The deluxe life - being alone - The past

I use to have a deluxe life that is what my mind says when I feel emptiness especially around the holidays. I remember one 4th of July where my ex and I made pin wheels on the 4th for a party we were having.  We put them on each side of the driveway. The idea was from one of Martha Stewart's gracious living articles.  Ironically I think this was around the time she was heading for prison. Things were not so deluxe for her and if I am honest not so much for me either.

I always wanted a family and a lifestyle like I imagined other people had. I love visually beautiful things and I have spent my life improving on what is and tweaking constantly until everything is just right.  I wanted everything to be perfect that day the food the decorations I was all in.  Looking back my partner was probably not all in and was just going along which was what always worked for us.

In the beginning I did think that we were so much a like but really I was having myself reflected back to me. I did see this later on and tried to force the issue by asking for opinions and not getting them - only to end up frustrated and just doing my own thing.  I am strong willed and I know it so I am always careful to not run over other people when decisions are being made. It is true though that when no one in a group will make a decision I am willing to step up and make it.

I am a reluctant leader you could say which makes me a good at what I do. I listen to see what ideas people have and what they are thinking they want and then I work to bring them to life. In the end I want everyone to be happy and the dream in their head to come alive. 

Anyway when mind starts reminiscing about how I had the perfect life and now I have nothing I have to just stop myself. I have a choice to follow those thoughts down a sad negative path and pretend the past was so much better than it really was or I can just say no. I have a tendency to blame myself for everything this gives me control instead of admitting just like millions of other people I was cheated on and it ended the relationship. 

This was a long time ago and it really doesn't matter at this point and isn't something I allow myself to dwell on very often. It is just at holidays I imagine how my life would have been different if I had made different choices.  That doesn't really help does it? I was never happy because I felt alone all those years in my relationships mostly because I chose people that liked what I had to offer. I could take care of them I would create a nice life so they didn't really have to do anything. 

The truth is I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I am being a wife to myself and making myself a comfortable life. I don't need other people to need me in order to feel worthy of being loved. It has taken me this long to learn how to take care of myself and not feel guilty about it. 

I am a very different person than I was when I chose the people in my life. None them would work for me now even if they did magically came back. I am a whole person now and not the needy girl I use to be willing to live with emotionally unavailable people who never consider my needs.

The idea or another relationship isn't off the table if the opportunity arises but with social distancing at this point I could only meet someone delivering something. It could happen but even if it doesn't I will enjoy the life I have created for myself and be grateful I am not stuck in the past even if I occasionally indulge in the "what ifs" Thank God I can catch myself before it ruins my 3 day weekend.