Drama - Crazy Makers - Peace

I have gotten through my grief and feel happy again. I have to remember that with every dip I always come back higher than before it began. My spirit is processing something and if I can just hang with it I will reach the other side. I am always changing and if I don't resist it will happen quicker.  I just have to trust myself and all the work I have done to find peace. 

I had a curious dinner with my next door neighbor. Only the second time I have been in her house.  The first time I was invited it was when I was in my darkest place without any social boundaries. Someone ask me how I came about living next door and I told them my story. I was so raw then and didn't have the energy to consider how the other person might receive what was said. That was ten years ago and since then her husband passed from a long term heart problem. 

If is not likely that if you are asked a question that anyone really wants to know a sad answer. No one wants to hear that you aren't well. During this small get together the topic of the day was food and the latest heart healthy recipes. In contrast I was trying to decide if I wanted to live so it was awkward for everyone.

This week during our 3 hour dinner we found out we have a lot in common but most of what we have in common was the person I was before. She loves astrology - acupuncture - meditation - psychics - liberal politics.  She even has a program to do your chart based on your time of birth. I used to use all these things as a way to encourage myself to try to feel better. I am at peace now not looking for outside answers.

All spiritual roads lead to same place is what I know now. All these things are interesting and entertaining but they are not a destination. When I was girl I used astrology books to make myself feel better about who I was and even hid one under my mattress. Astrology in my world was of the devil but I loved hearing good things about myself it was the only positive input I was ever going to get. The beginning of a life where I had to pat myself on the back to keep going. 

Once my stepmother was plundering my room as she often did and found my book and I was grounded for a few months. I bought another one and kept it at school.  I learned quickly that life was only about survival.  You can only trust yourself and sometimes not even yourself. I have used many methods to find security and safety for myself.  Hanging the serenity prayer in my first apartment at sixteen. God has taken care of me even though I haven't always believed in God.

What I do believe in is something greater than myself at least my physical self. I do believe that there is a higher self within us that is outside the limitations of our conscious mind. This spirit is always trying to nudge you towards what is right for you. It is only drowned out by the basic human fears that we face everyday. We run towards anything that can give us temporary relief from feeling uncomfortable.

Throughout my life I have learned to first see how my own thoughts were hurting me and then start to change those thoughts with whatever means possible. I am not helpless in an irrational world I can focus on bringing my own mind and body to a place of harmony and gratitude. 

Our emotions are mixed with the people around us like it or not.  If we can feel secure in our own peace others people will not be able to affect us.  This takes stepping back from the crazy makers in our lives and knowing that we can choose to not get caught up in the drama. Drama only works when it is fed.

It is hard to break this cycle and it will make them try harder to bring you back in but it is your choice. It is always your choice even if you feel trapped by your circumstances you can decide to just choose peace in your mind. Physically the other person can sense the change and it will disengage them even if it only for a moment. 

I think with the recent dip I have moved through another spiritual level. I have reached a point where I can just trust myself to be enough for any situation.  I can stop thinking I need to be more or I need to be like someone else. I know myself well and my inner self will guide me through the ups and downs and I will be alright. Life feels random but the more grounded in peace that we are the less we will be shaken by it.  

Commitments to myself - Entertainment

Here we are on the eve of another year filled with potential.  I am usually anti resolutions and try to not set myself up for failure and just promise to do my best. This year I have decided to write a few goals down.

Now that I am out of the danger zone emotionally and not worried that depression will return for a long term visit I feel more free to make plans.  With a healthier mental state my work doesn't seem so overwhelming and I can live with the constant uncertainty.  It is just work and luckily for me I enjoy what I do and I am good at it.

I am making a few resolutions this year or maybe I would rather call them commitments to myself. First the usual health I want to start eating less sugar and exercising more. I have gotten into the habit of eating something sweet every day and since sugar causes cravings for more sugar it has just gotten out of hand.  I also plan to watch less TV horizontally. I have a stationary bike so I am committing to riding it while watching.

The next commitment to myself is to promote my business.  I thought I would set up a face book page and put all my pictures out there.  Since I work for someone else I will just state designing for "____".  Also I am going to contact some of my old customers and let them know where I am.

The final commitment is to improving my house.  This I have already started in fact I just about finished my kitchen floor. It isn't the kitchen I would design for my customers but it will get me by until I am ready for the big redo.  I already have a guy coming to give me a bid on painting the house on the outside on Monday. I want my house to be ready to sell or just nice for me however that works out.

