I heard the phrase "a better dream" today and it struck me by the power of these few words. Life for me has been about achieving a dream of emotional happiness. Finding the dream of a life where all the boxes had been checked and in the end would make me feel love and satisfied with my life.
For most of my life I tried many different ways to create the dream that seemed to work for a lot of people. I lived a very conventional life during two long term relationships. The the relationships didn't survive and when the second ended I nearly didn't survive. I had lost my best hope of achieving the dream I had in my mind.
I have been forced to look at what I have done with my time here on earth. Some would say it is just life but I expected better or I expected that it would be easier to to create a life with another person and I expected that it would be permanent.
I have always been a dreamer thinking that everyone finds the kind of love the love we see in the movies or the kind of love my parents had. The kind of love I might add that nearly destroyed my dad when my mother died. I am have been like him with every relationship lost I have felt devastation. A bit dramatic but it felt like death each time. I held tight to the dream of living life a certain way experiencing the ups and downs and having someone standing beside me.
I have given up on the pursuit of that one dream for a better dream. The dream of living each day with the expectation of wonderful moments where ever they come from. With some painful maturity under my belt I can admit I have no idea what will make me happy today or any day in the future.
I feels really good to be free from the responsibility of searching for something. I can reclaim all that lost energy and just live my life and that is what I am doing. I can have a better dream one that doesn't have to look a certain way. I can be open and let my life flow towards me instead of chasing an old dream that never really worked for me anyway.
A better dream......
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