Dark night of the soul - starting again - who am I now? exhausted

I wrote a post yesterday that didn't make the cut so here I am today.  I listened to a message today that I felt brought up some things for me.  It was really about suffering and the growth that occurs during suffering.  When I had my "dark night of the soul" a glamorous way of describing an emotional breakdown I had to decide where to go from there.

I wish I could describe the freedom I felt when I finally let go of the outcome of my situation and accepted my state of mind. I was trying so hard to not feel bad and trying to be the person I was before that I was exhausted day and night. I was barely operating and I was amazed the not too many people really noticed or maybe they did by mostly avoiding me.

When something rocks your world for me it was the loss of the life I thought I would have it can be too much. It manifests itself spiritually, physically and emotionally. It is a deep sadness that goes beyond emotion to the point of feeling nothing. 

The coping skills I used in the past didn't work anymore.  I couldn't be busy enough, work harder or even use the spiritual search to get through it this time. It terrified me and in the morning I would look in the mirror and did not recognize the person staring back at me.

I thought I was unique in this experience but this is a story of many spiritual seekers the absence of faith and what to do with this emptiness. The desperate need to be rescued when you are at your bottom and you feel abandoned by everything that feels familiar. Where are you God?

I didn't really have the strength to believe in anything. I had to just let go and quit trying or believing and I had to quit running. I remember the day it happened to me a calmness came over me. I surrendered to who I had become in that moment. I thought "okay this is who you are now so just accept it" I immediately felt relief from trying to fix myself. I started just walking through each day without expectation.

It was a long walk and it changed me forever. I am not the person I was before because I can see that all the things that I thought were important don't really matter. When I had dinner with my neighbor it made me realize I am no longer interested in seeking anything but peace. I am not looking for the for the meaning of life. 

All I could think was "I use to be that person but she is gone" I don't miss her because I know it was me that was seeking something more than those things and I have found that for myself. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger and happier if you let it. I had to stop trying not to feel bad it was the resisting that really hurt.  

The mind gets locked into "I don't want to feel this way" I rejected every part of my life during my dark night of the soul. I didn't take care of myself while I was resisting. When I let go I slowly came back to life and started to love and take of myself. I am changed forever and find it hard to relate to the things people worry about today but I know I am complete and whole from my experience. 

If you feel like you are alone in your sadness and suffering don't give up hope. It is in the struggle to remain the person you were before that drives the suffering. It is the running that drives addiction of all kinds. We have to stop running and turnaround and face the enemy in our thoughts. 

We have to face the false beliefs we have about ourselves and see them for what they are lies we have been listening to all our lives. It is our belief in these lies that keep us stuck and once we are stuck our minds just wants to go there. To a place that is familiar a suffering that is familiar. The thought that "I am broken and can't be fixed" this is where we feel the most comfortable. We can choose to be the past or we can choose to start again this moment and be who we want to be. 

Take what you like and leave the rest - A God of my own understanding - surrender

I attended a memorial yesterday for someone younger than me.  This always gives you the chance to think about your own mortality and what will be said when you are gone. It is nice that everyone picks the best parts of the person that has moved on.  The version of the truth that will be what we will remember.

I remember my own father's service and how everyone that spoke said he was like a father to them. Ironically he wasn't like a father at all to me and I resented every good word spoken about him. I didn't feel like I meant anything to him or even anyone in my own family. The indifference my family had for me was all done by Christians. This made me reject my own childhood teachings.

I found God again when I got into Al-Anon I liked that the the statement "a God of your own understanding" and "take what you like and leave the rest".  These statements kept me coming back since in my heart I was angry at God. I could see how hypocritical it was for my family to be so active in the church yet not really care about one of their own family members. It felt like lip service to me.

I once said if my father was going to heaven I did not want to go. As I eased into Al-Anon I started to soften towards God. I was still a long ways away from even acknowledging Jesus as even existing as part of my past. The program is full people that have experienced the cruelty of religion and rejected by the people that were suppose to love them. 

My first experience with trusting God was after my husband left. I was not making enough money to support myself. Being new to the program and lived by every word - I read in the daily readers. I trusted that the God of my own understanding would get me through this devastation. I had lost my earthly god to alcoholism and I was and empty shell without the energy to do anything myself. 

