Controlling my ADD and OCD - Being enough - You bother me too

 I have had an up and down week - really up on Thursday afternoon when I worked on straightening out my new studio room.  Because I am ADD with a little OCD  mixed in I can spend a lot of time getting ready to do something. Organizing is my thing and getting everything just right is my game.  What happens when I do get it right my mind wants to constantly tweak it over and over. 

This makes me an excellent designer and I have an eye to get everything just right. Unfortunately when I am trying to accomplish a task the actually task never gets done. Always in a state of preparing for something not doing the thing.  After a lifetime of living with this I just make myself dive in and start working even if it is in a heap of mess on my desk. I just focus on the task and stay with it until I am finished. Blocking out my surroundings.

I did take the afternoon to organized and sort through all the stuff I have carried from other rooms to the studio.  I had a ladder in there with a bunch of tools where I replaced the ceiling fan last week with a 2 x 2 flush mount led light with 5000k bulbs.  The problem with getting older is there is not enough light ever. Now I am able to see perfectly with the daylight bulb.

I have been practicing portrait drawings from the 100 faces in 10 day challenge. The challenge is over and I am doing more like 10 faces a week. I have be drawing tiny little faces for some reason which is really different for me. I am using mechanical pens to get the details.

Now for the rest of the down part of the week starting with an angry man yelling at me because the price of what he wanted is higher than what he imagined. This is my world with pricing and the expectation of others. Usually it isn't the in my face kind of reaction - no mask either. 

The week went on and Wednesday without knowing it I was exposed to Covid by a coworker. He had it before but has never worn a mask. It is rare that we interact but he came into the office where I was talking to someone else.  It was Friday afternoon before I found out I had been exposed. I have been vaccinated and hope that between that and my excellent immune system I will be fine.  I exposed my customer on Friday they were not wearing mask. 

It is tricky out there because all this is so complicated for the brain. We just want a clear choice and we want to just dig in to one thing.  We were made to make simple choices every day to stay alive. That is how we operate not really weighing 20 options and then carefully deciding what is the right one. This is why we only listen to people that agree with us or even look like us because that is the way we are wired. 

I just heard a scientist say for someone to change a childhood core belief it takes 2 years. It isn't fun to be the person questioning their beliefs.  I have spent my whole life analyzing the beliefs I have in my head and figuring out where they came from and whether they serve me now as an adult. 

I know too much now to accept the status quo. I have done too much digging and now I can no longer live in a fairy tale. Being awake hasn't made me happier but it is too late to go back now. I am peaceful and happy most of the time. I accept people where they are unless they are in my face or in my space and then I will stand up for myself. 

No one really knows how they appear to other people especially me.  I have worried about this all my life because I am not everyone's cup of tea an acquired taste one so called friend said. Since I have found happiness in my own solitude I have stop really worrying about it. This has felt like real freedom to me.  I have always felt like I was a bother to people in some way. Now I say - so what! They bother me a lot of times too so I am over it. 

This is what birthdays do to you they tell you - your time is running out so you better get on with it so I am doing art and loving it.  I am pretending I am in school and practicing every day and watching videos about art.

I woke up today tired and a little cranky my new neighbors are having celebrations every Saturday night on their back porch. It was going on until after 1 am.  It is just talking but we live on a small ravine with water and it echos. No music just loud voices of discussion. I am sure they have no idea how loud they sound.  When I had meditation groups on my porch I would say "don't say anything here that you don't want the whole neighborhood to hear."  This is what happens with sound and water. 

I feel better after writing so I am off to do a few chores and some art. 

It feels so weird - Seeing for the first time

I never really realized that my life has really been my work until now.  Since we haven't been very busy I have had a lot of time to see what it would be like not to work.  I will say not to work in a driven fashion even during the recession when there wasn't any work I still spent all my free time trying to get work living at the office scheming on how to bring in more business.

