It has been a good week. I finished staining my 50 - ten foot boards for my ceiling and the guy came and installed everything in two days. The transformation was like a miracle in the construction world. He is going to paint the room next week and help me with my kitchen remodel.
I feel free right now like haven't felt before taking time to take care of my own life. This won't last but with the holiday weekend everyone is focused on family and friends and not on renovations. They closed the showroom early yesterday because it was so dead. Our team was off so it really didn't matter that much to me.
I worked around the house yesterday weeding my flower beds and power washing my deck. Both long over due because of my focus on the fifty boards. As a part of managing my ADD and OCD when I commit to something I put blinders on to anything and everything else. This works but when you come up for air after the main task is completed then you have to address the fall out.
I have accepted that this is the way I operate. I am not a clean as you go person not because it isn't a great idea but because once I start cleaning I lose myself in that task instead of the main event. When I was younger I chose not to start anything because I knew if I could focus on it 100% for as long as I wanted to make it perfect then I would rather not start it at all.
I lived my life paralyzed by all that needed to be done and my lack of ability to do it all perfectly. I never met my own standard of perfection. I learned to let go mainly because I was miserable all the time. I couldn't be perfect and no one around me met my perfection standards either. I didn't accept help from others because they didn't do it with the same precision I did. A no win situation.
This last part is really mental or chemical I think. I think some of us have the predisposition to perfection magnified by events in our lives that push us into a desperate need to control. I remember sitting inside a base kitchen cabinet lining up my mother's can goods in neat rows tallest to shortest. Grouping like items together and the frustration of some odd item not fitting the standard. I still do this every once in a while even though I can't fit inside a cabinet.
This was before my mother died when life was good. The process soothed me then and still does. There is an order to everything but nothing ever stays in order life is messy people die people leave so many things are out of control. When my mother died I went into my childish room and threw everything away. It had been creative chaos up until that point but I needed control so it all had to go.
Every part of my life right now is creative chaos. I have accepted that this is a natural state of life. I have my blinders on and can be okay with the mess. I also know that I will enjoy the process of organizing it all in the end when I am ready. I don't devote hours beating myself up for not being neat and instead look forward to putting it all back together. I love a good before and after - who doesn't.
My mind use to be in chaos and my space was neat but now the opposite is true and I can be content where ever I am in the process. The process part is real living and being engaged in doing instead of thinking that the destination will make me happy. I finally get that after a lifetime. The satisfaction of completion is fleeting but the planning and process can go on for as long as you want. Savoring every minute until it stops being fun.
I have to admit sanding, staining and top coating stopped being fun after the second full day and I had to think about the destination to keep working. Once I am committed I have to finish or at least this is the way I see myself as a finisher. Although I didn't think my staining job was good enough while I was doing it, of course, it turned out beautiful and I am thrilled.
Sunday, May 27, 2018
Sunday, May 13, 2018
Homemade Wine and death
My neighbor passed away a few hours ago. He was in his late 70's or early 80's I think and has had serious heart problems the last ten years I have lived here. We spent one afternoon together after he saw me on my porch and yelled out "do you want a bottle of wine?" I said sure. It seemed like only seconds and he was at my front door.
I was in the depths of my depression and isolation and definitely was not thinking about having visitors but there I was on the porch with him. He apparently made homemade wine. I knew he was a retired acupuncturist so I asked him why he chose that. He said he had worked for the DOW company and heard there was a lot of money in acupuncture in Florida. Not exactly what I expected him to say about his chosen field.
We went on to talk about my obvious mental problems and menopause. He shared with me that his ex wife went through the same thing and left him. When it was over she said she was sorry and wanted to come back. He was already engaged to my other neighbor so by that time it was too late.
I always thought I would get to know them better because his wife is very politically active and had the only Hillary sign in the neighborhood. She has worked for non-profits her whole life and has an amazing track record for fighting for people that need help. A friendship has not worked out mainly because I have had my own issues.
Today I am staining a ceilings worth of cypress wood that a guy is suppose to install next week. The boards are laying across three saw horses in my driveway. I have been sanding and staining all morning and now the hearse has arrived to take the body away. Very awkward me with my giant face respirator out sanding while they are dealing with death. I have retreated to write this while the body is being taken away.
As far as I know we can't avoid death. It is something we will all face. I am not afraid of it and really feel that people are lucky if they have had a long life and in the end they had the people they loved beside them. Just having people that love you is something not everyone has. Experiencing death so young I think that it made realize nothing is guaranteed. I was thrilled to get past 41 the age my mother died. I had no idea just how young she was.
Grief is hard and cannot be avoided but it is part of the celebration of some one's life. You loved them and they meant something to you. It can feel like a warm blanket if you don't resist. Nobody understands what you are going through until they experience it themselves. Everyone goes back to there lives after two weeks and you are left to lay down with the grief and deal with it your own way.
