Anxious to feel different

I have experienced drastic change within myself since coming into the program. I choose to deny the fact that in order for change to occur there has to be some sort of pain prior to the growth. I have to deny it because if I accepted this I would not want growth. The times of greatest spiritual awakenings were preceded by some of the most painful times of my life. I am good in the first stage “shock and awe” give me a crisis and I can move in and make things happen. I can move mountains but when the dust settles I am there alone with my emotions and doubts and I am terrified. This is when I try what worked for me in the past, staying busy getting into the lives of others but nothing sooths the rising fear and doubt. So I must wait for the shift that ultimate comes and until that happens I am anxious to feel different. This is when I am at my most vulnerable waiting for God. It feels like I will never feel like myself again and this is true. I will never be the same and when the change comes and the truth is revealed I easily forget the pain that seemed like it would never end. Today I know I nearing the end of this cycle of pain and growth but I am not there yet.

The truth about writing

I have done a lot of writing recently but not anything I would want to be public. Journaling is one of the fastest ways to get to the real issue behind whatever current pain that I am suffering. When I am in denial I avoid writing pretty much completely I literally have gone years without my first love because secretly I knew that the truth would surface and I was not ready for it. If I am honest in my writing and get past the part about what I did today I can really make progress. The ugliness of my fear spills out onto the page and I am done with it for the moment and sometimes for good. So I have made a lot of progress this week and for that I am grateful.

Breaking the Rules

Today while driving to work I got behind the recycle truck on a single lane road and they were stopping every few minutes and it was too busy to pass so I waited. It reminded me of a time I was in a car with someone when the same thing happened and I went around. He couldn’t believe that I was passing on a double line and breaking the rules. It was a slow morning and perfectly safe and besides the road we were on had about 50 houses on it we would have been there for hours.

This reminded me of how rigid I was before I started the recovery process. How I wouldn’t trust my own judgment or think outside the box. With the program everything is suggested and this leaves a lot to interpretation and that can be scary in the beginning. We want to be safe and be sure that every decision we make is the right one and that is impossible. Sometimes we are going to be right and sometimes things will not turn out as we expected. Making choices for ourselves is part of our growth and realizing that we always do our best is all we can do. Taking responsibility for our own lives can bring back the insecurities of the past and the mistakes we have made but we are more equipped now to do what is right for us and accept the outcome.

So today I waited for the recycle truck to pick up a few loads and it gave me time to think about writing today so it was the right choice for me today. Rules are for our protection and can’t always cover every possible scenario so I have to use my own judgment and trust that I am capable of making the right choices for me today.

Fishing

A wise person said to me yesterday that I am fishing in the same pond and not catching a thing and eventually I will stop fishing there. Waiting for someone to change is what I have done all my life. I think if I am patient that ultimately I will get what I want. Patience is a virtue, right? How much time have I got? I have got to realize that without a crystal ball I don’t know if someone will ever change or for that matter wants to or should.

So just for today I am in search of a new fishing hole. I can still go back to the old and familiar one if I want to but just for today I can expand my horizon and look for other possibilities.

Rejection

We all have faced rejection in our lives. The first time is usually early on in life. I remember the first serious rejection for me was when these two girls in my neighborhood were best friends and when the got into a fight one or the other would want to be my best friend. You can see where this is going, can’t you. Well I wanted to be special and fit in and it always turned out the same way. I did finally figure it out, that it wasn’t about me. This was agonizing for my mom to watch but eventually we both got over it.

I think that those early rejections were pretty painful and made me very sensitive to the pain of rejection. It has made me try to avoid rejecting or being rejected at any cost, not expressing my true feelings accepting mistreatment or even for me the worst just going along without resistance even when I didn’t want to.

Recently I was rejected by a customer. I had worked hard to address some problems they had with my product. In the end they were completely satisfied with the product but decided they didn’t want to work with me on the next project that was even bigger. I was hurt in a way that seemed disproportionate to the situation. After analyzing the situation I realized my pain took me back to other more personal rejections.

I went through the same inventory of my short comings as I did when I was rejected in my personal life. Did I do everything I could? Did I anticipate all their needs? What is it about me that isn’t good enough? It isn’t always personal. Sometimes you can’t be what the other person wants you to be without compromising who you are and sometimes it doesn’t matter what you do, things are as they are, regardless.

Finding time for peace

I had a business appointment today which made me drive by my favorite outdoor meditation place. Unfortunately I did not have time to stop today and it is extremely cold but it did make realize the beauty that is put before us each day. It is difficult for me sometimes to see what is offered to me as gift. If only I could acknowledge the beauty by being present every day. Today I was paying attention and found peace.

Nuts from the past

Sometimes the feelings we have have nothing to do with the present circumstances of our life. We store some lost memory and something brings it to the surface and we associate it with the present.

My friend gave me big bag of unshelled pecans a week ago and I had forgotten them until yesterday. As I started to break the shells a memory of my childhood surfaced. The summer that my mother got sick for the first time was during a trip to South Georgia. We were visiting a 2nd cousin and they had a huge pecan grove. It was a fun trip even though there was some sort of tension in their house and later I found out it was alcoholism. Their boys were teenagers and very fun. They talked us into riding horses. It was the first and last time I was ever on a horse. My sister’s horse acted up and she fell off and I decided at that point they were dangerous. It was fun and when we left they gave us a big bag of pecans.

On the way home we shelled and ate pecans until we burst. My mother got so sick when we got back to Atlanta we took her to the hospital. This is when they discovered she had colon cancer. I haven’t thought about that summer in a long time or the association with pecans and my mother’s illness but life is uncertain and memories can be a source of healing.

What’s new?

I feel compelled to write something about the New Year today and no specific thoughts have come up as yet. What is new in my life everything and nothing. I have experienced a lot of change in my physical world and my spiritual world. I see things from a different perspective today than I did a year ago. There has been an evolution of sorts and what I thought was important to me has been altered considerably and sometimes I feel like I am viewing my life from a distance and that is ok. Too many times in the past I got so enmeshed in my feelings and the details of my life that I could see when I had lost my way.

This year my circle of spiritual partners have grown and I have found a place of peace only after giving up and sitting in a place of pain that I thought would last forever. I have seen miracles this year and gladly watched the spiritual growth of people in the program. I have also watched helplessly while others struggled to find their way. I know that we are each have to find own way and with support we can find peace.

I know that the coming year will bring more changes and more growth but I feel positive and know that nothing ever stays the same so I have to roll with it.