I lived minute to minute in those days and unlike my former self I didn't make plans for the future. I was sad and exhausted and I surrendered to what ever came next. I had been beaten down by my situation and the fight in me had gone. 

During that time I experience many daily miracles. First the company I worked for decided to give my position a salary adjustment to bring it up to the same position in other companies.  Then I got a promotion to supervisor and these two things together gave a 30% raise. This never happens in corporate america. All the time I was barely able to get off the couch when I wasn't working. Now I had the income to pay my bills. With every miracle I became more grateful and started to heal. 

I didn't necessarily pray but I just turned everything over to whatever or whoever was out there running the show because I certainly couldn't do it anymore. When I did things got worse.

Where am I now? I believe that each of us has a divine center and depending on what has happened to us this divine center is either enhanced or distorted. We either shine our light upon other people or we are like a cloak of darkness putting out light wherever we go. We must look at how life has changed us and get rid of the lies we believe that are hurting us and the people we say we love. We can be free to love without pretending that the other person is or was perfect. We can stop feeling superior or inferior to the people around us and live in daily peace. 

Al-Anon taught me step by step how to live again. I loved that Al-Anon stressed anonymity not just because you needed to feel safe but because they didn't want your behavior to reflect badly on the group as a whole. This is what I was taught by my mother about being a true christian you won't need to tell people they will know by your actions. This is why I don't understand the hate going on in our own country and how churches can support it. Where is the love that Christ showed and taught during his time here. 

I have returned to my roots and my childhood teachings. I can now separate the weakness of the messengers without throwing out the message. If the words speak to me and I feel encouraged by the those words then I feel it is from the God. 

For me to forgive what my own family has done to me I have to know that they are imperfect just like me. I also have to forgive myself for believing what was said or in some cases not said. I never felt loved after the death of my mother. I chose people in my life that couldn't love me because I didn't feel I was lovable or deserved to loved. If my own family rejected me I must not be worth loving.

Over the years I have come to terms with those feelings and do now realize I am a child of God and therefore lovable. I can forgive the people in my past and I show myself the love I deserve whether I feel it from those around me or not. I am a whole person and today I am able to feel joy. 

In the end no matter what is said at my own memorial if there is one it doesn't really matter. It is whether while on earth I could find joy and if I was able to leave here without resentments. If I can lead by example and trust only in a power greater than myself. 

Take what you like and leave the rest. 

 

My picker is broken - I have loved well - that is enough

I am off this weekend which is nice but I don't have a clear plan of what to do with my time.  I have a number of projects like usual but they all seem kind of daunting at this point. I also have outdoor projects but is is really hot and humid today and we just had a short rain shower which doesn't help.

I was texting back and forth with a young friend this morning she is getting ready to move into her first house. It is a property that her mother has owned as a rental for a few years. I don't know what the arrangement is long term but is seems pretty permanent. She hasn't had a steady anybody in a number of years since her relationship with an active alcoholic . I can totally get that.

You feel that you can't trust anyone and worse you can't trust yourself. My sponsor use to say "your picker is broken" she meant it in a humorous way but saying that just reinforced what I was thinking.  I wanted to control everything back then and I my analytical brain worked hard to find a solution and correct the repeated mistakes I was making. 

The second time around I thought I corrected my picking problem and it was by far a much better situation but still there was that underlying drinking problem. I will be the first to say I had some serious problems of my own or we wouldn't have been such a great match. 

I was a caretaker and derived my self esteem from creating an atmosphere of comfort. It was more important for the people around me to be happy than my own happiness. I did this mostly in a stealth way where no one really knew all the small things I was doing.  I have done this in all areas of my life because I just like for other people not to suffer. 

The problem is that at some point along the line I get weary and resentful. I feel I am too far in to turn back and risk the disappointment of others. I would rather suffer myself than inflict it on other people. I can see that this is my pattern and I don't do it anymore which makes me feel guilty only sometimes. I am definitely not as popular as I use to be but I feel rested and happy. 

I have learned that suffering can really make you grow so who am I to keep other people from growing. I know this is just another justification but it works for me. 

