Inner Conficts - Finding my own way

I always seem to have some kind of inner conflict that my mind relishes spending hours and hours trying to resolve.  In the early years the conflicts were based on small things and solving superficial problems I was facing every day but now that I have reached a point where I know 99% of the things we worry about are superficial and in a few weeks or even days they will be forgotten my mind like to work on the heavy issues.

On Sundays I like to watch church TV mostly either Joel or the church my sister is currently attending.  It is a satellite church where they watch the preacher on screen.  He seems pretty arrogant to me very charismatic and has a wide appeal.  Today he said "the liberals are against us and are the enemy of Christians every where"  that might not be exactly the words but the idea in general. 

This made me mad.  I thought you just lump everyone together and put a label on them so we have someone to be against.  We are right and they are wrong.  This is what drove me from the church of my childhood.  This and the double standard that is if we do something wrong we just ask for forgiveness and all is well if you do something wrong then you are a sinner and God will make sure you get what is coming to you.

I consider myself liberal and have a few liberal friends that are kind of extreme and would say the same thing about evangelicals being the enemy.  Again lumping everyone together is never a good idea.

I don't like organized religion for the most part.  It mostly seems focused on money and giving in order to have God bless you. It is big business these days and even though the message does help inspire people it seems so much excess.  The mention of giving at every opportunity weaving it into every sermon in some way. 

The bottom line for me is that my christian family abandoned me in the name of Jesus. After my mother died my life wasn't valuable to my own dad or my stepmother.  They were happy to spend their lives without me with no attempt to reconcile or even reach out to me. There is an evangelist in my own family and this morning he mentioned my dad and how much he counseled him.  He of coarse has no idea the pain or conflict I have endured just trying to reconcile how I was treated by the Christians in my life and the God that is suppose to love me. 

I will continue to feel conflicted until my mind finds acceptance.  People are flawed and self centered and even though they call themselves Christians it doesn't mean they always act that way. I can trust that just like me they will have to find their own way.  For me my own Christan upbringing gave me the foundation that helped me to make though the hard times and for this I am thankful.