I really feel ready to run my life instead of my life running me. I think my on spiritual quest for peace confused me for a time.  I think realizing that the world and all our wants and needs are rather fleeting and there is no road that leads to permanent happinesness made me feel like putting more energy into to maintaining this illusion was real waste of time.  Over time I have come to terms with this and have realized I have to do something with my time.

I use to be mostly a doer getting lost in doing to avoid thinking too much about the underlying suffering that was going on. When life broke me I couldn't function in that place anymore I could no longer push the pain down. I stopped doing anything.  I drowned in sadness after fighting it for so long I let go and to my surprise I floated to the top a different person.  Mostly blank which really scared but I got use to it.

Today little pieces of me have returned including the desire to get things done.  I don't have the ego I use to have which included pain and insecurity. The desperate need for other people to validate my worth when I couldn't.  I have mostly let go of the past and of the imaginary future I thought I would have including bonding with my own family. I know now I can be whole without validation from outside myself. I can do for the sake of doing instead of doing as a means of escape from pain.

I am going to live this year open to what life brings me. I am mostly healed and ready to go back to being a doer and a little less of a thinker.  Thinking about the past or the future is really just my mind needing entrainment. It is a habit and works as long as it doesn't cause me pain.

I can plan and dream but I know that when I arrive at those destinations that I will be no happier than I can be if I want to in this very moment. Nothing out there will make me happy long term. It is all just something to fill our days and entertain us until our time is up. So I am committing to enjoy the moment and spend less time thinking about enjoying the moment.

I wish for you to find a way to accept that we have the power to heal ourselves by realizing the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves controls our happiness. Letting go of the truth that only exist in our mind is the ultimate path to freedom. We have power to create a better story for ourselves by letting go of the ones that have defined us our whole lives. We have that power to let go and be free. .

Happy New Year

It is clear to me now - the truth - the spiritual self - the mind

It is becoming clear to me now. I have spent a great deal of my life working on myself. Weaving through my sorted upbringing poking around in every dark place of my existence trying to rid myself of what was ailing me.

I think I have done a pretty good job overall. First the program and the steps that clearly led me down the right path of looking inward. There was initial moments of great revelation when I could see how my thinking was hurting me. I used every tool offered and made my life better but I didn't find the joy I was hoping to find.

I eventually through life's circumstances lost what peace I had gained. I went back to the beginning and to what had worked before. The words all felt empty to me I wasn't the same person anymore. My mind wanted more and nothing could be done.

So I decided to look to other spiritual means. First Byron Katey her talks seem to resonate with me she came back a new person after some sort of mental or spiritual episode. I could relate to that. "The Work" peaked my interest I understood what she was trying convey but it was her journey and ultimately I moved on. It was too simpel ironically I did like that she could but the whole spiritual process on one page.

I then turned to A Course In Miracles my mind was really turned on by the complexity of this book. It felt like the Bible but wasn't the Bible, which worked for me at the time, it was the wordy writings of a PhD and intellectualized concept of spirituality. A big giant puzzle for the mind. Just like the Bible it would take a lifetime of devotion just to scratch the surface. If I wanted that I would stick with Bible it is more interesting and certainly has more history to back it up.

What was I  looking for? I was looking for something that would give me an edge. Some kind of super power over this world that I live in something to make me feel I am special an taken care of. That I have stumbled upon the one secret that makes me exempt from more pain and loneliness. A set of instructions a membership in a special club for the enlightened. I had a dream.

What I realize now is that I have had that all along. I was born with my own spiritual compass and that even though life dumped all that stuff on me I still had to power beneath it all to find my way back. It was the mixed information that was given to me that mad it less clear. Deep within my spiritual self has been trying to bring me back to that moment. Every decision made by my spirit leading me back to the person beneath it all.

I have to trust myself to uncover the lies that I have I have been told especially the ones I have told myself. The ones that make it all too complicated the ones that say I am not worthy of love and the list my mind gives to prove this is true. I have to reach down deep and stand up for myself to myself and face those lies.

If I can do that I can stop trying to find the ever elusive truth and start having fun. I have no idea what that means at this point. I have to know that the spiritual truth is in me and that truth will set me free. It is all so clear to me now.

Seeking Approval - Do I need it?

I seem to be in a pretty surreal place today. Like watching the world from the outside.

I did some journaling on my self worth last night. Given that I almost had a panic attack over defending my worth yesterday. I didn't want to write I didn't feel like a voyage to the deep. I did it anyway. It was helpful to identify where the idea that I am not worthy came from and it is just an idea in my head.

