Design - Decisions - Change

I and in the middle of the my home transformation and the internal transformation that goes with it.  I have always believed that your space reflects your emotional interior. 

When I moved here I rejected this house because I could not accept that my life would no longer be the same.  I had to do my bathroom because there was a leak and tiles were failing off the walls and it turned out nice but my heart wasn't in it.  The person who cared about design was gone by that point and I assumed would never return.  Some days the contractor would show up and I would still be in the bed.  They worked around me. I dark moment for sure.

I lost myself.  Everything that I thought of as "me" had vanished.  I had to function so I just did what I thought people expected me to do every day. When you are sad and lost just remember most people can't see that from the outside.  We are all too wrapped up in our own inner drama to notice another  person's suffering.  A few people close to me knew I was not the same and fled the scene.  I really didn't mind it gave me the opportunity to go deeper and darker without anyone interfering.

Over the past four years I have just really coasting not really having any goals or even wants. Just working and filling each day.  I have had little spurts of ambition for my house like painting over the great room with bright white.  I had selected beige when I moved in because it was what I had in the other house and reflected my mood. It was builders beige. The white represented endless possibilities. It did make me feel better.

Now I am on the move with redoing the floors. It was a very hard decision to do tile.  The foyer, half bath, kitchen, laundry and my bedroom are all on the same level.  My bedroom had painted brown concrete floors after a flood during the bathroom remodel.  My dog was old and sick at the time so I didn't want to re-carpet.  The foyer was black fake marble tiles from the 80's and the laundry and half bath was flesh color tile with 1/4 grout lines. The kitchen a gold beehive patterned vinyl.  The rest of main floor steps down to parkett wood so choosing wood could not work.  I knew tile would be the answer even though it is cold for the bedroom granted not much colder than concrete.

I knew this was going to be a big project moving everything off the floor. Also managing the timing with the kitchen.  I was going to leave the laundry but the tile person said no big deal to move the washer and dryer.  I picked a tile the color of light concrete (funny) with some sparkles in it.  My house is loft like and has dark trim.  I know the trend is white and gray all day every day but I like color so this is my compromise.  White walls in the great room and gray floors.  I have a midnight blue accent wall in the great room and teal and taupe in my bedroom.  The new tile looks great. 

They grouted my bedroom yesterday and will finish everything tomorrow except for the kitchen.
The installer wants to wait until the cabinets are out to tile that room so I have concrete floors there.  I I still haven't ordered the cabinets.  I am waffling about removing a small pantry and stealing closet from my office to make the kitchen more functional.  Do I care that much?  It is just me and it will add cost. Am I not willing to invest in myself to make it better.

My indecision is emotional at this time it isn't about time or money even though I am an extremely frugal person. I think it is more about whether I want invest in my future and believe that I am worth it. It is always easier to keep things the same because change is growth.  It is scary and takes energy to make a move forward.  With the kitchen it means I am moving on past this stage of my life. I feel secure enough to invest in my future and in a room that where I prepare my daily bread. So to speak.

I can sometimes have conflict from within about design in general.  You definitely have to find happiness from within first.  The industry I work in can feel very superficial with everyone saying your house must look like this to be happy.  Design can't fill the hole inside that is from feeling not good enough for yourself or the people in your life but it can make you feel better or worse on your journy to self acceptance and inner peace.

I wrote this post today to sort out my indecision about the changes in the kitchen and whether my fear of the future is keeping me from moving forward.  What is it that I really need verses what I want or what will add value to each day for me. I am going to take out those closets and get those cabinets ordered this week.  It is time to acknowledge that I really have already moved on and I want my space to reflect the new me. 

Should I stay or should I go

When you live long enough you have some perspective on life that is if you are paying attention.  First you know that everything changes from jobs to friends to partners. The choices are to grow together or move on. I have a tendency to stay too long no matter what.

I use to think staying was the right thing to do.  If you make a commitment then you stay until the bitter end and boy was that end always bitter. I also thought I was good person and good people do the right thing and be compassionate and understanding until again the bitter end. All of these decision were about me and how I viewed myself and how if I left I was inconsiderate and worse a quitter. I would be lumped into the same category as the ones who gave up in search of greener pastures.

If I stay I can be the martyr and be safe.  I can let time and the other person or company dictate my future.  I can be the victim of what life lays before me instead brave and taking a chance that there is something better out there for me. Someone or some job that better suites me. What if I am wrong and I leave the comfort and suffering of my current situation to jump into another worse situation.

This is the dilemma of change for every moment of everyday. This is how the mind keep us stuck where we are until someone or something from the outside forces us to make move. For me I found out I was the only one in my monogamous relationships that was being monogamous.

I am not sure where this is coming from today or why I am compelled to share it with you but there it is. I always wanted peace and to me peace meant trying to keep things the same or worse try to make things the way they use to be. A dreamier time a memory of something that no longer exist and truthfully wasn't that good when it was happening.

I have never made the break on my own except when I left home at 16 and when I left my own business to work for someone else. Both times I picked me and my happiness over what I thought was best for everyone. I will say both of those choices were the best choices I made in my life.

