My turkey companion - Finding Peace

Today I was getting ready to blow the leaves off in my driveway when a turkey wandered into my yard. Now I am not in a rural setting where friendly wildlife is an everyday occurrence. I decided to sweep instead of using the blower. He or she stayed out there with me for an hour standing within one foot of me. The closer I swept to her the closer she came to me. 

I thought this was amazing to have a companion while doing my chores. She had no fear and walked through my pile of leaves kicking them around. I felt at total peace the whole time seeing the true miracle of life and survival even in an ordinary subdivision where the houses are built ten feet apart. 

It ended when a woman who walks the neighborhood interrupted us she didn't even see the bird until I pointed her out.   While we were talking the bird disappeared as if she was never there. 

My holiday has been long and I wrote a few post but lost interest before actually posting them.  I have been a little low "tis the season" but I am not complaining. I have to grab the time off when customers aren't looking for me so I am grateful even if it leaves me with a lot of time in my head. 

Today I am finishing up a lot of final things on my do to list. The weather here is about 20 degrees hotter than normal and all the plants think is is spring and are blooming.  This adds to a world that already feels upside down. You can't tell what time of year it is along with the plants.  

I am okay when I just stay in my peaceful place where I just do "the next right thing" it is only when I start wondering about the rest of my life and what I want to fill it with that I get into trouble. I feel stuck and bored and wonder if I am depressed. Does everyone feel this way when they stop long enough to think about where they have been and where they are going?

Sometimes being busy just feels like I am running from something which is what I did for years missing entire decades of my life and the people in it. I want to be awake and live more deliberately.  

I am back at work full on starting tomorrow and I won't have the pain or luxury of time to ruminate over the past.  I am going to make some changes this year getting back out there virus or no virus. I need to find somewhere I can use my talents to make a difference.  My new year's resolution if you want to call it that.  Hope everyone is peaceful and enjoying the hope of a new year. 

A true miracle

A close friend called and ask me to join her for dinner last night. Really her daughter wanted to take a couple of us out to thank us for looking out for her in her absence.

The word absence in this case is an understatement. Her daughter is over 50 and is a recovering addict and alcoholic. She has had three years of sobriety which is a miracle. She has been addicted her entire life and has been in and out treatment since she was a teenager. We really thought she was a lost cause.

When her mother was diagnosed with Parkinson's seven years ago her daughter came to visit and hocked some of her mother's valuables to buy drugs. Her mom thought maybe the seriousness of the situation would bring them closer. It was sad for everyone.

No one knows why the last trip to AA worked for her and her husband. Her mother never gave up and worked her own program especially detaching with love. She encouraged her to call her every week no matter where she was or what condition she was in and promised her she would accept that call without judgement.

We had a long dinner almost three hours. The six of us laughing and talking about nothing important. Everyone there having a program and working it. She was making her amends to us and we were accepting everything as it was at that moment.

There is no guarantees in this world and we all know too well that recovery is one day at a time for all of us. She looked great healthy and happy and I was glad to be a witness to a true miracle.

Man selling his shoes - A way out - Moses

The showroom is in a rather depressed area of town. 40 years ago it was the up and coming area but now it is more industrial and backs up to a large neighborhood.

We have a lot of foot traffic and often have people come by sometimes for hand outs and sometimes for odd jobs. I have never been afraid. Once a guy came in with a staff like Moses and our receptionist quit the next day.

Today a guy came in selling his shoes. He had a big Target bag and said they were pretty nice. He said no one will let him work and that he needed the money. I said I understood but couldn't help him.

He looked a little glazed over and I did feel sad for him but I didn't give him money. I have on occasion given out a few bucks. I am never sure what to do and whether if I give him money will he come back again. This has also happened.

I am alone here today and was expecting a customer when I went to the front. I made a quick decision and decided not to help.

It is easy to dismiss those in need and think drugs and alcohol but as we all know the need starts before the abuse. Some pain so great that escape seems the only answer.

I didn't have an easy childhood but it was easier than a lot of people had. It has taken me quite sometime to get over the past so I can imagine if you had it real bad the odds of getting over it are against you.

I found my own miracle in the program and I have seen miracles happen to others. It saved my life taught me how to unravel my distorted thinking. It made me realize that everything I thought was true was just my own perspective. If I was open to changing my perspective the possibilities were endless.

