I slept in way too long which means I have some pretty crazy dreams that usually force me to get up. This week was super busy and I worked a lot of extra hours. When I do this it feels like I am missing out on the joy every day can bring.
It takes me back to a time when I missed big chunks of my life focusing on just getting through one crisis after another. I thought this was normal and maybe it is for a lot of people. For me I remember scenes from these times, usually not happy ones, but I don't really remember actually participating.
I wonder if I got this from my own mother who stayed busy and never ever really rested. My sister is like this too and has had some serious health scares. I think sometimes we think if we stop running then whatever is chasing us and will eat us alive. I am not like that now and it feels more natural to be at peace than to be running so fast. Growing up it was one crisis after another and this feels normal to us.
I was telling my hairdresser last weekend that I was writing about my childhood and didn't really remember but one intimate moment with my mother. I also said that I thought we were more like a job to her and of course raising a family is a full time job but I really didn't connect with her unless I was in trouble.
The moment occurred when she drug me out of church for making too much noise to give me a whipping. We exited through a door between the old sanctuary and the new one and after the whipping we got locked out. We couldn't get in or out and had to wait until church was over which was a long time. She was so mad at first but then she started laughing giving me the signal to laugh too. I remember being big but not too big for her to hold me on her hip.
My hairdresser said to me "I think I do that. I don't see my girls as little people that I can get to know. I am too busy doing my parenting job to really see them." I was happy that sharing my experience might change the way she sees her kids. Just like me they want to be seen sometimes when they are not being just managed or in trouble.
My mother was amazing and dedicated her life to helping other people. She knew when she got sick that she had to prepare us for taking care of ourselves but she also taught us that other people especially family was more important than your own needs or even our health. She was closer with my sister since she was four years older than me and had more time with her. Her story is different than mine.
I have learned the hard way that it is important to take care of yourself first so you have something left for the people you love. It isn't the responsibility of others to see that you need taking care of everyone is too wrapped up in their own problems.
Today I know when I need to slow it down and after a lifetime I have come to appreciate what I bring to the table. I can now do what I need to do to take care of myself instead of the years I spent exhausted waiting for someone to notice that I had needs too. I am stronger than ever and happier too. I am not too busy to enjoy what everyday brings.
I
No comments:
Post a Comment