Music Therapy - Peace - Putting Fear aside

I have been working on my house today listening to the 70's music collection.  I requested this for one of my many birthdays.  Of course everyone made fun of me at the time. I think it was the Time Life series advertised with an infomercial.  It is one of the longest lasting gifts I have ever had. When I want to just tune out the world it quiets my nerves.  Oddly enough when I am at home I like silence.

You don't get this when you are living with another person really ever.  Especially with a sports fanatic or in the case of my in-laws who were hard of hearing and kept the TV blasting. Sound has always been an issue for me because I have incredible hearing. It isn't just that things are loud it is certain decibels of sound makes me really nuts to the point of putting on head phones.

This person at work has a family of five that are loud and chaotic and their son who otherwise seems normal just doesn't respond to them until they call him a few times. They took him in to get his hearing tested and it is perfectly normal. I told him he was tuning them out to cope with the volume and chaos going on all the time. I remember when my family had big get together s I would have to find a quieter place when it became too much. 

I enjoyed the music today but now it is off and my I do feel better. When we were kids before my mother got sick we were not aloud to listen to secular music in our house. With her sickness all rules got tossed out except when she was in the room. Otherwise we were sent to our rooms to entertain ourselves and do whatever we wanted.

I remember being probably nine spending the whole afternoon calling the radio station requesting Billy Joel's Piano Man a over and over.  "Sorry Mom I know you are so proud"  About guy in a bar playing the piano and the drinkers sitting around him.  Not exactly Jesus music.  If she was here she would say those people definitely needed Jesus.

It feels better to believe we aren't in charge of this world whether you believe in Jesus or not. We are all scared because we don't know what the future looks like and we have nothing but time to sit around and think about it.

I feel particularly peaceful today because I know there isn't one thing I can do to fix this problem or even to prepare for the future. I have finally learned to be still and accept this moment and not waste it running a countless number future bad scenarios through my head. We are not alone in this because we have each other and everyone is going through the same thing.

We think we can control everything but we can't.  This is an unseen enemy and it has made us all stop and think about our lives and how they might change from what we had planned. I definitely have had experience with this and resisting the reality of the situation just makes you suffer.

I am taking this time to prepare mentally and do things around the house that will improve it's value. Making repairs painting in the event that I might not stay here long term.  If it all works out then everything is shiny and new. I am grateful every day that I am physically and mentally healthier than I have ever been. I know no matter what happens I will be okay. 

We can't let our minds run rampant with fear.  It isn't good for us or younger people to see that fear. Be can be content with the time this has given us and know that soon enough we will right back out there and we can face it together.

Memories and Music

It has been a busy week.  I have mentally been visiting the past with my wedding anniversary this week.  It seems silly that I still think about this date every year.  I use to push it back but when I did I would end up with a sense of melancholy that I just couldn't put my finger on.

I didn't want to acknowledge this date.  To me the marriage represented a failure on my part. I couldn't keep it together. All my plans for the future went out the window when our life together ended.

This week I went to a jazz concert with a friend from the program. The musician was one my husband use to listen to and taught me to love when we first got married.  Because it was a last minute invite I didn't even know who was playing until I got there.

I half expected to run into him there but of course I didn't he probably doesn't even live here anymore. I don't have hurts over the past anymore. I can accept that life is just life and things happen and it is no body's fault.

He was a generous and kind man that taught me a lot about two important things in life food and music. Our relationship was an intimate one and we were rarely apart outside of work.  We lived in an exclusive world just the the two of us and we loved it while it lasted.

When the affects of alcoholism started creeping into our time together I didn't really notice.  I didn't know anything about alcoholism and I blamed myself for the distance between us.  It wasn't just his drinking but the emotional problems he had from being raised in an alcoholic home.

With my own emotional baggage we didn't have much of a chance of surviving. Two emotionally stunted people with no communication skills trying to overcome the impossible without help.  We were emotionally two children without a clue and blamed each other.

We did love each other but sometimes that isn't enough. I can accept that now and I can accept that he was just a part of my journey which led me to where I am today.

When our relationship ended my own recovery began and the journey has led me to understand that I can choose to be free.  I can be free if I can stop blaming myself or someone else for how I feel today. If I can let go of the idea that my life needs to be fixed then I can enjoy this moment.

Tonight I am feeling gratitude for my life in general and for this week of hard work, memories and music.