What has been lost and what has been found

There has been a number of mile stones in my life that have changed the person that I am today.  They say the earlier the tragedy the longer it takes to overcome those life events. It is not impossible if you can believe that how you feel right now is not permanent. Your situation is not unique and out there somewhere someone has experienced and overcome the same thing. It is believing you are alone and permanently broken that keeps you in a box of your own making forever.

Right now a lot of people are feeling the same way and at least we all know it. I do think that finding a self help group or a community is the beginning of finding a better place emotionally as long as you are there to commiserate and be stuck with other people that are stuck.   ]In the 12 step program they say "take what you like and leave the  rest".  This is my life motto and the only reason I could stay. 

In my own life I have experienced some serious breaks of my spirit.  First the loss of my mother to cancer at eleven and then the subsequent breaking apart of what was left of my immediate family. I married an alcoholic that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with that left me alone after almost a decade. Then I met someone who I trusted again who left after 13 years.

If you have read my blog you know way too much about all of these things but my point here is that I thought my situation was unique and that I was alone with all the feelings I was having.  I am a strong person who because of these things I am changed forever and I know that I will make it no matter what but this wasn't always the case.

I have a picture in my closet of a party with a group of ten people that at the time were my friends.  I only see one them now and when I am feeling low my mind tells me "this is your fault. You are unlovable and you deserve to be alone." What a mean to say and I know it isn't true.

I have loved big and have been there for a long time for many people in my life and I don't regret any of those relationships.  They have shaped the person I am today. I also know that I am forever moving forward emotionally and spiritually and this is not how most people live.  People want you to stay the same and they want me to stay with them.

It is in our nature scientifically to find the most efficient path each day and stay with it. Our brains in an effort to survive want things to be predictable and as simple as possible. We love a routine but hate boredom this is why we inevitably take things for granted.  The job we hated suddenly isn't there anymore or annoying family member that gives us grief for not visiting we now can't visit.

We dreamed of getting away from work to be home with the family and now we dream of going back to get away from those same people. I spoke to a woman this week at work who is working part time at home with her two kids and she said they just won't listen and do there school work.

This time at home although very short for me personally is a time to evaluate what we are doing with our lives. Living mindlessly day to day like our brain wants we can miss the obvious things right in front of us and it takes real courage to be awake and really live each day. Actually seeing and hearing people instead of hurrying on to the next thing as quickly as possible.

I spent the first half of my life just trying to get over every trauma. Someone much older than me said once "stop wishing your life away".  I always wanted things to be easier and always thought "I must be doing something wrong".  This was my own immaturity having raised myself. I thought the things that were happening to me made me unique.  I missed the joy of each day and the people in my life planning for tomorrow.

I am mostly peaceful now and living through the traumas in my life has taught me well that ____ happens and you can either let it swallow you or you can wait and be patient and it will change. I will warn you that it isn't always for the better at first but it will work out.

I didn't always believe this when I was left for the third time I suffered a breakdown of sorts. After 13 years I was left alone this coupled with the recession, menopause and a thyroid condition I wanted my life to be over everyday. Most people ran from me or I ran from people because they wanted something from me. I could barely live each day and the one friend still in my life now didn't. They were content to just let me be instead wanting me to change back.

The person I was even last year doesn't exist anymore but I am okay with that because I have done my best and today I am safe and happy. I have no idea what tomorrow will look like but today looks pretty good. I want to know but it isn't in my power to know so why waste another minute on wishing my life away.

My final word in this post may sound crazy but living in the present or at least today requires looking at all the small stuff we are doing like the food we are eating. Our brain wants a constant feed of sugar or carbs and we may think "comfort like mom use to make" is the answer but this is as addictive as any drug out there. It does sedate you temporarily but then you want more and more.

I use to think I wanted that bowl of tortillas because I just like them but it wasn't true.  Once I was able to reduce the carbs in my life I never craved another thing. Even when I slipped and ate something it didn't really taste good and then I stayed hungry for the rest of the day. I wonder now that if I knew this when I was so depressed would it have lasted as long as it did. I really didn't know I could be this happy despite a pandemic. 

Getting out of a rut - Baby steps

It is so weird to feel joy and excitement about life.  I thought I would have to settle for contentment since it was better than apathy and much better than depression.  My analytical mind is trying to figure out what is different and how can we maintain this level of happiness.  This of course takes away from actually enjoying happiness.

I have made a number of changes over the past six months that really helped.  First the diet which I already hyped on in my last post also I have changed my routine ever so slightly and it has gotten me out of a rut.  I have to admit being off a lot from work really made me look at everything very closely. Once I got over the shock and fear of no business and the question "will I ever have another customer?" I could see the possibilities that free time can give you.

Silly I know but anyone that had a commission based job during the recession understands where I am coming from.  I have to admit for a few days I felt gripped with fear but then I remembered that I made it through that time regardless of the situation and that I would be taken care of even though I don't know exactly how at this moment.