My work is a substitute for catering to the needs of others and I get paid to do it. I do try to encourage anyone I come in contact with. It is rough out there right now and people are spending more time with themselves than ever and it is uncomfortable. We are creatures of habit and suddenly the things we counted on to distract us aren't there. The only solution is to keep moving and call someone at least once a day. 

My picker has picked me at this point. I do think sometimes how nice it would be to share my life with someone but for now I am content to just live each day and be grateful. I know that we are all looking for someone to take care of us and this has made me popular in the past. I have loved well and with all my heart even if in the end it wasn't appreciated.  I can appreciate myself now and the energy I invested in the people that I have shared my life with and that is enough.

 

It isn't personal - coping with change - stuck in "why this is happening to me"

I am still working on my many projects at home and even creating more work for myself at every turn.  I did go to the office yesterday to turn in an order for a job. No one there and the receptionist said I was the first person to come through the doors at 11 AM.

Yesterday while at work I did have two calls one from an old customer and one from a customer wanting to start their project in June as scheduled.  This is encouraging and gave me hope that I will have work when this is over.  The other call was from one of my customers that I did a new kitchen for in 2017.

During the remodel his wife was diagnosed with MS and now they need to convert their master bathroom to be more accessible. I remember when I first met him how he was very assertive and was use to making every decision without anyone's input. We butted heads on a number of things and I finally convinced him to trust me. In the end they were very happy with the kitchen.

Life can really suck. Just when you think you have things figured out then "BAM" something just knocks you off your feet.  I wondered how much their life has changed since I last saw them and how they are managing with this illness. I will find out on Monday when I see them.

It is good we don't know the future or we would never get up in the morning. We can only work on a day by day basis and hope that we have the courage to just deal with what comes our way. I remember one year at our annual office Christmas luncheon I looked around the table and thought "I wonder who won't be at the table next year" it turned out to be me.  I was let go and in school the following Christmas.  You just never know.

What I know now that I haven't known most of my life is that "it isn't personal".  I thought that I caused every bad thing that happened to me.  God was punishing me because I was a bad person. I thought if I wasn't who I was that the outcome would have been different.  This idea kept me stuck is my own mind and in my own prison of asking myself "why did this happen to me".

It doesn't help that we live in a society that lives for "The Secret" or even the church of my childhood saying only bad things happen to bad people. Sinners are being punished for their sins.  When my mother died it was a shock to me because she was so good. Then the story changed to God needed her in heaven. My views on suffering have been centered around thinking everything is my fault.

The Bible says "rain falls on the just and the unjust" my words anyway.  I always thought I could analyze every bad thing that happened to me and prevent it from happening to me again. The trouble with that is that the next bad thing that happened wasn't what I was preparing for in the first place.

I have wasted my life with this kind of thinking. I don't think Pandemic was on my list of things to prepare for but here we are shutdown and dealing with it. Today I am just putting the future aside since I can't do anything else at the moment and working on my to do list.

Family - Our original tribe - War

It has been proven scientifically that when you spend time with a person or group of people that your brain chemistry starts to change to match each other while you are together.  This is why when people gather in large groups who already have similar ideas about things can be powerful.  This is why religions through out history called people to come together as an act of commitment to their beliefs..

Even in smaller groups we take on the outlook of the people we are traveling with through life.  The day to day similarity makes us feel like we belong to something our tribe. It isn't acceptable for someone with different ideas to join unless they are planning to assimilate.  There is strength in numbers and if someone doesn't get on board they will be pushed out.

I was listening to an interview with Byron Katey yesterday. For me she really has the answer to mental suffering and it is pretty simple. But that is a different post.  Yesterday she said "when you think someone is wrong it it just because they do not agree with you."  This assumes we are somehow superior in our own beliefs and ideas. She calls this "war".

During the holidays some people end up spending a lot of time with there family. This is when our differences tend to come up.  These people might be our original tribe but now we have moved on and found our own tribe in our everyday life. It makes us feel unsettled that the people we spent our early years with are not like us and and we want to take this one day to try to change them.

With my own family they live in a different world than I do.  Do I think they are wrong? I think they mean well and are passionate about their own beliefs and it is not my responsibility to convert them to mine. If I am pressed I am happy to let them know my own beliefs.

