Do you see me? Living in crisis - Taking care of yourself

I slept in way too long which means I have some pretty crazy dreams that usually force me to get up. This week was super busy and I worked a lot of extra hours.  When I do this it feels like I am missing out on the joy every day can bring. 

It takes me back to a time when I missed big chunks of my life focusing on just getting through one crisis after another. I thought this was normal and maybe it is for a lot of people.  For me I remember scenes from these times, usually not happy ones, but I don't really remember actually participating.  

I wonder if I got this from my own mother who stayed busy and never ever really rested. My sister is like this too and has had some serious health scares. I think sometimes we think if we stop running then whatever is chasing us and will eat us alive.  I am not like that now and it feels more natural to be at peace than to be running so fast. Growing up it was one crisis after another and this feels normal to us.

I was telling my hairdresser last weekend that I was writing about my childhood and didn't really remember but one intimate moment with my mother. I also said that I thought we were more like a job to her and of course raising a family is a full time job but I really didn't connect with her unless I was in trouble.   

The moment occurred when she drug me out of church for making too much noise to give me a whipping. We exited through a door between the old sanctuary and the new one and after the whipping we got locked out. We couldn't get in or out and had to wait until church was over which was a long time. She was so mad at first but then she started laughing giving me the signal to laugh too. I remember being big but not too big for her to hold me on her hip. 

My hairdresser said to me "I think I do that. I don't see my girls as little people that I can get to know. I am too busy doing my parenting job to really see them."  I was happy that sharing my experience might change the way she sees her kids. Just like me they want to be seen sometimes when they are not being just managed or in trouble. 

My mother was amazing and dedicated her life to helping other people. She knew when she got sick that she had to prepare us for taking care of ourselves but she also taught us that other people especially family was more important than your own needs or even our health. She was closer with my sister since she was four years older than me and had more time with her. Her story is different than mine.

I have learned the hard way that it is important to take care of yourself first so you have something left for the people you love. It isn't the responsibility of others to see that you need taking care of everyone is too wrapped up in their own problems. 

Today I know when I need to slow it down and after a lifetime I have come to appreciate what I bring to the table. I can now do what I need to do to take care of myself instead of the years I spent exhausted waiting for someone to notice that I had needs too. I am stronger than ever and happier too. I am not too busy to enjoy what everyday brings. 

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The deluxe life - being alone - The past

I use to have a deluxe life that is what my mind says when I feel emptiness especially around the holidays. I remember one 4th of July where my ex and I made pin wheels on the 4th for a party we were having.  We put them on each side of the driveway. The idea was from one of Martha Stewart's gracious living articles.  Ironically I think this was around the time she was heading for prison. Things were not so deluxe for her and if I am honest not so much for me either.

I always wanted a family and a lifestyle like I imagined other people had. I love visually beautiful things and I have spent my life improving on what is and tweaking constantly until everything is just right.  I wanted everything to be perfect that day the food the decorations I was all in.  Looking back my partner was probably not all in and was just going along which was what always worked for us.

In the beginning I did think that we were so much a like but really I was having myself reflected back to me. I did see this later on and tried to force the issue by asking for opinions and not getting them - only to end up frustrated and just doing my own thing.  I am strong willed and I know it so I am always careful to not run over other people when decisions are being made. It is true though that when no one in a group will make a decision I am willing to step up and make it.

I am a reluctant leader you could say which makes me a good at what I do. I listen to see what ideas people have and what they are thinking they want and then I work to bring them to life. In the end I want everyone to be happy and the dream in their head to come alive. 

Anyway when mind starts reminiscing about how I had the perfect life and now I have nothing I have to just stop myself. I have a choice to follow those thoughts down a sad negative path and pretend the past was so much better than it really was or I can just say no. I have a tendency to blame myself for everything this gives me control instead of admitting just like millions of other people I was cheated on and it ended the relationship. 

This was a long time ago and it really doesn't matter at this point and isn't something I allow myself to dwell on very often. It is just at holidays I imagine how my life would have been different if I had made different choices.  That doesn't really help does it? I was never happy because I felt alone all those years in my relationships mostly because I chose people that liked what I had to offer. I could take care of them I would create a nice life so they didn't really have to do anything. 

The truth is I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I am being a wife to myself and making myself a comfortable life. I don't need other people to need me in order to feel worthy of being loved. It has taken me this long to learn how to take care of myself and not feel guilty about it. 

I am a very different person than I was when I chose the people in my life. None them would work for me now even if they did magically came back. I am a whole person now and not the needy girl I use to be willing to live with emotionally unavailable people who never consider my needs.

The idea or another relationship isn't off the table if the opportunity arises but with social distancing at this point I could only meet someone delivering something. It could happen but even if it doesn't I will enjoy the life I have created for myself and be grateful I am not stuck in the past even if I occasionally indulge in the "what ifs" Thank God I can catch myself before it ruins my 3 day weekend.