In my experience it takes three years to come back to life when you lose someone you love. You get back to life quicker than that but it still lingers in the back ground. Be kind to yourself if you have lost someone or even if you have lost a dream. It is okay not to get past it in record time. It means that it was important to you and worth the sadness.
To my neighbor who left us today. You brought love to the people that loved you and they will celebrate their loss with grief and maybe some homemade wine.
I was in the depths of my depression and isolation and definitely was not thinking about having visitors but there I was on the porch with him. He apparently made homemade wine. I knew he was a retired acupuncturist so I asked him why he chose that. He said he had worked for the DOW company and heard there was a lot of money in acupuncture in Florida. Not exactly what I expected him to say about his chosen field.
We went on to talk about my obvious mental problems and menopause. He shared with me that his ex wife went through the same thing and left him. When it was over she said she was sorry and wanted to come back. He was already engaged to my other neighbor so by that time it was too late.
I always thought I would get to know them better because his wife is very politically active and had the only Hillary sign in the neighborhood. She has worked for non-profits her whole life and has an amazing track record for fighting for people that need help. A friendship has not worked out mainly because I have had my own issues.
Today I am staining a ceilings worth of cypress wood that a guy is suppose to install next week. The boards are laying across three saw horses in my driveway. I have been sanding and staining all morning and now the hearse has arrived to take the body away. Very awkward me with my giant face respirator out sanding while they are dealing with death. I have retreated to write this while the body is being taken away.
As far as I know we can't avoid death. It is something we will all face. I am not afraid of it and really feel that people are lucky if they have had a long life and in the end they had the people they loved beside them. Just having people that love you is something not everyone has. Experiencing death so young I think that it made realize nothing is guaranteed. I was thrilled to get past 41 the age my mother died. I had no idea just how young she was.
Grief is hard and cannot be avoided but it is part of the celebration of some one's life. You loved them and they meant something to you. It can feel like a warm blanket if you don't resist. Nobody understands what you are going through until they experience it themselves. Everyone goes back to there lives after two weeks and you are left to lay down with the grief and deal with it your own way.
In my experience it takes three years to come back to life when you lose someone you love. You get back to life quicker than that but it still lingers in the back ground. Be kind to yourself if you have lost someone or even if you have lost a dream. It is okay not to get past it in record time. It means that it was important to you and worth the sadness.
To my neighbor who left us today. You brought love to the people that loved you and they will celebrate their loss with grief and maybe some homemade wine.
Sunday, May 6, 2018
Rejection - Excited - Horoscopes
I have been very busy. Has there ever been a time I haven't said that here I guess in truth I like busy. After the years of depression and recession both mentally and financially I have found a freedom that I really thought was not possible. I feel actually excited about the future instead of indifferent.
What has changed? My analytical mind really wants to spend a lot of time pondering that question. Really a lot has happened. It has been 10 years. Don't let that number scare you it is really only 3650 consecutive day give or take a few dozen that may or may not have meaning. Even though none of the days individually really seemed so significant together they accomplished a transformation.
What I have believed my entire adolescent and adult life is that there was something about me that made me unlovable. This has been the core of my belief. I have been loved by many actually but in the end I was left for someone else. Someone better I assumed. I am a take charge practical person so I thought "I will make myself a better person" and I went on a lifetime journey of improvement.
Where did I get this idea ? After my mother died and left me at eleven I was left to parent myself. I know you guys are probably sick of hearing this but for anyone that loses their mother early they are really messed up. My dad was left us emotionally and was engaged to two different women and married with in 6 months. "Run Daddy run!"
Lets just say that I was on my own to sort out a lot of things. In my child's mind I was a bad kid with ADD. I was not medicated and my mother whipped me a lot to try to correct this problem. They offered my parents medication to solve the problem but the idea of that was rejected. It might hurt me in some way. Really? When she got sick everything shifted to saving her and the pressure was off. Subtract two and a half years from ll and you have a person that is eight and a half running the show.
Where did I get advice on how life was suppose to be and how to make good decisions. I got advice from the person I trusted the most "me". I was available 24/7 and was always willing to listen to all sides of the story and work it all out. In my teens I relied on Linda Goodmans Sun Signs. In my house this represented the devil and my stepmother found my copy under my mattress and I was put on restriction for a month.
I needed some kind of positive feedback from somewhere. My stepmother is (still alive) a very critical person and she has cut many people, that she is suppose to love, to the bone. It was worse for me because I was not one of the people she loved. I felt she hated me me. Now I think she didn't give me much thought at all she isn't that deep. My sister says she has changed but I couldn't detect that the last time I saw her. Sitting next to her at the baby shower I wanted to "Hey. Did you know your selfishness and lack of maturity really changed the course of my life?" I left home at 16 the best decision of my life - Still.
So what my point of regurgitating this crap again? My point is that because I had to raise myself it has taken me a long time to see that the way the people that are suppose to love you treat you isn't at all about you. Yes us Virgos can be critical (mostly of ourselves) but we bring a lot to the table. We take care of things. We make things run smoothly and taste good. When we decide something or someone is worthy of our focus we are all in and ask for nothing in return. We don't don't do it for the accolades we do it because we love you and know we can make any situation better.