I thought I had stopped letting the opinions of others affect me but wanting recognition is really the same thing. If you want the praise and appreciation it isn't given, you are giving the person the same power. See me, look at me, validate me.

If someone says your great then your great if they say you aren't then they are wrong. If they say nothing at all it leaves a longing that makes you want to try harder. I found in my journaling that the important people in my life never or rarely give approval.

Even worse when I did get that long awaited approval and it came with a critique or in some back handed manner.

This brings me to my greatest tool, the mirror. I had to ask myself, do I withhold praise myself? Do I critique along with praise? The answer is yes. I can honestly say I don't do the backhanded compliment but I am an natural critic always looking to improve. You spot it you got it as they say in the program.

Am I suppose to be mature enough to go through life without praise and validation? If I am not going to take criticism seriously I can't take praise seriously either.

I think I have to say yes. I have to do my best and take both praise and criticism with a grain of salt. Everyone is entitled to their own truth but I don't have to see it their way or convince them of mine.

I can listen and decide whether anything they are saying is true without defense. If I don't take it as an attack I can make changes the will make me a better person. If I can't find anything of value I can decide that it is just another view and move on, holding no resentments.

The situation with the customer taught me something. First the lesson of self-worth and second that I need to be clearer about my fees and send invoices in a timely manner. So this was a good thing for me to experience and I am grateful.

Life can be really squirrely

There is a lot you can learn from nature. While waiting for my coffee to brew this morning I watched a squirrel doing crazy loops in the highest of the trees in my backyard. It was from a different angle than usual because I was inside instead of outside.

The tree is about three storeys high and from my perspective it looked like he had lost his mind. Then I noticed something huge in his mouth. I surmised that he was building a nest. I didn't know squirrels have nest but I guess that makes since. The first loop he pulled the branch off the limb. Second loop stripped off the foliage and the third picked another branch.

This all took place in the time it took for my coffee to brew. Before I got my coffee he had wrapped it up and headed down the tree. I thought about how when you are on the outside looking in it may appear that what your watching makes no sense at all. If you are not involved then it is easy to accept that is is none of your business.

What if you are involved? Then what? In the program they say what you think about me is none of my business. This always ticked me off because I thought if you are hurting me then it becomes my business. I had this saying regularly used against me when I was standing up for myself with a recovering alcoholic. It seemed it was used to avoid acknowledging what they were doing was hurting me. The relationship didn't survive.

What I learned was that I may not know the whole story but I do know the part that affects me. All I can do is have the courage to ask for what I need and accept the result. The other person can either address my concerns or not. It may seem at this point I am powerless but I can decide to stay in the relationship and accept things as they are or move on.

I am experiencing this now with my possible business partner. I am deciding what I need to feel secure and happy working together and I am addressing that with her. Lets face it it is a marriage and a long term commitment for us both. Today things are looking better as my mind starts to clear and I know what I want.

I know you are thinking all this from watching a squirrel. What can I say it is just how my squirrely mind works.

For Pete's Sake

I was reading a CS Lewis The Great Divorce and came across a line that said for peace sake. I stopped and thought Granny has done it again.

As I have written before my grandmother taught me all kind of sayings that were her version for example. If wishes were horses we would all go for a ride and two peas in a pot. Now I guess I need to add for Pete's sake. I always wondered who Pete was.

I guess for peace sake is appropriate today. The more spiritual I become the less political I become. I can't see the big picture and why there is so much suffering in the world. I can only try not to personally do harm to another myself and pray for those that protect us for a living. We all do our best with the circumstances handed to us and I know for myself many times even my best wasn't good enough.

Thinking about the news last night I had this thought. A distorted mind came up with a tiny hateful idea and then with time and money sold this idea to others with fear and hate in their hearts. Hateful ideas feed on fear and fear can be a powerful emotion. Suddenly a tiny hateful idea in one person's mind has morphed into a tragedy. A tragedy that effects a whole planet. One tiny hateful idea in one person's mind.

Will this be closure for the families or the nation or will it just bring the past back into the present for everyone. Giving the power back to the fear and hate.

I pray that this will bring healing for those that need it and this will not ignite more hate in the hearts of those that live by hate and fear.

For peace sake.

My experience with the Steps

A friend was sharing with me yesterday about a conflict she was having with someone that worked with her. I suggested a different approach and she made the statement that she was just a direct person. I thought, how is that working for you? (thanks Dr. Phil) I use to be that person. I would tell it to you straight like it or not even if you didn't ask.

