I have been in a place of doing some thinking about character defects and wondering whether wanting more is a character defect. A friend of mine would say I think too much and there is nothing to figure out. I would say that dismissing all contemplation is a way of not dealing with what is really going on. Pretending to be happy has never worked for me it.
Act as if, isn't that what we say in the program. I have a problem with that because that is what brought me here in the first place, pretending that everything is fine and going about my business and not paying attention to the reality of my life.
So I am looking for balance, somewhere between that deep hunger for a real purpose in my life and feeling like, what is the point? My search for the holy grail is always just below the surface, it is only when I pile on the distractions that I feel relief from my quest. This is who I am, the wanting more part, being fully engaged and working towards the greater good. My character defect is that I am never satisfied with what is, I always can see what could be.
I watched a special on happiness last night and they said that humans have a capacity to adapt to anything unless they feel they have some control over the situation. If they accepted the situation as out of their control they could move on and be happy but as long as they felt something could or should be done about it they were stuck.
So to me peace is in acceptance of what is and this goes against my natural approach to life. I think this is why I stay stuck is my lack of acceptance and my inability to lean into life when things aren't going my way. I think it is my responsibility to do something which makes me feel pressure.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Words said and un-said
I had dinner with a friend in the program yesterday and a lot of heavy things came up for us both. I don't feel like I am really in a place to help any one right now, because I have taken a time out from my personal life including the program, but the emotions that surfaced yesterday made me realize that experience of others is a great teacher.
She was talking about some of the mistakes she made with her oldest daughter and how she openly favored her youngest daughter because she was easier to manage. This bought up my own experience of not being important to my family and how clueless we can be about the effects we have on others.
We all have experienced pain and have inflicted pain either with our words or lack of words and sometimes in our actions or lack of action. So what can be done to rectify the situation sometimes when decades have passed? How can we find a way to make amends and to forgive ourselves for things that we did knowingly or unknowingly?
Acknowledging what we have done is part of the 4th step inventory and part of the process of forgiving ourselves and realizing we were humans and as humans we weren't just victims but victimized others. This is why making amends has its on step and the key to healing our own wounds and the wounds of others. It was hard for me to accept that I wasn't just a victim but that my controlling angry sharp tongue had hurt the one person in my life I was trying to bring closer, at that time my husband.
Having empathy for others was something I didn't really know existed when I arrived in the program. I thought everyone should just suck it up because that was my experience. No one cut me any slack and I managed. My thinking was brutal towards myself and towards others. They needed to just get their act together. I really needed that first inventory to see how I also had done harm to others and start the healing process for myself.
About the unsaid, I waited my entire life for my father to acknowledge that he hurt me or worse ignored my existence and those words never came. He told my sister that he wished he had done things differently. Hearing those word would have made a huge difference to me without the words I spent my life speculating and not knowing and believing that I didn't really mean that much to him.
Before he died I did meet with him briefly to try to understand where he was coming from and what I got from that meeting was that he did love me. I also realized he wasn't capable of putting that emotion out on the table. So the words were left unsaid but I got what I needed in the realization he was also a victim and human.
I still have problems and realize that this is a journey without a real destination. I can only be who I am today and hope with the help of Step 10 that I don't get too far behind.
She was talking about some of the mistakes she made with her oldest daughter and how she openly favored her youngest daughter because she was easier to manage. This bought up my own experience of not being important to my family and how clueless we can be about the effects we have on others.
We all have experienced pain and have inflicted pain either with our words or lack of words and sometimes in our actions or lack of action. So what can be done to rectify the situation sometimes when decades have passed? How can we find a way to make amends and to forgive ourselves for things that we did knowingly or unknowingly?
Acknowledging what we have done is part of the 4th step inventory and part of the process of forgiving ourselves and realizing we were humans and as humans we weren't just victims but victimized others. This is why making amends has its on step and the key to healing our own wounds and the wounds of others. It was hard for me to accept that I wasn't just a victim but that my controlling angry sharp tongue had hurt the one person in my life I was trying to bring closer, at that time my husband.
Having empathy for others was something I didn't really know existed when I arrived in the program. I thought everyone should just suck it up because that was my experience. No one cut me any slack and I managed. My thinking was brutal towards myself and towards others. They needed to just get their act together. I really needed that first inventory to see how I also had done harm to others and start the healing process for myself.