Once I got over the fear I could see once again my part in being stuck and where like the program says "If you always do what you have always done then you will always get what you always got."  When I was sick with depression and thyroid meltdown I lived in survival mode and got use to just making it.  I only had the energy to do what had to be done and was willing to just maintain. I got use to not wanting for more and accepting that feeling okay was really good enough. Bad habits were formed.

This kind of thinking and acting is just a habit and something your mind gets accustomed to and tries to pull you back to in the event you want to make a change. Making changes is not only uncomfortable but also goes against our primal genetic code or lizard brain. So when you are making changes the voice inside is like "I don't like this. I would rather have a bag of tortilla chips."  Who can fight that? 

For me I just negotiate with that voice - telling it not to worry we will go back to the chips one day if we really want to.  Sounds crazy but let's face it the voice is not our friend when we are scared to do something different. The chips in my case represent the millions of good times I have had at Mexican restaurants with friends and it was the first food I bought when I left home a sixteen.  Doritos.

What if life will never be as good as those memories?  What if the future holds better times than those?  I think I have accepted that happiness isn't consistency but finding joy in today knowing that tomorrow we will face whatever comes.  We have to do that anyway so why ruin today.

I am back to being busy at work and missing that freedom I found from being caught up and having to use my imagination to fill my days.  I had forgotten what that was like and hadn't experience it since I was in school for design and off for the summer.  Being busy again I can appreciate both work and the security it gives me and also the ability to have a life outside of work.

If you want to get out of a rut start by changing just one thing.  It can be as small as taking a different route to work or eating lunch at a different time.  You brain will hate it but you will feel a little inspired.  Baby steps at least that is what worked for me.   

I am too much. - Feeling and Food

It scares me when I have too much free time. I have worked hard to try to un-clutter my life and do things that feel authentic to me instead of running scared and filling each moment with something.  When I was grieving the loss of the life I thought I would have with the people I thought I would have it with I packed my life with any kind of distraction possible. Only when I stopped did the healing start.

Being on my own has given me the opportunity to really wallow in my aloneness to a point of narcissism some might say but it does have healing power.  While writing about my childhood I was able to see why I get stuck.  It triggered something pretty core to who I am.  It has made me see that since the very beginning I have been too much or at least this is the impression I got somewhere early on. I was ADD and my parents were offered medication which they declined.  Then my mother got a terminal diagnoses of cancer and I was still a hand full.  In my writing I did stay out of the way as much as possible since I knew I was a problem. Spending hours and hours in our basement alone.

Yesterday I was fighting some version of depression.  Not the deep down version I experienced years ago but the kind where you just don't have the desire to do anything in particular and since I have deliberately downsized my life I could go with it.  It felt pretty awful and my negative inside person wanted to run and also point out how this was going to be what the rest of my life looked like so I better get use to it.

I have learned to trust these days and instead of listening too carefully to that voice I decided to get up make myself a healthy dinner that included steak and big salad.  I  then went back to my room and watched all the TV I wanted without guilt.

I chose a few different movies at random and was able to pick out phrases that I could relate to. In the movie "To The Bone" about younger people with eating disorders one character said "I don't see the point of life".  I recognized this as depression a emotional thought that the brain holds on to that is get worse without food.  When I was depressed I didn't eat and when I did it was crap. My thoughts were bad and they repeated over and over.   In never linked the food to my feelings.  

I thought about when I was stuck the kinds of paralyzing thoughts the kept me there for a long time.  I couldn't see a solution to the problem.  I didn't want to be where I was but I couldn't change that so I totally shut down.  In the movie the doctor says "she has to choose to decide that things can be different."  This is what happened to me one day while in a catatonic state sitting on my the floor of my porch a voice said to me.  "You are doing this to yourself."

It was a turning point for me.  I was choosing to listen to the voice that was telling me that my situation was my fault.  I was left because there was something about me that was not lovable.  I had proof because everyone that I thought loved and cared about me had left me.  Being me was "too much".

This is my core belief about myself that keeps me isolated.  I use to do everything for everybody to earn my keep.  When I had my meltdown I stopped doing for others and everyone ran away.  This only proved my point that I wasn't enough just as I am. Relationships built on what I brought to the table and when I didn't have anything to bring there were only a few left there.

My sister once told me during a Christmas visit to her house that my husband left me because I was too much.  This was a few years ago and after that visit I slipped way back into depression.

I am happy today. You probably thought this was a sad post but after withdrawing yesterday I can see that my belief that I am too much has plagued me most of my life.  It is the source of my pain. I might be too much sometis and just like everybody else.  I can decide that I am who I am and way I was made. 

I can accept myself as I am and not worry how you might feel about me.  I always do my best even when it might not be good enough it is all I have.  As far as my sister saying I was too much for my active alcoholic husband well he was definitely too much for me in the end.  He could charm the world and come home to emotionally abuse me.  That was too much.

My gift to you is this holiday is to decide to take care of yourself.  See yourself as good enough to be taken care of physically as well as spiritually.  Eat well and lay off the carbs and fat is good for you.