I had inadvertently labeled myself as broken and unfix able. Everything bad happened to me. This trapped me in my own story of sadness and abuse. I learned I could start over every day and prove that story wrong. I could change my words and eventually change my mind.

I still have problems but I don't accept them as just my lot in life. Everything is temporary and this too shall pass. I don't have to look for someone to blame or even turn that blame on myself. I can take responsibility when it is mine and let the rest go.

I am freer than I have ever been and wish for everyone to find what I have found. A power greater than myself.

Picture by Me

Denial - What I am not ready to see - Step 1

I had a long talk with a family member last night and she is in a predicament. She young and her family has been living under the strains of addiction for most of her life. She wants her mother to at least acknowledge whats happening, but she refuses to admit there is a problem.

As they say and elephant in the room. She has reached an age where she can just choose not to come around anymore. To abandon her efforts and her hopes that that things will change. Her older brother has already made the decision to stay away. It is her mothers denial that makes her the most crazy, not the addiction.

I felt like I had to tread lightly because this is my family. I wanted her to know that addiction and denial go hand in hand and any sudden changes in assigned roles within the family can cause a fire storm. Maintaining an atmosphere where someone can continue to use perpetuates the disease. The habit of buffering someone from the reality of their choices just keeps things the same. If she decides to leave then she has to be prepared for upsetting the dynamics of the family situation.

I understand about denial. I was in denial about my husbands addition and how messed up I was from my own childhood. I was dead inside and didn't feel I deserved to be happy. I attracted my equal someone as self-loathing as I was and we were in misery together. I had been in survival mode since I was eight and it was the only life I knew. It was a perfect fit.

I think sometimes you think if you admit something isn't working then you have to be ready to do something about it. Maybe you just aren't ready to do the work. For me I just thought with time things would work themselves out. In the case of my husband they certainly did he packed his bags and left. Talk about being yanked out of denial.

Denial catches up with you or it kills you slowly from the inside. There is no getting around the what is there whether you acknowledge it or not. It is still there and with addiction it doesn't just go away. Even when someone leaves or you leave it has done the damage long before that happens.

Last night I felt I was listening to a sponsee and not someone so close to me. She is analytical and is sure there is a solution to this family problem. I thought there is where the pain comes from believing you can make people see what you see. Not if they are not ready.

So what is next. She wants an intervention where the whole family goes to counseling and airs all the dirty laundry. You have to actually admit you have dirty laundry for that to work.

I suggested counseling for her, someone with experience with addiction. Someone that isn't easily manipulated by a smooth talker with a quick mind. I said, start with yourself and then you can invite your mom to join you. A true Al-anon cannot resist the invitation to help someone else.

I didn't tell her that getting past thinking you personally can solve someone elses addiction is first step towards saving yourself. Admitted we are powerless... You have to experience this for yourself. I searched for a solution until I was exhausted and someone had the good sense to send me to Al-anon and I had the good sense to listen.

The miracle of giving up and focusing on your own emotional health. It is part of healing and taking the spot light off the person with the addiction. It gives you your life back and that is the true miracle.

Miracles happen sometimes it just takes awhile.

I had my belated birthday dinner with my sponsor last night. We met about 20 years ago when I kept seeing her following me to the meetings. We were instant friends and she never gave me too many rules. She was real patient with me and always positive.

She is still the most uplifting person I have ever met. Even though her home life wasn't too uplifting and her husband spent his evenings standing by his pick up truck drinking beer from a cooler. I guess he didn't think she would catch on after a few decades.

I always really liked him he was a large bearded man with a sand paper personality. Very smart but pretty mad at the world. We always got along because I can be pretty scrappy too when I want to be. He never intimidated me with his mean exterior.

In those days they never went anywhere together. He worked and then stood by the truck most nights. I remember for years she cooked him something and left it on the stove and we went to dinner.

With what she learned in the program she started creating a life of joy for herself. She started traveling the world with friends and let him stay where he was for as long as he wanted to be there.

A few years ago something changed. He stopped drinking and started attending mass each week. Six months ago he started a diet and has lost nearly 100 lbs. This week they joined a gym together.

