Sisters - Sorting thing out - love - conflict

I was taking ice out of ice trays a few minutes ago and remember a funny story about me and my older sister.   On steamy hot southern days I would intentionally wait for my sister to get up and make herself a glass of ice tea and then I would say "please can you make me one too" knowing with my parents sitting there she wouldn't be able to refuse me.

Back then in our house we didn't have an ice maker just those metal trays with a handle that you pulled to break the ice open.  I wasn't really strong enough to pull the frozen arm to get the ice out but that wasn't why I ask her to do it for me.  She hated me we were four years apart and I was a thorn in her side.  At first she was my idol I thought everything about her was perfect and from the outside it seemed true.  Mother mother constantly raved about her.  She had perfect attendance - straight "A's" - she kept her room in perfect order and she never got dirty.

Of course when your eight you don't realize there is a big difference between being eight and twelve. I viewed myself as a problem inferior to her in every way.  I tried so hard but I couldn't be like her it was too hard for me.  I finally let go and decided to not try at all.  It was a relief but I took something away from that decision.  I believed that because I wasn't perfect like her that I wasn't smart.

This thought was based on our years in school compounded by the death of my mother.  I had this belief despite the successes I had once I left school. Even working fast food in while still in high school they wanted to get an age exception so I could be a supervisor. In truth after I decided that being perfect like my sister was impossible for me I never applied myself in school. 

My dad and stepmother were happy to discourage me from college so it didn't cost them anything. It isn't that important in traditionally southern families that girls go to college.  My mother went to college and would have freaked if she had known they weren't making me go.

I made a success of my life becoming the youngest VP in a mortgage company of 1,000 people.  I still have those congratulations letters.  I still felt like a fraud because I didn't have the education that other people had. When I lost my job after 13 years I felt like I was found out.

At 40 I decided to do the one thing I had never done go to college. I always tell people I went back to school but really I went for the first time. I tested out all the remedial English courses but the math I had to start from scratch.  I did it with those punky eighteen year old students.  I had an advantage I wanted to be there and enjoyed every minute.  I got my degree with a 4.0 average because nothing else was acceptable.

I have had a good life with the work ethic both my parents taught me.  My sister is a lawyer but after my mother died she lost her shine and never really regained her love for this world. My mother was a great force in our lives and without her and my dad distracted by his new family we barely made it. Suffering has been the norm for both of us and we accepted early on that nothing in life comes easy.

We both love our work and it has been the one consistent thing in our lives.  She seems really happy now that she has grandchildren and her love for work is wavering.  Now she is thinking she only needs to do the work of two people instead of three.  I am happy for her.

We talk a few times a week when she can squeeze me in coming home late from work. She is always surprised how alike we are but we did have the same mother even if  her influence lasted four more years than mine.

I think our  mother would have been proud of us both.  Of course my sisters traditional life would have met her approval for sure. With me she had to accept very early that I had my own ideas about things and without a logical presentation of the facts to show otherwise those ideas would not be changed.  I preferred punishment to giving in if I thought I was right.

I still believe no human has all the right answers all the time.  We have a right to question what we are being told and even what we tell ourselves. We have to look at the motive behind the words. It isn't easy to go against the majority or long entrenched doctrine but it is important to look at whether those ideas are hurting people.

If you alienate someone it is unlikely you will convince them you are right.  You have to give people love and space to decide for themselves. I always loved the program phrase "attraction not promotion" it gave me the opportunity to figure out my own path.  In church they taught us "let your little light shine" I think this is the same thing.

My sister and I have a worked things out between each other.  She no longer sees me as the brat that forced her to serve me ice tea on those hot summer days.  I am only sad that we had to suffer separately our whole lives when we are so much alike. 
 

Inner Conficts - Finding my own way

I always seem to have some kind of inner conflict that my mind relishes spending hours and hours trying to resolve.  In the early years the conflicts were based on small things and solving superficial problems I was facing every day but now that I have reached a point where I know 99% of the things we worry about are superficial and in a few weeks or even days they will be forgotten my mind like to work on the heavy issues.

On Sundays I like to watch church TV mostly either Joel or the church my sister is currently attending.  It is a satellite church where they watch the preacher on screen.  He seems pretty arrogant to me very charismatic and has a wide appeal.  Today he said "the liberals are against us and are the enemy of Christians every where"  that might not be exactly the words but the idea in general. 

This made me mad.  I thought you just lump everyone together and put a label on them so we have someone to be against.  We are right and they are wrong.  This is what drove me from the church of my childhood.  This and the double standard that is if we do something wrong we just ask for forgiveness and all is well if you do something wrong then you are a sinner and God will make sure you get what is coming to you.

I consider myself liberal and have a few liberal friends that are kind of extreme and would say the same thing about evangelicals being the enemy.  Again lumping everyone together is never a good idea.

I don't like organized religion for the most part.  It mostly seems focused on money and giving in order to have God bless you. It is big business these days and even though the message does help inspire people it seems so much excess.  The mention of giving at every opportunity weaving it into every sermon in some way. 

The bottom line for me is that my christian family abandoned me in the name of Jesus. After my mother died my life wasn't valuable to my own dad or my stepmother.  They were happy to spend their lives without me with no attempt to reconcile or even reach out to me. There is an evangelist in my own family and this morning he mentioned my dad and how much he counseled him.  He of coarse has no idea the pain or conflict I have endured just trying to reconcile how I was treated by the Christians in my life and the God that is suppose to love me. 

I will continue to feel conflicted until my mind finds acceptance.  People are flawed and self centered and even though they call themselves Christians it doesn't mean they always act that way. I can trust that just like me they will have to find their own way.  For me my own Christan upbringing gave me the foundation that helped me to make though the hard times and for this I am thankful.

shooting - guarding our minds

Another shooting in the news it is disturbing that it is just becoming a normal event in the news.  I think many things can cause a society to turn to violence to solve problems.  We pretend that violence on TV or games or even by police doesn't really send the message that this is how to resolve conflict.

I also don't think you can stop someone who has no regard for their own life from taking as many people with them as they can.  I do think between the time they become angry and the time they take action a lot of thoughts pass through their brain.  Somewhere  they have gotten the idea that this is the only solution. They should get what they want at any cost.  Where does this idea come from?

I recently watched a magician follow a guy all day as he went about his normal errands.  Each stop he either played a certain song or had someone in the store whistle the same song.  At the end of the day as part of the magic act he said "think of a song but don't tell me what it is" then he had the band from the restaurant come outside and play that very song. The guy couldn't believe it.

My point is that our minds are constantly absorbing what is around us.  I think that we need to guard what we casually listen to or watch. The advertisers have known this since the beginning even going as far as subliminal text during commercials. We can't ignore what is being fed to us every minute.

Today everything is instant gratification.  We don't want to wait 3 seconds for something to come up on our phone.  This is setting us up for major life conflicts.  When things don't go our way we can't deal with disappointment.  Combine this with the testosterone and ego and it won't end well.

I didn't know about the shooting until my cousin called me to let me know.  I select what I watch for my own peace of mind. For me knowing bad things are happening doesn't change anything.  It just plants a seed that life is not safe.  The truth is life is not safe but living in fear doesn't make it any safer it just ruins every minute living in fear.