On my recent visit I saw a lot of pain and suffering mostly caused by fear.  Fear of crime and all those people out to get them. Ironically they all live way out in the middle of no where and the likelihood of any of those things happening to them is remote. The mind is always looking for something to do and leans towards fear and negativity.

When I am with my family I imagine that  my own presence of love and acceptance will have an influence on them. It is hard see them suffering but I understand it because I have suffered myself.

Let's face it we all live alone in our heads or with those nasty characters we have created to live with us.  We don't know what is in some one's head or heart we can only bring love and acceptance to the table and be the strong force that makes an impression. This is better than war.

I am spending Christmas alone and happy this year.  I can make a big deal about this or I can enjoy my solitude and know that I am loved from a distance by my original tribe. I have learned how to let myself be happy where ever I am. Merry Christmas.

Depression - Fighting Back - Lies I told myself

My friend who is going through a bout of depression and grief called me yesterday and wanted to spend the night.  It is a good weekend for me since I am off today and tomorrow.  I want to help but not feel responsible for her.  We talked a lot about what she is thinking and saying to herself.  I know all those thoughts intimately since I experienced them myself and really couldn't convey to other people the total lack of feelings I had for life or anything in general.

It was like going down memory lane for me and I showed her the cartoon by Hyperbole - Depression - Part I and II.  Until I saw this cartoon I thought that what I was feeling was unique to me the lack of desire or even sadness virtually no feelings at all.  Until the point of feeling nothing I had longed to stop being sad and stop crying until there was nothing. Nothing felt like a relief at first and then it stayed so long I didn't want to live anymore.  The idea of doing something about that thought seemed like too much work.

A wanted so bad to be somewhere else or really to be someone else.  I wanted a different life somewhere in the future.  I wanted time to just move on.  As long as I wanted something else I stayed stuck. It was only when I finally gave in and just laid in the nothingness and accepting that this was my life that I started to feel better.  I stopped beating myself up for not being someplace else.

I should have gone to the doctor but I didn't have real insurance and didn't want to pay out of pocket. It was the recession and I felt like I couldn't afford to pay for it.  I was at the lowest place in my life and my judgment was bad. 

I am not against medication I do think that sometimes it dulls people down so that the real issues don't get a chance to come to the surface.  With my friend I keep these opinions to myself. She is grieving ending a 25 year relationship and starting over.  This is the first holiday solo and that is always harder than you think it will be. They have her on many meds at this point.

I have suffered a lot and I have also learned a lot from my suffering. I am happy and free today for the first time I don't feel like I need to work on myself.  I just feel like I can enjoy the day as a whole and complete person.

We are naturally self - absorbed and being depressed can magnify that to a point that you are living in a bubble and for me I really didn't want anyone trying to break that bubble.  Every suggestion or idea that someone had for me my mind rejected.  I had to find my way out of the darkness sort our the lies I was telling myself about the mistakes I had made in the past or the idea that I wasn't lovable.

I had to fight back and start being my own Prince Charming and love and take care of my own needs.  You need to be healthy to attract healthy.  You need to be healthy to be free and happy with the life you have been given.  I can love myself now whether anyone else loves me or not.

I feel strong enough to emotionally be there to support my friend without taking on her sadness. It was grace and hard work that brought me back from the darkness and I hope she will find her way. 

Sisters - Sorting thing out - love - conflict

I was taking ice out of ice trays a few minutes ago and remember a funny story about me and my older sister.   On steamy hot southern days I would intentionally wait for my sister to get up and make herself a glass of ice tea and then I would say "please can you make me one too" knowing with my parents sitting there she wouldn't be able to refuse me.

Back then in our house we didn't have an ice maker just those metal trays with a handle that you pulled to break the ice open.  I wasn't really strong enough to pull the frozen arm to get the ice out but that wasn't why I ask her to do it for me.  She hated me we were four years apart and I was a thorn in her side.  At first she was my idol I thought everything about her was perfect and from the outside it seemed true.  Mother mother constantly raved about her.  She had perfect attendance - straight "A's" - she kept her room in perfect order and she never got dirty.

Of course when your eight you don't realize there is a big difference between being eight and twelve. I viewed myself as a problem inferior to her in every way.  I tried so hard but I couldn't be like her it was too hard for me.  I finally let go and decided to not try at all.  It was a relief but I took something away from that decision.  I believed that because I wasn't perfect like her that I wasn't smart.

