all those buried weaknesses of core beliefs you have about yourself. It knows what to say that will undermine all the progress you think you have made.

I don't imagine that this every stops for anyone I think maybe some people just take the voice more seriously than others. My friends nephew probably was one of them. The pain of living at that moment was too much for him and he chose to use the new gun that he had gotten for his birthday to take his own life.

I hope he found peace on the other side.