This is different because it isn't a crisis unless I make it one.  I am getting an opportunity to work to live instead of live to work.  What it would be like to not work 50-60 hours a weeks.  My mind at first was very unhappy very restless looking for a crisis of any kind to get it's teeth in.  Perusing the past for anything that would make me feel insecure or critical about myself and decisions that got me where I am today.  The kind of loop that I can get into easily when I need to fill time and I am restless.

I have been reading Dr. Amen book on healing ADD and the seven types.  I could identify with two one with the loop of bad thoughts the other the "I am bored" mantra. He gives examples and then combinations of natural supplements or pharmaceuticals that he has used with success with his patients. 

I have started taking a couple of different things.  Not really long enough for them to make a difference but I do think that the Keto diet has already geared me toward better nutrition and better mental function. His book does address the alcoholic brain and adult children of alcoholics.

This is beyond belief to me that my emotional patterns are caused by the composition of my brain and that there is something other than talk therapy that can help.  Sure meds have been an option for a long time but combinations of diet exercise and amino acids as an option is something different.  He said that they doctors are lumping all ADD together and prescribing the same thing for everyone.  Which actually make some people worse given the part of the brain affected.

I have avoided medication because the people I know that have been on it don't seem any better and they usually go through a bunch of different ones.  I like the idea of using the brain scan to determine what part of the brain has been shows up a problem.  We all can't get brain scans but we can see ourselves in the different patients he describes.

It is nice not being a slave to my emotions and really feeling so clear and less fearful.  The better I eat the better I feel  This might seem logical but when your mind is acting out you don't really make good choices about food or anything else really.  For me it seems everything is blown out of proportion and I am just surviving.

I am not sure this will count as related to recovery but it is where I am now.  I feel like I am seeing for the first time not just surviving. It feels so weird.

Could it be the food? - My sweet tooth

I have always believed that with help you can talk yourself through most emotional problems and that it is your core belief system and personal distorted ideas about things that really hold you back. We are so sure that our thoughts are the truth and rarely do we challenge those beliefs. 

We look for people that agree with us and stick close to them limiting any feedback that might poke holes in our own rigid ideas. This keeps everyone in the same place and feeling self-righteous and dismissing all other possibilities. But what if something else is contributing to the way we think.  Could the food we eat affect the way we think?

I had some recent blood test that indicated that I am borderline diabetic. With that news I went out and bought 3 books on Autoimmune diseases - Hashimoto's disease - diabetes. While reading I came across a chapter about the effects of thyroid disease on the emotions. Almost word for word describing my on thoughts and my lack of interest in things that use to excite me.  Almost and indifference. Could my eating habits and my thyroid be causing this?

There is so much conflicting information about autoimmune diseases as well as diabetes but almost everyone agrees that sugar is the Satan of all foods. I know that no matter what I will not be able to continue to use sugar for escape when life becomes too much.  I remember as a kid going to some extreme lengths to find sugar in my house after my own mother decided we had to give it up.

I had been diagnosed with ADD and the school wanted my parents to put me on Ritalin.  This was the early 70's. I had trouble concentrating and spent a lot time standing in the hall outside my classroom. I was disruptive and they wanted a solution.  Just like me my mother did some research and found that studies showed that eliminating sugar from the diets of children calmed them down.

I remember this time period well because I loved sugar.  Even before this time I would steal my sister's Easy Bake Oven icing mixes and eat them out of the box hiding behind the couch. Chocolate was out too and my mom substituted carob for chocolate and ruined a lot of good recipes.  I decided to spend more time at my friend's house scoping other sources of sugar. Sugar is a physical craving even though just yesterday I heard a doctor on You Tube say otherwise.  

When my mother got cancer the sugar famine at my house ended. My parents were focused on her diet and we spent hours at the hospital drinking as many sodas as we wanted. With my dad in charge we were left to fend for ourselves and we gave a list of what we wanted to whoever was grocery shopping for us. I was eight when this began so you can imagine Coke was at the top of the list.

My mother wasn't in the hospital all of the time but when she was home they were focused on the macrobiotic diet still used by cancer patients today.  My parents weren't hippies, but even before she got sick, we ate mostly vegetables that were organically grown by my dad in the back yard of our suburban home. We were taught that your body is your temple and God expects you to treat it that way.  