This thought was based on our years in school compounded by the death of my mother.  I had this belief despite the successes I had once I left school. Even working fast food in while still in high school they wanted to get an age exception so I could be a supervisor. In truth after I decided that being perfect like my sister was impossible for me I never applied myself in school. 

My dad and stepmother were happy to discourage me from college so it didn't cost them anything. It isn't that important in traditionally southern families that girls go to college.  My mother went to college and would have freaked if she had known they weren't making me go.

I made a success of my life becoming the youngest VP in a mortgage company of 1,000 people.  I still have those congratulations letters.  I still felt like a fraud because I didn't have the education that other people had. When I lost my job after 13 years I felt like I was found out.

At 40 I decided to do the one thing I had never done go to college. I always tell people I went back to school but really I went for the first time. I tested out all the remedial English courses but the math I had to start from scratch.  I did it with those punky eighteen year old students.  I had an advantage I wanted to be there and enjoyed every minute.  I got my degree with a 4.0 average because nothing else was acceptable.

I have had a good life with the work ethic both my parents taught me.  My sister is a lawyer but after my mother died she lost her shine and never really regained her love for this world. My mother was a great force in our lives and without her and my dad distracted by his new family we barely made it. Suffering has been the norm for both of us and we accepted early on that nothing in life comes easy.

We both love our work and it has been the one consistent thing in our lives.  She seems really happy now that she has grandchildren and her love for work is wavering.  Now she is thinking she only needs to do the work of two people instead of three.  I am happy for her.

We talk a few times a week when she can squeeze me in coming home late from work. She is always surprised how alike we are but we did have the same mother even if  her influence lasted four more years than mine.

I think our  mother would have been proud of us both.  Of course my sisters traditional life would have met her approval for sure. With me she had to accept very early that I had my own ideas about things and without a logical presentation of the facts to show otherwise those ideas would not be changed.  I preferred punishment to giving in if I thought I was right.

I still believe no human has all the right answers all the time.  We have a right to question what we are being told and even what we tell ourselves. We have to look at the motive behind the words. It isn't easy to go against the majority or long entrenched doctrine but it is important to look at whether those ideas are hurting people.

If you alienate someone it is unlikely you will convince them you are right.  You have to give people love and space to decide for themselves. I always loved the program phrase "attraction not promotion" it gave me the opportunity to figure out my own path.  In church they taught us "let your little light shine" I think this is the same thing.

My sister and I have a worked things out between each other.  She no longer sees me as the brat that forced her to serve me ice tea on those hot summer days.  I am only sad that we had to suffer separately our whole lives when we are so much alike. 
 

Ordinary Day - Wishing for future happiness - suffering

Not much has changed here I had a busy six days at work and spent yesterday in the yard.  The front is really finished but I planted some impatiens that were suppose to be sun worthy but were suffering so I moved them yesterday to a more shady spot. I replaced them with bright pink ehinacea plants.

I am glad to have something I am excited about.  This can be an issue when you get older and more peaceful. You have done a lot of things and even the things you haven't done you know that once you do them you will have to find the next thing to fill your time.  Even vacations will be over as the time passes by and when you come home began each day again. 

You could embellish your time away to others or to yourself just to make your normal life more bearable or you could just enjoy your life the way it is and look for the joy it offers each day. Getting away can renew your spirit but it doesn't solve day to day suffering.  In my experience spending concentrated time with people you already have unspoken issues with can make you wish you were back at work.

This sounds sad but it isn't meant to be.  It is just about seizing the day for what it is an not trying to get to some day in the future where things are different. We wish things were different than they are now and know that perfect day is out there somewhere.

When you are living in a crisis whether that is addiction, sickness or lack you can't wait to get past it.  I get that for sure I have lived with all of those things and I suffered most when I was wanting to be someplace else.  Someplace far in the future where this wasn't happening to me.

Today I am grateful that I can just in enjoy the day I have and not wish for happiness in the future. I will see where I can find joy in this ordinary day.

Writing -Symbolism - Passion - Spark

I started a new creative writing class at the local college last week.  The teacher was just what you might imagine a writing teacher might look like older heavy set and looking like he probably smokes a pipe and hangs out with other writers too many nights a week at the local pub.  He spent most of the time name dropping about a local famous writer he knows and what they discuss about writing ending the evening telling us the sacrifices we we would have to make to become a good writer.

