Lizard Brain - Change

I feel change in the air and it is a little unsettling.  I think for the most part we want things to be the same and comfortable.  I have heard this called the lizard brain.  We want to relax and be free from worry and the way we do this is to imagine everything will stay just as it is today.  Our lizard brain wants us to get settled into a routine good or bad because change feels uncomfortable.

Right now I feel a little scared and excited because a few things that impact my daily routine.  We have an new person on our team. We are training her and she is bringing a new dynamic to our stagnant routine.  She is young and has opinions of her own and can see things with fresh eyes.  We are older and have encountered the limitations we have in our work life and have learned  to work with in the system.

It is nice to see the unstoppable nature of youth.  At her age I was setting the world on fire and didn't take no for answer.  This is her opportunity to buck the system and see if she make some changes. She doesn't have our history so she doesn't know why we have the limitations that we do. 

We get stuck and with time we learn to adapt to what is instead of what could be.  I think when you get older you realize that you have a limited amount of time and don't want to waste it stirring the pot. You want to get in and out as fast as possible so you can do what you want in your free time.

She is also an artist and studied art locally she gave me a name of a woman that is holding a great weekend workshop in September.  I signed up for it today. Change is good for getting things moving. I need a new personal life and I am trying to do that even if my lizard brain is nervous.

We are slow right now and have too much time on our minds. It is normal for the middle of summer but it feels weird to step off the roller coaster even for a few weeks. This is also puts my lizard brain on high alert. I want to be more comfortable with change and not see the unknown as possible pending doom.

Making changes - Fitting in - Not getting attached

Sometimes I can really get in trouble when I start analyzing my life.  I like being happy and I am really starting to get use to it.  I had a particularly unhappy week at work.  I lost my sense of peace.  This happens to me when I feel like I have put a lot of effort into something and it doesn't work out.  With work that means I didn't get a job that I have invested a lot of time in.

When I do my best and don't get too attached to people or outcomes I keep my peace. If I want something too much I feel a great loss when I don't  get it.  This is when my mind tells me I am not in the right job or even relationship.  I start comparing myself to others peoples outside success.  At work I have never thought of myself as a natural born salesperson.  I have to be authentic and when I am not it makes me feel bad some people appreciate this but the majority would prefer to be razzled and dazzled.

This is where I always feel like an outsider because I really am outsider.  I want to fit in but it feels dishonest to pretend I am something I am not. Customers bring their lives to the table and sometimes that it very stressful for me. Over the years I have learned not to get too attached to the outcome or the customer. I get too invested because I like them or because of the potential income from the job.

This just makes me feel trapped and desperate to close the deal.  Sometimes when I like someone too much and they do something that disappoints me I feel frustrated with myself for getting too involved.  I do feel like it is my fault because I can usually spot the people that mostly don't consider sales people as people. They don't appreciate the investment of time and energy that I put into the design process and it is only about the lowest bidder. 

What this week has shone me is that I need a fuller life outside of work.  I have put too many eggs in one basket and I need something more.  I love what I do creating new spaces for people and I mostly love the people I work for and with even if it sometimes doesn't work out. 

Yesterday I met with a woman who said to me "I have met with several people and I just kept coming back to you because you have a kind spirit."  The people that are nice and thoughtful never really get the attention they deserve and in this case I am talking about the customer not me.  The draining ones are the ones you remember and talk about.  It isn't right is it?

I have recovered from the week and made plans to visit a museum with a friend today instead working in the yard.  Trying to change things up a bit.  I also am planning on visiting a church in my neighborhood tomorrow.  I would like to get more involved in my community.  It is an denomination that is unlike my own upbringing but they seem open and friendly to all types of people from their videos on face book so we shall see.

Grabbing on to people or outcomes of any kind can only set you up for disappointments.  Also when you have a bad week and you feel unhappy it can give you the opportunity to step back and commit to making changes.  Even small changes can make you feel just a little bit more alive.

Left Behind

I met a woman yesterday that told me her husband left her after 35 years of marriage. She said her friends want her to just get over it.  She actually lives in my old neighborhood and I shared that I also had been left and that it takes a long time to get over idea of what you thought your life was going to look like.  He left her for another woman how shocking.

I have a lot to say about this topic.  I use to think that this was just bad people doing bad things or selfish people who really can't keep their promises.  Now I think that it is a lack of maturity and most people are looking for someone to fill the giant space inside we all carry.

Sadly the space is permanent and nothing or no one can fill that long term. Happy mature people know this and find ways to fill this space inside their promises. They see that being bored and feeling trapped is part of every one's life from time to time and you just have to find a way through it. 

In the middle years where chaos reigns and your just getting through the day you don't have time to think about your personal happiness. When the kids are older or for me when I found some success in my career it gives you a chance to look at where you are and the emptiness can surface. In our society of happily ever after we think out mate should be what makes us happy.

