Embracing the space - Trusting grace

There is a certain speaker that I just don't enjoy his messages seem staged to me and I usually just turn him off.  Today I randomly stopped and listened and it felt like it was a message just for me.  The topic "embrace the emptiness"

If you believe in something greater than yourself you can be open to hear or see something that seems like it is directed to you at that moment at that time. My experience with the bird this weekend felt like a gift just like today's message felt like a gift.  

I have been struggling with emptiness through the holidays. I have intentionally emptied my life over the years to find peace.  I don't just want to fill every moment just to get through it so I don't feel alone.  I have done that and it makes me feel drained and anxious.

The message today was about space in our lives to let something greater come in. It made me think of myself standing on an empty platform at a train station alone waiting for my train to arrive. I am not anxious I am peaceful knowing that shortly I will be on my way.

I feel my life has been touched by grace.  I have overcome many obstacles and in seemingly impossible situations I have been protected time after time. I know the only credit I can take for that is really just letting go and trusting that I can't do it on my own. I look back today at all the times I felt lost and empty like I have the past few weeks and know it will pass. 

The message was sent to me at just the right moment. Normally I wouldn't be home today or watching anything and again I wouldn't have been open to this particular speaker. I can accept the grace in the words "emptiness is leaving an opening for something greater than what we can imagine".

It feels awkward and for the doer in me I ask myself "what if nothing shows up and you never feel excited or inspired about life again?" Can I trust the emptiness? 

I have been cleaning out my old files at work close to 300 or more files and I have also been purging at home. This has triggered an idea that I am finished with things as they are and I am moving on. This has made me feel panic inside since I don't have a plan but today's message was for me "you don't need a plan just trust the process". 

With the pandemic everything is different we are all different. Our culture of doing seems more empty than ever and we all are just trying to feel like our old selves but that person doesn't exist anymore.  We are forever changed and maybe that is a good thing and sitting with the emptiness is an opportunity to find out what will fill us with new joy. 

    

Forks in the Road - Only time will tell

I have been in a tizzy for a day.  I feel my paths are split and my mind is wanting me to make a decision already and get on with it.  I am resisting but yesterday I lunged towards one decision that I have been toying with for some time now.

The result was not at all what I expected. The result was nothing. Not a word, not a peep nothing to confirm or deny whether it is or is not the right decision.

I find that my logical mind wants to just move along and not wait for God's timing. God takes too long in my opinion. I also know that isn't true when I look back at any part of my life I can see just how perfect the timing was no matter how awful it felt when nothing was going my way.

My indecision is fueled by things just not being ready. I am not ready or the circumstances are not right. I think now it is because my right brain is getting stronger and keeping my left from bulldozing me into just doing something.  All signs point to wait.

If I can take this moment or even this day for just what it is then I have everything I need. If I think of next week or next month or next year then I am impatient and just want to make things happen.

I was broken for a long time and now I am better. My thinking is clearer but I still doubt my abilities and this makes me want to run away.  I got no place to go so running isn't really option.

I can see today what is happening I have to start facing my fears and prove to myself that I have still got it. The time it is taking for me to make decisions is healing time. Part of me thinks that I have been permanently damaged and I will never be the same. The other part knows that this has actually made me stronger than ever.  Not the same but a better version of myself.

It is true that I don't really know who I am exactly, but I have to be okay with that.  I know that I am not the person I was so everything feels like new territory. Each fear I face is one step closer to discovering who I am now.

A New Heart - Waiting

My Zoo Picture

Why is it that spiritual awakenings come so slow. Just when you think that nothing will ever feel good again then poof it happens. You get a new heart. The clouds start to move aways and suddenly you start to see all the possibilities instead of all the negative outcomes.

I read Hyperbole and a Half blog it is a cartoon about her depression and I was shocked how it was exactly how I have been feeling about my life.  Actually the problem was I had no feelings at all about my life and I just wanted it to end. I couldn't even imagine living another 30 or 40 years in a state of no feelings.

Then suddenly something happen what ever part of my brain was controlling that lack of feeling started to thaw. I know this because the tears started to come without warning. Not tears of sorrow just random tears and at random times. At first I didn't think this was such a good thing but I couldn't really do much about it.

What I have learned over the past five years is that waiting won't kill you even if you wish it would. I have been waiting for God to work in my life for what really does seem like an eternity. When this started I felt abandoned by God and betrayed by my own inner self. When I reached down deep, as I had many times before, the strength and determination to go on just wasn't there.

I had been abandoned by own self. There was nothing there not a shred of evidence that the person I was even existed any more.  I went through the motions of what I thought was expected of me even when inside I felt nothing. Most people ran away if they could and the rest of the people I tried to get rid of myself. Being with other people, actually experiencing feelings, was too painful. Those that thought life was worth living were just plain annoying.

I saw an old friend at a party yesterday. I told him I was finally back to wanting to live again he ask me how I came back. I said I wasn't sure.

It was a time of death for me. The death of every idea I had about myself and the death of my identity as a victim of my life. I thought life was about suffering through your experiences and sharing those stories with other people. Look at my scar this happen when fill in the blank. The scar isn't real unless we want it to be real we keep it alive because today isn't good enough for us. We keep it alive because the memory even though painful keeps us alive. Without it who are we really? Just a person looking for something to do today.