During the middle of the evening he gave us examples of terrible writing mistakes his students have made and even one that self published and didn't take his advice and the novel flopped. I felt bad for him because it was clear that maybe life hasn't turned out like he imagined it would or maybe it did. 

As an adult and getting a degree at 40 I encountered a lot of unhappy teachers just like when I was in high school some that inspired and some that read the newspaper everyday during class.  A good teacher can inspire you like my high school literature teacher Mrs. Myers she taught me about symbolism.  Being raised by fundamentalist I had know idea that writers could be using symbolism and the stories could mean a lot of different things. We translated Ray Bradbury's - Something Wicked this Way Comes - it was like solving a puzzle.  I still have that same book.

I love that words can make you think and question the truth you have carried in your mind all your life. When I read Scott Pecks - A Road Less Traveled where he talked about the Bible and all the symbolism I decided to take a second look at Christ's teachings.  Before that I had abandoned my childhood religion thinking I would never be able to live up to those strict standards.

As far as my teacher goes I am going back tonight with our homework.  This is a list of our strengths number 12 - 1 in our ability to write.  I of course I do not buy into his idea of suffering for the word or for anything else.  You make commitments to things or people you are the most passionate about and sometimes those passions can wane and the excitement just isn't there this is when the commitment keeps you going until something sparks the passion again.

Everything and everyone I love in life started out passionately a feeling that is impossible to maintain.  You can abandon it all and begin again losing the time an energy invested to skip off to something or someone more interesting or you can stick with it until a moment when you feel that spark again.

Sometimes you just have to get away from things or even people you love to get a different perspective.  The holidays gave me an opportunity to step back from my work.  I have to admit I do love it but it has taken over my life.  When I had extra time off I decided to try harder to do things outside of work like taking this class.  I have also been working on a few other projects around the house.  I have been a lot happier and even more inspired at work so it must be working.

I am looking forward to class tonight even though he was a Debbie Downer.  I took the class to force me to spend more time writing.  Wish me luck. 

Sisters - Love and Hate

I spoke to my sister yesterday giving her the belated birthday wish. I thought about it once on Friday and opted to call her when I got to work which was a mistake. Neither of us keep up with those kind of things and rely on non family to celebrate or existence. I use to really want that to change but wanting it and having it are two different things. We both have created different live for ourselves and we both have seemed to accept this.

We are four years apart and during our childhood I was basically a boil on her butt. She was my idol for a long time until I realized she hated me. Maybe hate is a strong word but I don't think it was far off. I ruined her only child life. She was on her way to being a prodigy when I her younger brother showed up. I was suppose to be a boy and got that message pretty early.

The truth was it wasn't far off I hated most girl things while my sister represented all things perfectly precious in our family. She never got dirty and practiced the piano two or more hours each day. She had straight A's all the way through law school. Her only soiled grade was PE in high school and she cried. The number of books she brought home each day equaled the number I checked out from the library for summer reading.

She did a lot things to hurt me when my mother was alive. She told lies about me that got me punished. Once she threw away a small wooden guitar that she made during Vacation Bible School and I retrieved it from the trash. She told my mother I stole it from her room.  I got a whippin for that and obviously I never forgot it.

Being the first born she never had it easy. The piano practicing stemmed from my mother's desire to be a concert pianist. The grades really were just expected and part of the complete package. In her room everything had a specific place and her drawers were labeled. She kept it locked most of the time and she had to use a Bobbie pen to enter each time. This starter after the guitar incident or did I have my own Bobbie pin?

I had groovy beads in my doorway and had convinced my dad to remove my door completely. I think my mother was good with this because she had my sister to beam over. I of course wasn't that into approval mostly because I could never live up to the perfection of my sister. My room was pack to the rafters andmy walls were covered with black light posters. I regular rearranged my five pieces of furniture because I was bored with things always being the same. I did that last weekend.

I would like to say that after my mother died my sister and I grew close but the intensity grew worse hitting a high or low point depending upon your perspective when she was throwing my things down the basement stairs and I said "one more thing goes down those stairs and you will follow."