In our selflessness we appear invisible which is fine with us. We are under appreciated by even ourselves and no one sees our value until we are gone. The last part is what I hope anyway.
I been have invested in a lot things and people in my life and have felt really undervalued. I have been left by ever person that I have loved and that I thought loved me. In my mind I am still that ADD girl that made her mother sick because I couldn't act right. I have always been a problem and not worth a long term investment. This is what the eight year thinks.
I know it isn't true and I argue with her about this when I am sad and lonely. Our relationship has change over the years and recently I have convinced her that we need to invest in our own happiness for a change and stop thinking we caused the rejection.
Overall we have done a good job parenting ourselves. We have made mistakes and we have been slow to learn sometimes but we have come out on top. We have loved and have made a difference in the lives we have touched even if we don't exactly how. This isn't our business. We have done best even if sometimes it wasn't good enough.
I want to thank all those folks writing horoscopes out there. Sometimes you just need someone to tell you something good about yourself. Today I look for God's message everywhere I go and from anyone that crosses my path. I always say " it is the message not the messenger." Take what you like and leave the rest.
There is healing available no matter what your eight year old might say to you. You are worth the investment and never give up.
What has changed? My analytical mind really wants to spend a lot of time pondering that question. Really a lot has happened. It has been 10 years. Don't let that number scare you it is really only 3650 consecutive day give or take a few dozen that may or may not have meaning. Even though none of the days individually really seemed so significant together they accomplished a transformation.
What I have believed my entire adolescent and adult life is that there was something about me that made me unlovable. This has been the core of my belief. I have been loved by many actually but in the end I was left for someone else. Someone better I assumed. I am a take charge practical person so I thought "I will make myself a better person" and I went on a lifetime journey of improvement.
Where did I get this idea ? After my mother died and left me at eleven I was left to parent myself. I know you guys are probably sick of hearing this but for anyone that loses their mother early they are really messed up. My dad was left us emotionally and was engaged to two different women and married with in 6 months. "Run Daddy run!"
Lets just say that I was on my own to sort out a lot of things. In my child's mind I was a bad kid with ADD. I was not medicated and my mother whipped me a lot to try to correct this problem. They offered my parents medication to solve the problem but the idea of that was rejected. It might hurt me in some way. Really? When she got sick everything shifted to saving her and the pressure was off. Subtract two and a half years from ll and you have a person that is eight and a half running the show.
Where did I get advice on how life was suppose to be and how to make good decisions. I got advice from the person I trusted the most "me". I was available 24/7 and was always willing to listen to all sides of the story and work it all out. In my teens I relied on Linda Goodmans Sun Signs. In my house this represented the devil and my stepmother found my copy under my mattress and I was put on restriction for a month.
I needed some kind of positive feedback from somewhere. My stepmother is (still alive) a very critical person and she has cut many people, that she is suppose to love, to the bone. It was worse for me because I was not one of the people she loved. I felt she hated me me. Now I think she didn't give me much thought at all she isn't that deep. My sister says she has changed but I couldn't detect that the last time I saw her. Sitting next to her at the baby shower I wanted to "Hey. Did you know your selfishness and lack of maturity really changed the course of my life?" I left home at 16 the best decision of my life - Still.
So what my point of regurgitating this crap again? My point is that because I had to raise myself it has taken me a long time to see that the way the people that are suppose to love you treat you isn't at all about you. Yes us Virgos can be critical (mostly of ourselves) but we bring a lot to the table. We take care of things. We make things run smoothly and taste good. When we decide something or someone is worthy of our focus we are all in and ask for nothing in return. We don't don't do it for the accolades we do it because we love you and know we can make any situation better.
In our selflessness we appear invisible which is fine with us. We are under appreciated by even ourselves and no one sees our value until we are gone. The last part is what I hope anyway.
I been have invested in a lot things and people in my life and have felt really undervalued. I have been left by ever person that I have loved and that I thought loved me. In my mind I am still that ADD girl that made her mother sick because I couldn't act right. I have always been a problem and not worth a long term investment. This is what the eight year thinks.
I know it isn't true and I argue with her about this when I am sad and lonely. Our relationship has change over the years and recently I have convinced her that we need to invest in our own happiness for a change and stop thinking we caused the rejection.
Overall we have done a good job parenting ourselves. We have made mistakes and we have been slow to learn sometimes but we have come out on top. We have loved and have made a difference in the lives we have touched even if we don't exactly how. This isn't our business. We have done best even if sometimes it wasn't good enough.
I want to thank all those folks writing horoscopes out there. Sometimes you just need someone to tell you something good about yourself. Today I look for God's message everywhere I go and from anyone that crosses my path. I always say " it is the message not the messenger." Take what you like and leave the rest.
There is healing available no matter what your eight year old might say to you. You are worth the investment and never give up.
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