Forgiveness in 21 days - Freedom

I heard a teacher talk about forgiveness and the brain and how saying out loud the people that you still have angst against "I forgive you ____" will set you free.  Just like everything else this starts to sink in brain after 21 days. You get another path etched in your brain just like a new habit.  I have to admit that it feels fake. It reminds me of the slogan "fake it until you make it".  It does feel like it is working.

I have three people on this list and after a couple weeks of practicing this I can actually say their names without making comments afterward. One person in particular has been hard to forgive my stepmother. The other two are just my ex's and the venom is just not there anymore.  I was an adult and they were adults and the pain has passed.

My stepmother was the adult and I was the child.  She was vicious towards me and really everybody else. Every word that came out of her mouth was hateful never a kind word for anyone even now. I think the difference for me was that I was a child and I believed ever word she said about me well into my adulthood.  I stayed that fearful child never measuring up to her standards which became my standards. This is why childhood trauma is so hard to unto for most people. The child inside is still there in some capacity and still believes the words said back then.  

I couldn't understand why she disliked so much. I tried to be perfect in every way but "I was never enough".  I thought it was me that I was not lovable and took this with me through most of my life. In every relationship I felt I was not enough. Really in the end I was not enough for myself. I had to get that thought out my system.  Since I am analytical I can list reasons why this idea is true.  This is not a good combination and can cause a loop of negativity. 

I was surprised that my Dad wasn't on this list of forgiveness. I have forgiven him mainly because after our last meeting together I realized he did not have the ability to be more than he was. After a violent childhood where an angry father beat everyone into submission my dad and most of his siblings shut down and are still that way today. They are all kind and generous but show little emotion. This is how he survived.

I always longed for him to stand up for me when I was being verbally abused by my stepmother. I thought his silence meant that he didn't love me. My mother was dead and now my daddy obviously didn't think I was worth fighting for either.  He had a new family and I was disposable. I left at sixteen because I felt unloved and my position in the family was the maid and babysitter. My cleaning was inspected like I was in the military.

I know her life was not easy and she made a bad choice at an early age and married a man who left her while she was pregnant. She has never gotten over that and the last time I saw her she was still talking about how he left her.  I am sure even though she blamed him in her heart she felt that it was her fault.. Her mother moved in with her a strict woman with high standards the divorce was a disgrace.

I have to admit that I can say her name out loud without wincing. It is truly the last hurdle the child in me has to jump to be set free. The patterns made in my brain so long ago were deep and my belief in them just deepened their truth for me. Because I believed them it made them stronger. The brain goes to what is familiar the thoughts and beliefs we have always had. We have to replace those thoughts to move on. This is why we try to escape through addition which is also a familiar pattern. 

Twenty one days seems to be the magic number to create lasting habits and in this case forgiveness. I feel lighter even if I am just half way through at this point. She always represented evil to me. A person so hurt going through life spreading  that hurt to other people. Another slogan "hurt people hurt people" she isn't any different than my own dad damaged by her childhood and rejected by someone she thought would love her forever. I surely can relate to this. 

Try forgiveness for 21 days - You know who they are when you can't say their out loud without a little pain but you will get past it.  I have been an adult a long time now physically and spiritually but this last little act of forgiveness, maybe not so little, feels good. The child in me wants to hold a grudge but trust me now to do what is best for the both of us. We are ready to forgive it will set us free.