I am off this weekend which is nice but I don't have a clear plan of what to do with my time. I have a number of projects like usual but they all seem kind of daunting at this point. I also have outdoor projects but is is really hot and humid today and we just had a short rain shower which doesn't help.
I was texting back and forth with a young friend this morning she is getting ready to move into her first house. It is a property that her mother has owned as a rental for a few years. I don't know what the arrangement is long term but is seems pretty permanent. She hasn't had a steady anybody in a number of years since her relationship with an active alcoholic . I can totally get that.
You feel that you can't trust anyone and worse you can't trust yourself. My sponsor use to say "your picker is broken" she meant it in a humorous way but saying that just reinforced what I was thinking. I wanted to control everything back then and I my analytical brain worked hard to find a solution and correct the repeated mistakes I was making.
The second time around I thought I corrected my picking problem and it was by far a much better situation but still there was that underlying drinking problem. I will be the first to say I had some serious problems of my own or we wouldn't have been such a great match.
I was a caretaker and derived my self esteem from creating an atmosphere of comfort. It was more important for the people around me to be happy than my own happiness. I did this mostly in a stealth way where no one really knew all the small things I was doing. I have done this in all areas of my life because I just like for other people not to suffer.
The problem is that at some point along the line I get weary and resentful. I feel I am too far in to turn back and risk the disappointment of others. I would rather suffer myself than inflict it on other people. I can see that this is my pattern and I don't do it anymore which makes me feel guilty only sometimes. I am definitely not as popular as I use to be but I feel rested and happy.
I have learned that suffering can really make you grow so who am I to keep other people from growing. I know this is just another justification but it works for me.
My work is a substitute for catering to the needs of others and I get paid to do it. I do try to encourage anyone I come in contact with. It is rough out there right now and people are spending more time with themselves than ever and it is uncomfortable. We are creatures of habit and suddenly the things we counted on to distract us aren't there. The only solution is to keep moving and call someone at least once a day.
My picker has picked me at this point. I do think sometimes how nice it would be to share my life with someone but for now I am content to just live each day and be grateful. I know that we are all looking for someone to take care of us and this has made me popular in the past. I have loved well and with all my heart even if in the end it wasn't appreciated. I can appreciate myself now and the energy I invested in the people that I have shared my life with and that is enough.
No comments:
Post a Comment