I attended a memorial yesterday for someone younger than me. This always gives you the chance to think about your own mortality and what will be said when you are gone. It is nice that everyone picks the best parts of the person that has moved on. The version of the truth that will be what we will remember.
I remember my own father's service and how everyone that spoke said he was like a father to them. Ironically he wasn't like a father at all to me and I resented every good word spoken about him. I didn't feel like I meant anything to him or even anyone in my own family. The indifference my family had for me was all done by Christians. This made me reject my own childhood teachings.
I found God again when I got into Al-Anon I liked that the the statement "a God of your own understanding" and "take what you like and leave the rest". These statements kept me coming back since in my heart I was angry at God. I could see how hypocritical it was for my family to be so active in the church yet not really care about one of their own family members. It felt like lip service to me.
I once said if my father was going to heaven I did not want to go. As I eased into Al-Anon I started to soften towards God. I was still a long ways away from even acknowledging Jesus as even existing as part of my past. The program is full people that have experienced the cruelty of religion and rejected by the people that were suppose to love them.
My first experience with trusting God was after my husband left. I was not making enough money to support myself. Being new to the program and lived by every word - I read in the daily readers. I trusted that the God of my own understanding would get me through this devastation. I had lost my earthly god to alcoholism and I was and empty shell without the energy to do anything myself.
I lived minute to minute in those days and unlike my former self I didn't make plans for the future. I was sad and exhausted and I surrendered to what ever came next. I had been beaten down by my situation and the fight in me had gone.
During that time I experience many daily miracles. First the company I worked for decided to give my position a salary adjustment to bring it up to the same position in other companies. Then I got a promotion to supervisor and these two things together gave a 30% raise. This never happens in corporate america. All the time I was barely able to get off the couch when I wasn't working. Now I had the income to pay my bills. With every miracle I became more grateful and started to heal.
I didn't necessarily pray but I just turned everything over to whatever or whoever was out there running the show because I certainly couldn't do it anymore. When I did things got worse.
Where am I now? I believe that each of us has a divine center and depending on what has happened to us this divine center is either enhanced or distorted. We either shine our light upon other people or we are like a cloak of darkness putting out light wherever we go. We must look at how life has changed us and get rid of the lies we believe that are hurting us and the people we say we love. We can be free to love without pretending that the other person is or was perfect. We can stop feeling superior or inferior to the people around us and live in daily peace.
Al-Anon taught me step by step how to live again. I loved that Al-Anon stressed anonymity not just because you needed to feel safe but because they didn't want your behavior to reflect badly on the group as a whole. This is what I was taught by my mother about being a true christian you won't need to tell people they will know by your actions. This is why I don't understand the hate going on in our own country and how churches can support it. Where is the love that Christ showed and taught during his time here.
I have returned to my roots and my childhood teachings. I can now separate the weakness of the messengers without throwing out the message. If the words speak to me and I feel encouraged by the those words then I feel it is from the God.
For me to forgive what my own family has done to me I have to know that they are imperfect just like me. I also have to forgive myself for believing what was said or in some cases not said. I never felt loved after the death of my mother. I chose people in my life that couldn't love me because I didn't feel I was lovable or deserved to loved. If my own family rejected me I must not be worth loving.
Over the years I have come to terms with those feelings and do now realize I am a child of God and therefore lovable. I can forgive the people in my past and I show myself the love I deserve whether I feel it from those around me or not. I am a whole person and today I am able to feel joy.
In the end no matter what is said at my own memorial if there is one it doesn't really matter. It is whether while on earth I could find joy and if I was able to leave here without resentments. If I can lead by example and trust only in a power greater than myself.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
Wonderful post, there is much to reflect upon. I recently heard someone say that once I could remove the face of my father from my Higher Power, my relationship with God could grow. That took so much time, the hatred for both kept on rising up. Today, like you, I feel loved by my Higher Power. That grace is sufficient to see me through the day. Glad you are finding your way through life. Thanks for sharing.
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