Being enough - healing - just someone's opinion

I got to work yesterday and walked in with co worker we were both a little early so I went to my office and started on my mountain of responsibilities.  Hoping if things were slow I would get caught up from my two days off.  After the rest of the crew arrived someone came into my office and said the coworker was crying hysterically in the bathroom.

I went in to find out what was going on and she couldn't talk.  She wouldn't open the door to the stall but after a little prodding finally came out. Evidently she lives with her dad and she was suppose have deep cleaned the house the day before and had to work late and didn't get it done.  She had left him a note that after work she would be home to finish. He called right when we opened and started yelling at her.

The back story to this is that he found out he was sick last week. He is lashing out and made the statement "you are trying to kill me" to her.  I hugged her until the crying stopped and said this isn't about you it is about him.  He is scared and you are the closest and safest person to lash out at. I know him and he is a perfectionist and his standards for himself and everyone else is really high. He takes care of everything and has the energy of 3 people. I feel a growth opportunity ahead.

I felt sad for her and it reminded me of my riff with my dad. It seems sometimes parents don't see their kids as separate adults with feelings. At least that is my experience with my family. They thought I was a tool to make their lives a little easier.  I owed it to them because they were paying my way. This was totally my dad. He was raised on a farm where you hoped for as many boys as possible to keep things going. He was the oldest and ended raising his three younger brothers and two sisters while his mother worked at a mill.

People that we love and that are suppose to love us we just can't see each other as fully formed. They are a version of our imagination a story we have about each other from the past instead of who we are now. He said to her "you have a terrible work ethic" after she spent time off work last week taking him to the doctor. This isn't the first time I have been a part one of the incidences. She wants so bad to to please a man that cannot be pleased.

I wanted to call him and say "you know your daughter can walk out of your life and never come back." This is what I did only after I could not take the emotional abuse from my stepmother. I was never enough for her and my dad never stood up for me. It didn't matter how carefully I cleaned the house to her specifications or the errands I ran or even when I gave her flowers. I was invisible unless I wasn't meeting her standards.

I was just a young girl who had lost her mother looking for someone to let me know that I mattered. When I left they didn't even try to stop me this re-in forced what I already knew. I was not loved or cherished.  At least this is what I took with me that day.

I do know now that this wasn't personal. My dad and my stepmother were not the adults in the room that day. They were stuck and not capable of giving more and would never be. My sister and I spoke about this during my visit. She was going on about how my dad had said he was sorry about not being there for her.  The girl in me said " did he say anything about me" still longing for evidence that I meant something to him.

I recently heard Joel's message called "The blessing" it was how important dads are in their daughter's lives.  How they are the first example of how men treat women. How girls can repeat that relationship over and  over.  I really get that I have repeated the relationship of indifference over and over my whole life. At work at home and even with my friends. These relationships feel familiar to me and I know how to play my part.  Joel's final word was the God can be the father you wanted.

I have been a little weepy today gathering my thoughts. I cried yesterday hugging my co-worker and hoping she can somehow understand she is enough no matter what her dad thinks. It is just his opinion and she has the power to decide whether to let it control her life.

 My father did love me in his limited way and I could have made more of an effort to bring us together but my own pain and immaturity kept me from doing that.  When he died we were on good terms and I have made peace with both our limitations. I guess today I am still healing.

Freedom - A Road Less Traveled - Emotional Abuse

Coming back from a short trip to celebrate the soon to be birth of my grand nephew I had a chance to listen to Scott Pecks "A Road Less Traveled" It is the first and most influential spiritual book I have read. It was before 12 steps for me but really started me to thinking that I could change myself.

I haven't been close to my family because I did take the road less traveled.  My sister the one that we share both parents decided it was better for her to stay connected to the family my dad created after our mother's death. She wanted her kids to have that extended family and I would have done the same if I had had children.

I made my own way and eventually my dad and I came to an understanding that he did not have the ability to love me the way I wanted him to love me. When he remarried after my mother died my stepmother was emotionally abusive. She regularly said the most hateful things to my adolescent self that has taken me a life time to get over. I decided to leave at 16 and in my eyes no one has ever made an attempt to bring me back into the family.

After being gone for five years I tried to come back by having my wedding there but she was even more abusive to me. It solidified my belief that I was not good enough for even my family. My dad was a good man but was very passive after having his own abusive father.  He wasn't able to stand up to her or really ever understand what it meant to me.  I eventually was able to accept his limitations and healed this part of me. 

My stepmother on the other hand is still living and since my nephews marriage and now baby I have had to interact with her. Until the wedding I hadn't seen her since my dad's funeral 15 years ago. The wedding weekend I felt numb. She sat next to me at every event. She hasn't changed much still criticizing her own grown daughters with their children and grandchildren.

This weekend it was less stressful for me and she sat next to me at the shower and at dinner. It made me laugh to think the person that has done the most damage my life besides my dad is sitting next me and I feel nothing. The girl in me is gone and she has no power over me anymore. She is old and really she has no idea her affect on me. It wasn't personal and she inflicted the same abuse on her own daughters. She was not enough so therefore she wants everyone that she comes across to feel they are not enough either especially those closest to her.

While listening to Scott Peck I realized just how far I have come and how I have worked hard to heal every part of my life. My stepmother was the last person from my past that had any power over me.  I am finally free.