About the unsaid, I waited my entire life for my father to acknowledge that he hurt me or worse ignored my existence and those words never came. He told my sister that he wished he had done things differently. Hearing those word would have made a huge difference to me without the words I spent my life speculating and not knowing and believing that I didn't really mean that much to him.
Before he died I did meet with him briefly to try to understand where he was coming from and what I got from that meeting was that he did love me. I also realized he wasn't capable of putting that emotion out on the table. So the words were left unsaid but I got what I needed in the realization he was also a victim and human.
I still have problems and realize that this is a journey without a real destination. I can only be who I am today and hope with the help of Step 10 that I don't get too far behind.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Step Four
Step Four- Made a searching an fearless inventory of ourselves.
I have done a couple of 4 th steps and someone ask me recently to do a 4 th step with them and I had to think about what that really means. In the meetings it sounds so scary, some dreaded leap into the unknown, who knows what will happen after that.
I was lucky my first sponsor was more like I am now, no rigid rules or leaps in the dark. Just the fact that we say work the 4 th step tells you something. It is my opinion that our number one character defect is that we think anything worthwhile must be difficult. It is why we envy those in the other program that want to just make everything fun. Life is not fun we only feel validated when we have done the work.
So the 4Th step is just one more thing to beat ourselves up over. I have to do my 4th step, I have to do it perfectly and it has to be scary. This why it is scary. For me the first time I didn't have the energy to add one more difficult thing to my to do list. So my sponsor told me to write my story.
So I wrote all the details of all the wrongs that had been done to me and then we talked about. What my part in the story was and whether I had any control over what happened. Some things I did and some things I didn't. I read it years later and realized it was from a child's point of view. The 4th step for me is about uncovering our limiting thoughts and beliefs, especially the emotional immaturity (I am still working on that). I am always responsible but not always mature.
The second time I used the Blue Print for Progress and re-wrote my story. The book is not inspiring to me and feels very clinical. I think the 4 th step is about taking the mystery out of our defects and seeing that we needed them to get through the painful times in our past. It is also about realizing we aren't just defects we have many assets. I didn't believe that I had any assets in the beginning. The alcoholic would have never left me if there wasn't something wrong with me.
So 4th step work can be like anything else you can make it hard or you can try it a different way. There is no right or wrong way to do it, take what you like and leave the rest.
I have done a couple of 4 th steps and someone ask me recently to do a 4 th step with them and I had to think about what that really means. In the meetings it sounds so scary, some dreaded leap into the unknown, who knows what will happen after that.
I was lucky my first sponsor was more like I am now, no rigid rules or leaps in the dark. Just the fact that we say work the 4 th step tells you something. It is my opinion that our number one character defect is that we think anything worthwhile must be difficult. It is why we envy those in the other program that want to just make everything fun. Life is not fun we only feel validated when we have done the work.
So the 4Th step is just one more thing to beat ourselves up over. I have to do my 4th step, I have to do it perfectly and it has to be scary. This why it is scary. For me the first time I didn't have the energy to add one more difficult thing to my to do list. So my sponsor told me to write my story.
So I wrote all the details of all the wrongs that had been done to me and then we talked about. What my part in the story was and whether I had any control over what happened. Some things I did and some things I didn't. I read it years later and realized it was from a child's point of view. The 4th step for me is about uncovering our limiting thoughts and beliefs, especially the emotional immaturity (I am still working on that). I am always responsible but not always mature.
The second time I used the Blue Print for Progress and re-wrote my story. The book is not inspiring to me and feels very clinical. I think the 4 th step is about taking the mystery out of our defects and seeing that we needed them to get through the painful times in our past. It is also about realizing we aren't just defects we have many assets. I didn't believe that I had any assets in the beginning. The alcoholic would have never left me if there wasn't something wrong with me.
So 4th step work can be like anything else you can make it hard or you can try it a different way. There is no right or wrong way to do it, take what you like and leave the rest.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Everything Changes In A Moment
Life can change in a moment and an ordinary day can change your life forever. People die, people leave, people say words that in that moment change everything and nothing can be done to undo what has been said. First you dig in try to hold on live in denial but the damage has been done. The moment has passed and nothing will ever be the same and what you do next makes little difference. Getting through the pain is all that you can focus on and nothing else matters.
While watching my favorite part of Forrest Gump tonight, the part where he is devastated by Jenny leaving and he starts running, I could always relate to wanting to run and keep running. He runs for 3 years, 2 months, 14 days and 16 hours. I can now relate to the part where he just stops and says he is tired and wants to go home.