I did get my present eating habits from them.  I don't eat processed food and make my meals from scratch. It is no big deal to me since it is all I have ever known.  I even have controlled my sweet tooth except in the worst of times.

When I was reading the paragraph about thyroid disease and thoughts people were having. How some had lost interest in things they loved a generally had an apathy for life it was almost word for word what have thought. During my meltdown I didn't really eat and when I did it was sugar I wasn't sure if I wanted to live so diet wasn't at the top of my list.

Just a side note.  The body processes sugar in the liver the same way it processes alcohol. There is an epidemic of non-alcohol fatty liver disease right even in children. The experts say it is from soda and hidden sugar in processed foods.

The past few weeks I have been contemplating what I am willing to change about my eating habits. Can I totally give up sugar, wheat and dairy.  Not likely in the long run given my history.

I did think that if I never felt apathy for life again would that be enough of a prize to at least consider it. The answer is yes so I am just trying it out - no sugar, dairy or wheat. I have been watching my eating since I got my test results. I already do feel better mentally and physically and I have lost 5lbs.

Overall I eat like my parents taught me to eat even if I use sugar in time of stress or boredom. I never imagined that it could be affecting my thoughts.

Ironically the diet I have chosen seems pretty close to the macrobiotic diet my mother was on except with a little more protein. Mom and dad would be pleased.

Spaces - Being alone - stay cation

I took the week of the 4th off.  I decided at the last minute and figured that I had jury duty on Monday and the whole country was off on Tuesday and everyone else could live without me for the three remaining days.  The idea of being on my own for that amount of time up until now terrified me. I am not even that great for a long weekend too much time to think but this week was different.

I didn't plan anything unless you count jury duty which was planned for me.  Luckily they all decided to settle after we waited at the courthouse for a few hours.  We never actually made to the rooms where they question you trying to find out you prejudices. A judge came out and read us parts of the Declaration of Independence to fill our time while the lawyers were trying to settle things. I figure they all had plans for the 4th and just wanted to get out of there. We lucked out.

The theme for my week off was spaces.  I read once when hanging art that each piece should have a certain amount of space around it to let the viewers eyes rest and contemplate on what was in front of them.  This is what I did for the week I left space and time to just float around doing anything that might interest me.

Being a person with ADD in order to accomplish anything I have to stay focused on a specific task and put blinders on to keep the visual (shinny pennies) or auditory (conversation of others) at bay. I start something and I just stay with it until I am finished. It takes me longer sometimes but it works for me not to multi-task and on my best days I get it all done.

My point is the week I was off I just did what every task my mind was interested in even if it was only five minutes. It was pure joy just running from one thing to another without a plan. When I got tired I would sit on the porch and wait for the next urge. I planted - I cleaned - did some art - watch some TV and started a book.  I wasn't a hermit I spent the 4th with a friend - Friday shopping with a friend from work and Sunday hiking with a friend from the past.

It was the best stay cation ever for me.  I had considered going to see my sister but the timing did not fill right for me or for her. In my moments or spaces of contemplation I looked at the big picture of my life and felt happy to be me again.  It feels strange to be a better and stronger person than I was when I started this blog. I was wounded by life and I thought those wounds were permanent but this was a limited perspective. A wounded perspective that only time has healed.

I know there are a lot of people out there suffering like I did and when I meet them I know not to take their actions towards me personally. I don't know what they have endured that has made them who they are today but it has nothing to do with me. I can listen and if I need to I can stand up for myself this keeps resentments at bay. But mostly I can remember what I have been through and know that I haven't always been at my best either and hope they will find peace.

I feel lucky that my sub-conscious mind was always looking for a way out of my paralyzing depression and the years of self help and 12-steps stored there helped me to find my way back.

Today I am seeing the spaces in my life and deciding what I want to fill them with. Each day seems like a promise something to look forward to instead of something to fear. I am so grateful.