I am learning to face today just as it is even though it might not be as colorful as the past or as glamorous as my pretend future might be but it is more real than either one. This is what waiting has taught me.

In a meditation this week the author of the book I am reading ask that you imagine a sacred place and imagine a guide appears and gives you a box with a gift. In my mind a black panther with sleek shiny fur appeared. He silently showed me the box. I wasn't too pleased at first it was a Styrofoam cooler. I am a designer you know. I opened the cooler and inside was a real human heart in perfect condition. At first I didn't get it and then I picked it up and laid it on my chest and it disappeared inside me.

My heart is healed and the waiting has been productive even though extremely painful
. Everything is just as it should be and I am finally free.

I go straight to crazy and work my way back from there.

I had a long day yesterday obsessing about the work situation and feeling like my life is on hold. I decided to just go with it this time instead of trying all my usual tricks to get out of it.

I have learned that there is no bad feelings just feelings that make you feel bad. They only feel really bad when I resist them by saying to myself that I shouldn't be feeling this way or that I am wasting my life.

That is what it is like to be awake without the barrier of denial to protect me from all my feelings. Sometimes I long for the days when I was unconscious running from task to task filling up every moment so I didn't have to feel anything.

This doesn't work me anymore. My journey has taken me to a deeper place where I am seeing what it is like to just lean into those feelings. Being OK with being human and vulnerable.

I stayed in bed most of the day and it didn't kill me. I am scared and alone and no matter how many people I talk to about it they can't make me feel any better and it tires me out to talk about it over and over.

It is normal to be scared and afraid when uncertainty is looming over your head. I have been told that I handle uncertainty pretty well but every once in awhile I have a total freak out.

I am over it today and decided to go to work and wait for the verdict. It is almost
6 PM and we haven't heard a thing.

I have gone straight to crazy and have worked my way back from there at this point. I can't stay in the fear place too long and I must gather my belonging and leave Crazyville and get on with my life.

Step 6 - I can see my horse?

I went briefly to the dark side yesterday. I was off and had a small job installing yesterday morning and they had a lot of issues. I jumped through a few hoops and solved the immediate crisis but could see the small profit we were going to make going down the drain.

I want so badly for something to go right and move out of this cycling negativity. I want get back up on the horse and start riding but my horse is a little skittish. Just when I think he is ready he takes off.

Should I get different horse or do I need two horses? This is the dilemma for me when fear over takes me and I crawl literally back in my bed and pull the covers over my head, like I did yesterday. My ability to move forward comes to a screeching halt. I am paralyzed.

Something happen that I thought might shed some light on my fear. While writing in my journal I decided to write out the steps. A simple task I thought but I was missing one of the steps. For the life of me I couldn't remember which one. I didn't have a copy near by so I let it go. Today I remembered it was Step Six. I was all about Step Seven asking to have my shortcomings removed but Step Six was no where to be found.

Step Six, were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Just getting ready in other words waiting. Waiting has always been my nemesis. The enemy that pushes me to edge until I just do something anything right or wrong.

So here I am getting ready. So what part of me is not really ready? Am I not sincere in my proclamation of Step Seven. So maybe I'm not willing to give some defect up. Maybe it is not enough to ask for general removal at this point. Maybe I can't see something that is holding me back.

I have a lot of defects and most are related to my will so I spend most of my days hanging out with Step Three. This waiting is probably related to my will in some way.

I have always had a plan, a clear focus a direction that I was sure about for my life but now nothing seems clear and I am uncomfortable with that.

I can see my horse sunning just a few feet away from me. I am sitting on the fence not moving an inch. If I jump down I am afraid he will bolt, but I can't sit here forever. I think I will wait just a little longer.

Ships Colliding

I went to my favorite spot yesterday a state park with a tall platform the gives a 360 degree view over the marsh. It was windy and a perfect 72 degree and I was alone. I stayed up on my perch for at least an hour without interruption.

I watched as two huge cargo ships came face to face and looked that they would hit head on but silently glided past each other tooting their horns once. The birds of the marsh replied with their own horns.

Thinking about it now looks can be deceiving. When it looks like disaster it could be just a trick of the eye or the heart. From my perspective they were head to head and then I was proved wrong. I could only see it from my own distorted angle. Even if I had been right, all I could have done is watch. Their course doesn't have anything to do with me. I was a silent spectator just as I am in the lives of others on their course.

I am at work today an feeling powerless and my life has become unmanageable. At least that what it seems like from my vantage point today. It could be distorted I can only hope.

Came to believe a power greater than my self can restore me to sanity. I will wait for that power today.

Faith or Denial

What is next? That is what I am asking myself today. I treated myself to a big fat juicy hamburger for dinner last night. It was technically a Patty Melt a new item on the menu at my favorite local restaurant. They have become like family and since I decided that I a want a life of solitude I go there once in awhile alone. I needed some comforting food in my grief and they are always very kind.