I have been running for 2 years, 9 months and 3 days and now I have stopped. I am tired and ready to go home. It's not where I thought I would be it is a different home but is my home. I haven't been comfortable in my own skin for a long time and thought I would never feel like myself again but suddenly I feel good again. I have recently discovered when you stop running nothing really scary happens.
So if you have a devastating moment and your life changes forever it doesn't really matter what you do and if you decide to run at some point you'll be ready to come home.
While watching my favorite part of Forrest Gump tonight, the part where he is devastated by Jenny leaving and he starts running, I could always relate to wanting to run and keep running. He runs for 3 years, 2 months, 14 days and 16 hours. I can now relate to the part where he just stops and says he is tired and wants to go home.
I have been running for 2 years, 9 months and 3 days and now I have stopped. I am tired and ready to go home. It's not where I thought I would be it is a different home but is my home. I haven't been comfortable in my own skin for a long time and thought I would never feel like myself again but suddenly I feel good again. I have recently discovered when you stop running nothing really scary happens.
So if you have a devastating moment and your life changes forever it doesn't really matter what you do and if you decide to run at some point you'll be ready to come home.
Introvert Seeking Silience-A Zen Moment
I am standing on my own these days and my need to find the truth has given way to just making a living and addressing what is in front of me today.
I am in the office today alone my partner in crime is in Texas and it is especially quiet. I have a number of things that I should be doing and will probably be here late today. I decided that writing might help me to move forward and so here I am writing.
My head has been unusually quiet and without the analytical voices in my head I have been able to get some rest. It feels strange to focus on my work and put everything I have into one thing. I picked up a magazine at my counselors office and there was a long article on introverts and it talked about the very thing I am experiencing now. The Zen of focusing on one thing and how having a goal or objective gives the introvert mind a way to rest. Extroverts on the other hand don't really need the same kind of break. They get rest from outside stimulation and sometimes thrill seeking.
The article did say that introverts make up 50% of the population but aren't easily recognized and are sometimes labeled as shy. Introverts are not shy but internalize information and then form conclusion. Making it seem like we are slow compared to our extrovert counter parts. We are half the population going against the extrovert tide. In America we have a society based on stimulation. It said some there are countries more geared toward introverted thinking. It mentioned how here we tolerate loud music in stores and restaurants and don't realize that it is tool to disorient us to shop and eat mindlessly.
So I am not alone in my need for silence and why after a day of customers I need to lay down. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in my quest for peace and that my own internal voice can be silenced for a time.
I am in the office today alone my partner in crime is in Texas and it is especially quiet. I have a number of things that I should be doing and will probably be here late today. I decided that writing might help me to move forward and so here I am writing.
My head has been unusually quiet and without the analytical voices in my head I have been able to get some rest. It feels strange to focus on my work and put everything I have into one thing. I picked up a magazine at my counselors office and there was a long article on introverts and it talked about the very thing I am experiencing now. The Zen of focusing on one thing and how having a goal or objective gives the introvert mind a way to rest. Extroverts on the other hand don't really need the same kind of break. They get rest from outside stimulation and sometimes thrill seeking.
The article did say that introverts make up 50% of the population but aren't easily recognized and are sometimes labeled as shy. Introverts are not shy but internalize information and then form conclusion. Making it seem like we are slow compared to our extrovert counter parts. We are half the population going against the extrovert tide. In America we have a society based on stimulation. It said some there are countries more geared toward introverted thinking. It mentioned how here we tolerate loud music in stores and restaurants and don't realize that it is tool to disorient us to shop and eat mindlessly.
So I am not alone in my need for silence and why after a day of customers I need to lay down. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in my quest for peace and that my own internal voice can be silenced for a time.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Maturity
-Blueprint for Progress
Page 34
Maturity is the growing awareness that you are neither all powerful nor helpless. It could be said to be the knowledge of what is, what might be, and what cannot be. It is not a destination; it is a road. It is the moment when you wake up after some grief or staggering blow and think, "I'm going to live, after all."
Page 31
Maturity is simply being grown up. It is the quality in people which helps them to balance their intellect with their emotions so that their is appropriate. The ability to do the right thing at the right time requires a clear eyed view of a situation and an understanding of human limitations.
I have had these passages hanging on my wall at work for a couple of years and felt that they are appropriate for me right now. I am getting past the grief and focusing on my responsibilities. Grief is like alcoholism cunning, baffling and powerful. It feels like bobbing in water, sometimes I have the energy to stay above the water and then sometimes I am exhausted and let it take me under.