It brought me back to how we have the false belief that we can't change who we are and I know that that isn't true. The Steps changed me completely. After that conversation I watched a sermon on TV that was about labels. He is a very positive speaker so I am open to the message. In my mind God's messages to me are not limited to a specific source and if I pay attention even a billboard can have message for me. So take what you like and leave the rest.

I agreed with the thought that we are limited by the labels and don't even know if the labels are accurate. Labels given to us by other people. We can live up to or down to the labels or we can decide to label ourselves.

It takes work to break out of this mold or even just question if what we were taught is true. I think the 12 steps began this process for me. If I had known it would be such work or the journey would be life long I might not have taken that first step.

The Steps are sneaky. They catch you when you are desperate, Step One. Then right away they make you feel better by giving you hope and comfort, Step Two. By that time, for the moment, you are willing to give up control, Step Three.

This is when you start to wake up and realize you have been your own worst enemy. Bummer. Then the Steps teach you that you have the ultimate power to change yourself and the way you think. To question whether your own thoughts have had your best interest at heart.

It starts off slow and you meet with resistance mostly from yourself and then boom you feel a little freedom. So you move on and then another mental road block, the Step Four. Hate it, yuck can't go around it, looks like a mountain just when you were breezing along but it is too late you have felt the freedom the steps have to offer. So you sit there looking at it for a long time and it is staring back at you. Then someone convinces you it isn't such a big deal so you jump in and they were right it didn't kill you.

You tell someone all the terrible things you have admitted to yourself about yourself and they look at you and they say so what, Step Five. Your not so special nothing on the list that hasn't been on a million other peoples list. The case you have built against yourself has fallen apart and now you can start to let it go.

How do you do this? I am not really sure how it happens but it does. With Step Six you just sit with what you have discovered and decide if you can part with the baggage. Is it possible that everything you thought was fact might have been distorted by your own thinking? It is too much to take it all in at once. Is it possible some of what has happened to you is your own doing? If you can accept this painful truth and want to make a clean sweep you are off to Step Seven.

You decide you really want a new start and you let go. It is humbling to ask for help to admit you don't have the answers. When you do this doors start to open because you are open to a will other than your own. Step Eight is about gathering your thoughts and figuring out if facing those that you have unknowingly or knowingly trampled along the way and would benefit from an apology. More humbling on the way.

You have made it this far and you thought there was nothing more scary than Step Four until you reach Step Nine. OMG! You can't avoid it it is the road to freedom. The response to your amends is not your responsibility. It is getting to the place of being willing to admit what was done that frees you. I think of things that have been done to me and how far even an acknowledgement would go let alone an amends. It is never too late for a sincere apology.

So you have put all out there for everyone to see and your ok with that now. You feel so free without the out dated thoughts of the past, the judgements you made about yourself and others. How do you keep from going back? Step Ten covers that by keeping things current, staying humble every day. Doing the best you can and knowing that everyone else is too. Even though they aren't doing it the way we think they should.

This is where we are going to need help and lots of it. Step 11 is the most important to me because my ego has been in charge up until now and isn't too happy with relinquishing control and will fight to the death to get it back. Literally. I need back up in this area and finding time to really question my thoughts keeps me from slipping back. Lost in the negative banter in my head.

The whole process results in the first of many awakenings Step 12. Some small some life changing. I do my best to pass on the gift of freedom and hope to others. I can't really give it to them but I can show them that it is possible. They have to find their own way. Just as I have found mine.

The Steps have changed me and for that I will forever be grateful. I am constantly running up and down these steps and they have become part of who I am and some days I have start with Step One and begin again.

Disclaimer - My version - Take what you like and leave the rest.

Cunning Baffling and Powerful

I can't help but continually analyze my life look at where I have been and where I might be going. It is the core of me and something I have come to accept. Responsibility is always part of who I am etched permanently in my personality.

Living life with such seriousness can be draining and by the time I found the 12 steps I had made serious and art form. I never laughed and hadn't experienced joy in so long I wasn't sure it was possible for me. I gravitated to the alcoholic in my life because he seemed so different fun loving a real party guy. I wanted that for myself but being with him made me more serious because I felt responsible for keeping him safe. I was the designated driver for him and his friends.

It has taken a few decades to realize that I have to find my own joy and in the case of the fun loving active drinker what I found was the outside did not mirror the inside. We were really the same but the alcohol helped cover up the disdain he had for himself. Just like me never enough always blaming someone else for the bad breaks in life. I blamed him he blamed just about anyone but me at first and then me.