Now that Sandy's gone there is even more open space in my life. I can revisit getting a roommate and leaving town if I want. With the work situation I have no funds so the latter probably won't happen soon. It seems strange all the emptiness all this uncertainty but for the most part I feel like it is going to be fine. Denial or faith, does it really matter?

My horoscope said today it didn't matter how carefully I planned that things were happening too quickly to keep up and to just go with my gut. Paraphrased of course. I read them every day along with the hexagram. Always just for inspiration take what you like and leave the rest. The hexagram is ancient Chinese proverbs or something. Today it was Patience. It talked about when one is fishing it is the patient fisherman that ultimately gets the catch. It also said waiting builds spiritual strength and in times of waiting the wise use the time to focus on God.

Truthfully in all my whining I have gotten better at waiting than I ever have been. It is my nature to jump ship plunge into the next thing right or wrong just to stop the anxiety related to uncertainty. Better to be wrong than to feel any discomfort.

This I am afraid is my lesson. I don't really understand God's plan he didn't ask for my approval or consult with me to get my ideas. This is really hard for me a doer just to float along and watch life unfold.

I am having heart palpitations at night and dreamed I was trying to get a job at Subway. So maybe I am having a little anxiety. I am still waiting on the call back about the job.

Here I am in the boat with no oars today. Hoping that my faith will carry me through and believing that it isn't just denial.

Thanks to everyone for their thoughts about my loss it is appreciated.

Mustard Greens and Music

I am home tonight and making some mustard greens and listening to some music. If you are not from the south, mustard greens are collard green's bitter cousin. You are suppose to cook them with some smoked pork slowly for a few hours and then serve them with cornbread.

In my grandmothers house this was a huge process. Greens were not just for Thanksgiving and I helped her look the greens many times, this is what she called it, looking the greens. She said they always have grit on them and after all the waiting you don't want anyone to get any grit. Her method called for stripping out the spine and filling a sink full of water and letting them soak until the sand sinks to the bottom. We would repeat this process until she was satisfied that there was no grit.

These days I feel like those bitter greens. I have had my spine ripped out and now I am floating and waiting for the grit to sink to the bottom. Silly, but I couldn't pass up that analogy. It is appropriate for me right now, but I am not bitter today.

Waiting and being subjected to a cleansing of sort. I think I must at least be on the third soak by now, not quite ready but soon. Then comes the slow cooking, worth the wait? I hope so, because patience is not one of my virtues. I think that is the point.

Never pray for patience I have heard and for the record I have never prayed for patience. I am changing I know and tonight I am feeling happy and in a place of acceptance.

My grandmother would say anything worthwhile is worth waiting for, or her own version on that. In my family there was no such thing as instant gratification. If you didn't work for it it wasn't worth anything. I hope she was right for I am here just floating and waiting for the grit to sink to the bottom.

Hanging out and Hanging on

I have been taking pictures of a frog that has been spending time outside my front door. Each day he is in a different place but he hasn’t moved very far. I guess he is just getting a different perspective of his bug buffet.

I have been working on the same thing for myself. I think if I just change my perspective I can figure things out. I get really frustrated when I can't come up with a solution and become impatient for things to move more quickly. I have found that even though it takes me a long time to get there acceptance of things the way they are is the only way to be sure things will change.

I applaud the frog and his ability to wait and be content to just change his perspective.

Waiting Pool

The picture is a peaceful reminder of what calmness looks like. The stillness shown here is something I am experiencing right now. Aptly called a waiting pool ok I know it is wading pool but not for me. I have been in a place of waiting for a long time and I am just now getting comfortable with this place in my life. It is a part of my fourth step. I have always been an impatient person. On the outside it isn’t always obvious but on the inside I am always scanning every situation for efficiency. How can I make this better, what’s the next right step? What should I be doing right now? So this is my character defect. On the positive side of this defect is that I have made a living at making things work. But personally I am experiencing what it is like to have real peace. No where to run to nothing that is life or death. My pool is calm and I am ok with that today. So my character defect is that I am never satisfied it is the human condition.

Content to Stand on my Head

When I was eight my mother signed me up for gymnastics it wasn’t the gymnastics of today. Back then our parents were just trying to keep us from wrecking the house in the afternoons. They didn’t think any of us were headed to Olympics just to the dance recital at the end of the year. The problem was that I had or have a short attention span and the only thing I had learned during all those classes was to stand on my head. Just like today the recitals were serious and held downtown in a big theater and I was terrified.

Participation is the key to harmony so the dance teacher, as suggested by my mother I am sure, choreographed a routine where I basically stood on my head in front of the stage while everyone performed the routine behind me. I was relieved they had found the perfect place for me.

I remember the day of the big recital I was so excited to wear my lime green glow in the dark body suite and my mother had given me Princess Leah hair. This was before Star Wars, I looked stunning. I stood on my head for the entire five minute routine even while the 99 bobby pins my mother used fell out. I wasn’t about to let that stop me.

I was watching a dance show tonight and this memory came to me. Recently I have felt like I have been standing on my head while everyone else is performing the routine behind me. Oddly enough I can still stand on my head for real. So just for today I will be content to stand on my head.