Last night we all went to dinner together. He talked about love and forgiveness and letting go of past resentments. Living in the moment.

Just writing this has brought tears to my eyes. It is a miracle and one that is a mystery to me and her. When he left the table she said that she has no idea what woke him up. She said it certainly wasn't anything she did. She just lived her life and let him live his. Maybe it was something she did. She let him live his own life.

So miracles do happen. People can get sober without us Al-anons pushing them along. Everyone has to find their own way. It is hard when you love someone to just sit and watch while they destroy themselves. This is why the program works. It says you have to take care of yourself and let the other person do the same.

We want to help someone be somewhere before they are ready. I think when you push people they push back. I know I do. The child in me says I don't want to do it if you want me to. I want it to be my idea not yours.

Just sitting across from him last night I thought wow is this really happening? I am still amazed that even when we give up, God's grace is endless.

Mind over matter - honey

When I was young I was a bed wetter. It was humiliating to have sleep overs at friends. My mother would call and let their mother know to protect the mattress just in case.

They really couldn't figure out why it was happening. I had surgery but nothing changed.

One night my mother came to me with a jar of honey. She said that a spoon full of honey before bed time would prevent any accidents. I loved honey so I was happy to give it a try.

It was a miracle I stopped wetting the bed almost overnight. Was it the honey or the belief in the honey. I think the latter.

Suggestions are powerful and I trusted what my mother said. I still love honey especially mixed into full fat yogurt. It is as good as ice cream and as a bonus keeps me from wetting the bed.

A Little Bird Told Me

I was sitting on my porch on Monday writing in my journal and I wrote I wish my mother was here. She would comfort me and tell me it will be alright and possibly make me a chocolate cake.

About that time a tiny bird flew under the screen door only an inch of space. It bounded across the porch and up on the table where I had my feet propped up. We sat there eye to eye I didn't dare move.

I thought oh no it is going to get trapped and I will have to help it off the porch. In that instant it hopped off the table and went back under the door.

My first thought was God doesn't need my help. The second, thanks mom.

Shutting Down - What's next?

I had big aspirations for yesterday. Getting caught up with work and some household chores, but that didn't happen. I basically shutdown and was paralyzed by all that lay before me, on top of that, I beat myself up for not working on the matter at hand.

This happens to me from time to time the adult in me has specific things that must be accomplished and the child in me says no way it is my day off. This creates and impasse and basically there is no work and there is no fun. Just guilt and frustration. I have looked at this many times and haven't really found a solution for it. I did call my sponsor and she said take the day off.

We talked about the issues with work the denial and my feeling that it is going to be OK even though I don't really know how it is going to work out. We have known each other 20 years and she pointed out the many miracles I have experienced since she has know me. This is true and my fear is caused by me not fully turning my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him. It is not like I have the power to change my circumstances just my attitude.

I decided to watch Oprah and she had evidence of a true miracle. She found out she had a sister that her mother never told her about. The sister had been given up and had lived in foster homes most of her life. She had spent her adult life trying to connect with her birth family, but her birth mother didn't want to meet her. The agency only gave her the information about her siblings birth dates and two of her three siblings were deceased.

One day she saw an interview with Oprah's mom and she talked about her three children two that were deceased and Oprah. They stated the birth dates of all three. Same dates the woman had given her from the agency. She thought that it was crazy to think she could be related to Oprah. She was and because she didn't want Oprah to be hurt by this she went the back channels and it took Oprah two years to here the news. What if she hadn't be watching the interview that day. Divine intervention I think.

Wow, just when you think God forgot about your dream to find your family. You find out your Oprah's sister. They said she looks exactly like the deceased sister who died after a long addiction problem. They even have the same name. Maybe she was spared a life that could have been worse. The family said she was just like the other sister on her best days clean and sober. A miracle really.

So I am having problems trusting God to take care of me. Has he ever let me down before? The answer is no and on my best days I can cruise along unscathed by reality and know that I am not in charge. Other days, my days off it seems, I feel overwhelmed and fearful, paralyzed by the unknown.

I don't feel like that all the time and it didn't help that yesterday my partner called me from work and shared her fears. This is where I start thinking I need to do something to change this. We really need time to work through this and freaking out doesn't add value.