That was the turning point for us and she stopped trying to pull rank on me. I was young and never understood why she hated me so much. After moms death there was just the three of us and my dad was checked out with grief. He wasn't paying the bills. She assumed head of household and her desire for control escalated to a point that called for war.

We did join together once briefly when my stepmother started her own special ops campaign which made Cinderella's stepmother seem compassionate. That was her last summer home and we have never been close since.

It hasn't been easy for her and after my mothers death she had a breakdown of sorts herself. She lost the desire to be perfect without my mothers expectations. She really went the opposite. I once tried to get in her car and couldn't find the seat. I ended up just sitting on the trash and papers. She doesn't iron and puts her makeup on without a mirror.

Loss changed us all. I remember going into my childhood room one day and raking everything into the trash. The person I had been was gone at ten I was all grown up and needed a change.

I love my sister and she loves me. We have both found our own successes in life and a place in the middle of extremes. She accepts me and my liberal spiritual beliefs and I accept her need to keep me at a distance. She has a lot of fear about the future and is concerned that something terrible is going to happen. She is right but that is true whether we worry or not.

I can see now that she has had her own suffering the same as me.  I couldn't really have compassion for anyone while I was lost in my own hurt. A child's hurt. It is clear to me now and I am seeing the truth of my life for the first time. I have been lost but now I am found.

Just me - Just today - Living without a story

I am at the old office today. It feels weird being here. I met with my final customer and told them I was leaving. They said they would follow me where ever I went. How nice.

I am feeling good about moving on. My ego has shut up about the selling out thing. Who cares everything is exactly as it should be. I can change my mind and do something different at anytime.

I am letting go of the story in my head. The one that included a long relationship with my partner and building a stumbling business into a thriving business. It was mostly in my head and not likely to ever turn out that way in real life.

If I could tell anyone the one thing that has changed my life the most it would be this. Give up your story. The story in you head of how things should have been and the story in your head of how things should be. It didn't happen  and will never happen exactly the way you thought it would or should so you got to get over it.

We suffer because real life never matches the stories we have in our head. This is why we never see things as they are and are devastated when something doesn't work out. Life isn't like the movies or at least the ones where everything goes as planned.

I went into deep depression because my life didn't match the story in head. What was worse is the years it did kind of match I was miserable too. When I realized I had no idea what would make me happy since it wasn't what I thought would make me happy my mind totally froze.

I couldn't move on because I was afraid and wasn't sure which way to go. I stayed stuck afraid I was going to make a mistake.

The depression lifted. What changed is I finally accepted that I knew nothing. I stopped pretending to know what I needed to do to make myself happy. I sat there for as long as it took. I was no longer the person I imagined I was or would be in the future. I let go of the idea that I would ever be the person I was again.

Pretty bleak stuff, I know, I was living it.

I don't know anything. That is what saved my life. I accepted that it was beyond my power to be any where but where I was for as long as it took. I had to stop caring about how long it was going to take to get better.

Today I am free because my happiness doesn't depend on whether real life matches the story in my head. I try not to have a story and if I do I try not to make my happiness dependant upon it. My story today is more flexible and can be adjusted on a day by day basis.

I have boiled my story down to just me just today.

Letting Go-Just Sleep On It

The other day I saw a pickup truck transporting a mattress folded in half. I had to laugh because it reminded me of once in my 20's my husband and I were given a mattress and we folded it and put it in the hatch back of my car. We were excited about having something new, we were so broke at the time and sleeping on a mattress furnished by the landlord. What we didn't realize is that the fold was permanent. We were miserable we tried both sides one way we rolled towards each other and the other we had to hold on for dear life. We slept like a burrito for about a year when we finally bought a water bed (this was the 80's). We were young and didn't realize the importance of a good nights sleep. It was free and we were determined to make it work. I thought about how long we suffered before we decided we were ready to let it go.

Today's meeting at the beach was about letting go, this seems to be an on going theme for me right now. How long am I willing to suffer now before I let go? That depends on how bad I want things to go my way. Someone said at lunch today that they get trapped in the question of whether they have done all the necessary foot work before letting go. I could relate to that and how many times I think maybe I should do just one more thing before I give it to God. Does he really need my help? Today I am choosing to let it go and not to sleep on it.