In my last relationship I could see this happening and I knew from experience that there was nothing I could do about it. I tried on several occasions to have the talk but I was dismissed. This was just like my first marriage avoid having grown up conversations about what wasn't working.  I just stayed busy until the solution of another woman solved everything.

It is the perfect solution for one person.  You can tell yourself you just made a mistake and you can start over an believe that you will never end up where you are now again. The boredom is certainly gone for at least a few years while you merge your life with someone else work out through all those issues.  No time to slow down and think.

I think the emptiness is always there and has to be filled by a lot of things.  I think for myself and the brain I was born with it needs a lot different  things to keep me from feeling bored and empty. I liked being in a relationship because it made me feel secure enough to pursue other interest.  It made me feel anchored and safe to just live.

I have been alone along time now and I have had to reached a point where I can be happy with who I am and know that sometimes I am going to be bored and restless.  I know that a relationship would not solve this for me and even if it did it would only be temporary.

I felt bad the that women whose husband left her and really understand what that feels like.  It is the  death of the dream that keeps us in grief so long.  We imagine our lives being a certain way and then we have to adapt to the new dream. If feels so overwhelming at first but eventually we see the dream was mostly in our minds and not our day to day reality.

Creativity - Enthusiasm - Getting things done

I took the long weekend off.  It was a surprise to me that with our rotating schedule that I could potentially be off for five days.  It is the best time to do this is around a holiday because few people are thinking about design while they are eating burgers and hot dogs with friends and family.

Since I am mostly solo these days I have been working on a few different projects.  First organizing my garage by hanging shelves and having a place to put all the plant stuff I am accumulating.  I want to make an attempt to grow plants from seed so I have save a few of the trays and little pots the annuals come in.  The question is will I do this or is this some fantasy that I have that I am a Monty Don in the making or in America Martha Stewart when she was doing everything.

I am a big idea person and I get so excited about something that I run out and buy what I need to do it and by the time I get home my enthusiasm is gone.  When I was young use to hate myself for this because all I could see around me was the unfinished projects.  It reminded me of the alcoholic in my life with grandiose ideas that never came to life or were left to me to finish.

I really don't like things undone or unfinished and this is also why back in the day I never started anything.  Once I was into to a project I just wanted to blow through it as fast as possible before I got bored with the whole thing.  This is why my job is perfect for me I can get excited about a project design something spectacular and turn it over to someone else to make it come to life.  I also like details so I know I have designed everything down to the last inch and it will work.

In my first marriage living with alcoholism I felt like I was always chasing my husbands big ideas. Once a friend gave him a bunch of wood from a deck they had torn down and he decided we were going to build a porch on to our mobile home. Did we know anything about attaching a porch to an aluminum structure.  Half way through it was abandoned.  After the divorce and a few houses later I sold that little mobile home and when they drug it off the lot the half built porch was still attached.

Today I don't really worry about finishing anything but my professional work.  Don't get me wrong I love looking at the "after" from the "before and after" more than most people do.  I relish in any kind of transformation of really anything.  My mind looks at something or someone and can see all the possibilities.  I really don't understand the limitations others put on life in general.

The creative spirit is a gift that has to be nurtured at all times.  When I get excited about something now and I run out and get supplies I don't beat myself up if I lose interest.  It is the anthem that I cherish now more than anything else.  It is that I can still find something that I am excited about.

I no longer analyze everything to death and take the joy out of my creativity.  I don't think of the thousand ways it won't work before investing my time and energy into something.  If it is an expensive project I do way out what I willing to invest and lose if in the end I hate it.

Right now I have three fish tanks that I would like to one into real tank with fish and the other two into elaborate terrariums. I know that I may not want to maintain any of these in the long run so do I want to make the effort and spend the money?  I am not like the guys on YouTube that this is their life to maintain these tanks and of course make videos about it.  It is their passion and I will never be them but the fantasy is there in my mind anyway.

I have been slowly working towards setting them up.  Looking at the lighting possibilities buying plants and getting new bulbs for the tanks.  The baby steps towards commitment.  I have made drawing of the plant tanks.  I want to build a rock wall with stones I already have.  I am getting juiced about it right now.  I can do this right?

My point is that sometimes it is the process and not the end result that is important.  The journey not the destination as they say.  I always hated that phrase because I thought "somebody has got to get things done."  I have accomplished a lot in my life and if you want something done just hand it over.

Being like that has earned me a lot of money but now I want to enjoy the moment more and savor the enthusiasm a new idea generates.  I am enjoying chasing the dream instead beating myself up for not getting it done.  In the end it is suppose to be fun and the thrill of finishing something doesn't last and then you got to find something else to do.