I am at work today and have decided to not take Monday off anymore if only to be here for damage control. I am an expert at damage control but luckily with the program I don't need it for my personal life anymore. It is still an asset in the business world.

Broken Mirrors - Vampires - IRS

I started my day feeling pretty good with the sun streaming in the guest room window, if I ever had guest it would be a guest room. This has never happened before in my house because my bedroom has no windows. This would bother most people but it is great for sleeping. Evil doers love the dark is what my mom would say, I did always want to be a vampire. Hmmm.

It is weird I know but the original master had french doors that opened to the porch and then they converted the porch to a second living room. Which has made a perfect studio for me complete with a wet bar to wash my brushes. What is really weird is that when I moved in they had covered the french doors with floor to ceiling mirrors. You could still see them from the bedroom and they had blinds on them. If you opened the blinds then you saw the back of the mirror. The mirrors were the first to go luckily I don't believe in bad luck because we broke them all.

The day got ugly for awhile when I had to take care of some issues with the IRS. If you are in business for yourself you triple your chances of getting to know the IRS and with me out of my mind and depressed. I prefer one or the other but both will land in a heap of trouble. I had paid everything but the regular business side of the IRS was not telling the threatening your past due side and I was becoming scared with every letter. I called a friend who had experience with this and she said you must get in your car and drive down there. This seemed a little extreme to me but this the final piece to getting back to my right mind, it has been a long time, let me say.

I spent a few hours getting my ducks (paperwork) in a row and decided I would call. I stopped for a moment and spoke to HP and said you know that I know I did this but I could use some help putting things right. I am not asking for leniency just some co-operation. I dialed the number and the wait time was ten minutes. In ten minutes I spoke to Eleanor number XXXXXXXXXX. I explained my situation and she put me on hold and when she came back, she said the money had been posted to the wrong quarter. She did want to go over some other forms I was missing and I agreed to send what she showed was missing. I told her I had been depressed and my paper life had suffered the most and I appreciated her help.

I am embarrassed by all of this especially when I have been a corporate manager in charge of a budget that was in the millions. This is what depression and grief did to me I could not, sort this simple process out, to safe my life. I even took the stuff to a professional and still ended up in trouble.

I couldn't think clearly and when I could, I used that clarity take care of my customers and keep my business afloat. I have been trying to get this done for so long. About three months ago I owed a pretty large amount of taxes for me. I didn't know how I could pay them and still have anything to live on. I said ok HP I am going to write down the things I willing to do and these are the things you need to take care of. My side I wrote housekeeping, seems simple but if your depressed not so simple. That was all I could commit to and on HP's side I wrote money for taxes.

So I started cleaning and taking care of things the way healthy people do and forgot about it. A couple of weeks later I got a check in the mail for exactly the amount I owed. Apparently one of the companies I had sold cabinets for was giving out bonus money for anyone selling their product. It is very high end and I hadn't sold the product until recently so I didn't realize they were giving out these bonuses. So I paid the taxes.

I believe in miracles and today was miracle getting this resolved. I get paralyzed with fear when I can't see a solution. I forget the power of believing in something greater than myself. I also forget that there are no wrong decisions and HP's timing is perfect and even works to include procrastination. I guess I needed more proof that no matter what, it all works out. I will add that not ever the way I might think and not always without suffering.

So I didn't have to get out of my pj's and drive down to the IRS that in itself is worth celebrating. Grateful today and believing in miracles once again.

What’s new?

I feel compelled to write something about the New Year today and no specific thoughts have come up as yet. What is new in my life everything and nothing. I have experienced a lot of change in my physical world and my spiritual world. I see things from a different perspective today than I did a year ago. There has been an evolution of sorts and what I thought was important to me has been altered considerably and sometimes I feel like I am viewing my life from a distance and that is ok. Too many times in the past I got so enmeshed in my feelings and the details of my life that I could see when I had lost my way.

This year my circle of spiritual partners have grown and I have found a place of peace only after giving up and sitting in a place of pain that I thought would last forever. I have seen miracles this year and gladly watched the spiritual growth of people in the program. I have also watched helplessly while others struggled to find their way. I know that we are each have to find own way and with support we can find peace.

I know that the coming year will bring more changes and more growth but I feel positive and know that nothing ever stays the same so I have to roll with it.