I watched an interview with David Arquette first time sober since he was 12. He talked about how perfect Courtney was to him. The perfect mother and wife. It was funny because I thought that describes the Al-Anon personality. He said he was the live wire and she grounded him. What a big responsibility to be someones everything.

I thought sickness to be with someone that is totally checked out. To be responsible and part of me thought power and control. The addiction has the power and it was my illusion to think I was every in control.

Cunning baffling and powerful. The cunning part was that before the drinking escalated it made me think I was in control and then the disease started moving into my territory. Just a little here a little there rebelling against me seeing just how far it could go. Pulling back from time to time to make me think I was back in charge.

Just as I eased my grip boom full on chaos and rebellion. Its power could not be matched no matter how smart I was or how much my husband loved me the disease won.

It has been many years since I live with active alcoholism but it left a mark on me a scar from many battles. It is the belief that you can win the battle for someone you love that takes you down. They have to fight for themselves and you have to get out of the way. You can put on your 12 step armour and become a warrior protecting yourself by being healthy and having x ray vision to see through the cunning part.

Addiction has been around as long as humans I suspect and it knows all the games. Being aware and present is the only way I have found to not get caught up in the game. We have all be affected by the disease and have taken on some of its subtle manipulating ways. Sometimes I catch myself using some of those techniques that I learned to get what I want instead of simply asking.

I wasn't going to write about this but here it is. I guess the interveiw brought up a lot of feelings about how superior we think we are to the alcoholic and how we are just as sick to want to be with someone that is not really there. I thought I was better but really we were the same. Covering up pain in different ways me with control and him with the alcohol.

The steps helped me to find myself and realize that I am the only person that can make me happy or make me sad. Recognizing my part in everything has been a gift. It has helped to not feel victimized. The scars are just a reminder. I don't carry the pain anymore but it helps to remember just how far I have come.

Getting to the other side

I took this picture my road trip the other day the view was similar to a picture a friend sent to me not too long ago. I like bridges because they were built by people wanting to make it easier to get across an obstacle and everyone benefits from their hard work.

This blog has been a bridge for me connecting the person I was to the person a am today. It has given me the opportunity to share my personal pain and success while reinventing myself at the same time.

Tonight I watched Madmen and the main character made me realize that I have crossed another bridge. His wife has left him and at the same time he has started a new company. Every one needs him to be the natural leader he has always been and he isn't up to the task. He isn't himself and things are sliding down hill quickly. By the end of the program they are sucking up to customers they don't even want. He makes a great pitch and the clients say they think it is to risky. He stops for a moment and then throws them out of his office and you can see a shift has occurred.

This is where I am today. Something happen to me this weekend that has made me feel enough is enough. I am tired of feeling needy and helpless so I am standing up and dusting myself off and taking my life back. Today I am done with the grief and fear that has paralyzed me and I am ready to move on. So I am going to build my own bridges and toss those whinny customers out of my office.

Dealing with the Dead-Fathers Day

I didn’t realize it was Fathers Day until late yesterday and this morning I woke up with some thoughts about my own father.

My dad, actually we called him daddy was a quiet man with strong convictions about a limited number of things. What does that mean well it means he limited his passion to a few things and as long as you didn’t disrespect those things he was very agreeable in an almost super human way.

He was the center of my emotional issues for most of my life. I wasn’t one of the things he was passionate about. He loved me and I didn’t doubt that I just wanted to be on that list of things he was passionate about. I have dealt with that finally after many years working on being enough for myself and realizing that whether your parents made you feel worthy you are worthy.

Someone brought up in the meeting yesterday, that even though their parents didn’t do everything right, they actually passed down some good stuff. So with that I have to give my daddy credit.

He gave me the ability to analyze things. He gave me the ability to fix just about anything and solve just about any problem. He gave me a work ethic that has made me successful in everything I have ever attempted to do. He showed me that the tortoise will always prevail as long as he keeps moving forward.

Even though this is difficult to write he gave me one thing that has sustained me through out my life, the belief in a power greater than myself. I loved him and I wanted him to be passionate about me but the list was short and I was not on it and that was hard for me to accept. This is where we are different my list is long and I am passionate about everything and everyone on it.

So there you have it my tribute to Fathers Day. One last thing my Mother died when she was 41 and I was 11 and it is easy for me to make her the fantasy mother. My father died at 70 giving him almost 30 more years to be more human and not meet my expectations. I love you Daddy and hope heaven was all that you expected it to be.