The worst has passed for me it has been a long haul but I lost a lot and I know that now. Someone told me once that I was too trusting and this is true. It is too hard for me to worry about what someone else is doing so when it all blows up in my face it take me a long time to grieve and that is OK. I am the person God made me and I can accept myself.
Today I am moving on and taking care of my grown up responsibilities. I worked through the weekend and came in today on my day off to meet with a client. They were surprised by my ideas and said they didn't think I could come up with any new solutions. I love what I do and that in itself is a true gift.
So here is to being mature for today and getting things done. Grief is powerful and paralyzing and makes me feel I a will never be the same. When it lifts nothing really seems like a big deal and I wonder why I procrastinated for so long. This is how I know that it is grief.
Page 34
Maturity is the growing awareness that you are neither all powerful nor helpless. It could be said to be the knowledge of what is, what might be, and what cannot be. It is not a destination; it is a road. It is the moment when you wake up after some grief or staggering blow and think, "I'm going to live, after all."
Page 31
Maturity is simply being grown up. It is the quality in people which helps them to balance their intellect with their emotions so that their is appropriate. The ability to do the right thing at the right time requires a clear eyed view of a situation and an understanding of human limitations.
I have had these passages hanging on my wall at work for a couple of years and felt that they are appropriate for me right now. I am getting past the grief and focusing on my responsibilities. Grief is like alcoholism cunning, baffling and powerful. It feels like bobbing in water, sometimes I have the energy to stay above the water and then sometimes I am exhausted and let it take me under.
The worst has passed for me it has been a long haul but I lost a lot and I know that now. Someone told me once that I was too trusting and this is true. It is too hard for me to worry about what someone else is doing so when it all blows up in my face it take me a long time to grieve and that is OK. I am the person God made me and I can accept myself.
Today I am moving on and taking care of my grown up responsibilities. I worked through the weekend and came in today on my day off to meet with a client. They were surprised by my ideas and said they didn't think I could come up with any new solutions. I love what I do and that in itself is a true gift.
So here is to being mature for today and getting things done. Grief is powerful and paralyzing and makes me feel I a will never be the same. When it lifts nothing really seems like a big deal and I wonder why I procrastinated for so long. This is how I know that it is grief.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Watching Too Much TV
I am from the first real generation of kids raised on TV. My first recollection of TV was a really scary Vincent Price horror movie when I was about 4. My mom had left the TV on while she was cleaning house and even though I had never ending nightmares after that, I was really hooked.
In our house my mom was the strict disciplinarian and my father was passive and really served as vocal back up. So we had rules about how much TV we could watch and we could pick one hour of shows a day. I agonized over which ones and would try to negotiate more time with chores or give various elaborate justifications for why I should have more time. This never worked and I had to settle for just two shows.
When she got sick we spent most of our time in hospital waiting room and watched a lot of TV and drank lots of soda. The TV was my friend and kept me busy while the life I thought I could count on slipped away. Towards the end and after she was gone I watched sometimes six hours or more of TV when I got home from school.
I hear people talk about how much time kids spend in front of a screen of some kind today and how they are being ruined by that and I think about all the time I spent there. Even now when I use TV to occupy me, soothe me and kill time when I want to escape. I do get bored with it sometimes but it is still my friend and with TIVO I can watch my favorite shows any time and more efficiently.
So tonight I am policing myself and have turned the tube off to spend time in front of another screen. So maybe the damage was permanent.
In our house my mom was the strict disciplinarian and my father was passive and really served as vocal back up. So we had rules about how much TV we could watch and we could pick one hour of shows a day. I agonized over which ones and would try to negotiate more time with chores or give various elaborate justifications for why I should have more time. This never worked and I had to settle for just two shows.
When she got sick we spent most of our time in hospital waiting room and watched a lot of TV and drank lots of soda. The TV was my friend and kept me busy while the life I thought I could count on slipped away. Towards the end and after she was gone I watched sometimes six hours or more of TV when I got home from school.
I hear people talk about how much time kids spend in front of a screen of some kind today and how they are being ruined by that and I think about all the time I spent there. Even now when I use TV to occupy me, soothe me and kill time when I want to escape. I do get bored with it sometimes but it is still my friend and with TIVO I can watch my favorite shows any time and more efficiently.
So tonight I am policing myself and have turned the tube off to spend time in front of another screen. So maybe the damage was permanent.
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