Confronting the past - our unique fears - denial is coping - forgiveness

One of my favorite bloggers seems to be missing along with all his comments.  I hope everything is alright.  Over the years many bloggers have drop off but usually with some kind of farewell explanation.  In life everything runs its course and maybe it is just his time. 

I was painting my deck yesterday and pulling weeds today and had time to think.  I did sleep long and hard last night and got up this morning and gathered my thoughts.  I have been reading my mother's Bible mainly because I have be looking through family pictures and thinking of her.  I will say this is the same Bible that she taught me to read with.  It is not translated other than in English to bring it up to more modern standards. We read a chapter every night and I was particularly fond of the "verily - verily I say unto you" parts.

Don't stop reading because I mention the Bible. I have been treated badly by people who professed to be God fearing Bible lovers and I chunked the Bible out along with them a long time ago.  Anything that represented what those people said they believed in was off limits. Today know that it isn't all or nothing. 

What Al-Anon did for me in my early 30's was to find the God of my own understanding. It was good start for me realizing it was up to me to come to terms with how I was treated and establish the God of my own understanding. I didn't really trust my childhood God because he took my mother and replaced her with one of the most selfish unloving people on the planet. With that I lost the rest of my family because I could not tolerate the hypocrisy of those who professed to be Christians.

Of course this is totally my problem. I was never great at pretending things are one way when it is obvious that they are totally another.  I say that when I lived with bold face alcoholism and totally ignored it until it was too late and it had destroyed my own confidence and my marriage. I am no different than anyone else when it comes to denial or living in a fantasy.

Some many things in this world are hurtful and sometimes devastating and denial is how we survive. When something rocks our world we find other people that think like us and huddle together chanting our own beliefs until the storm passes. There is a lot of this going on right now on both sides.

Sometimes individually we break from the group because we know that no one could possibly understand how we are suffering because it feels too personal. For me I broke away because I felt that I couldn't possibly put the burden of my pain on another human. This left me alone to find the strength within and to rely on something greater than myself. 

This is the point of God or whatever you believe in that doesn't depend on you to have the answers. I have found strength in ultimately letting go of everything I ever believe to be true. With letting go my life began to flow again. Every difficult thing I faced was resolved without my tight grip on it. I let go of my idea of the way things had to be and received peace. Nothing even now seems to move when I have an agenda. I have tested this over and over with every part of my life and it is always true. 

I know that forcing a solution on my terms never works. Turning my will over to a power greater than myself is humbling and freeing. My thoughts and prayers over any situation without demanding a certain outcome can result in a literal miracle.  Sometimes leaving me thinking "I never imagined that as a solution to the problem". 

I am not afraid of my past anymore or the God that I was raised with. I can read the Bible without attaching what people have to done to me in his name. People are flawed.  I am flawed and everyday I have to live with my own humanness and walk in faith that I haven't done too much damage. 

I have done my best just like everyone else.  I have ask for forgiveness from my God the universe and from myself. I have hurt myself the same as I have hurt other people along the way. Just as I offer forgiveness to them I can offer it to myself. It may not seem like it but we all live in fear and this causes us to react in unique ways based on our own past. 

Today I am feeling peace and for that I am grateful. 

 

Mind Control - embracing your ugly side - fear - I can change

Mind control is always at the top of the list of things I work on daily. It is of course my own mind that I am controlling.  I use to think the it was unique something I was born with and had to cope with even if it made me unhappy a lot of the time.  Science use to say that you were who you were basically after the age of five years but now they have found the brain to be more plastic.

All is takes is a little change to create new pathways in the brain even something as small as using a different foot to start climbing stairs. Taking a different route to work or trying to write with your other hand. None of these things are easy because the brain is efficient and wants the same path as always the more things on auto pilot the better.  We are geared this way so we are free to watch out for predators hiding in the bushes. When we make changes it takes all our focus until we get a new path laid. 

This is like the best news ever to me that I don't have to just live with who I am warts and all.  I can choose everyday to lay aside the ideas I have about myself that don't work for me anymore to embrace the day and all it has to offer me. 

I often hear my co-worker say "I am too old to learn that now" when I regularly show her shortcuts on the computer that would make her job easier but she isn't interested.  This is what we have be taught basically that your maxed out an you should just settled down and wait for the end. 

The voice in our heads are just well laid paths that started early and feel permanent because we repeat them to ourselves over and over. We have the power to change them.

Early on with Al-Anon I learned to listen to that voice that told me I was a victim of this life. I started to hear the self talk that kept me from being happy with who I was and I learned to stop listening. The next step over the years was to to address that scared unhappy child within. She was bored or stressed about the future and really wanted to be comforted and assured that we would be alright.

Now days I just assure her that we have handled many things and that together we will be alright. It is okay to acknowledge fear or for me acknowledge boredom these feelings won't kill me. Sometimes when I am stuck in for longer that feels comfortable I tell myself "this is just one day and tomorrow I will feel different".  It is the running from the feeling that makes me feel bad like being chased by a tiger.

Just sitting with the feeling and trying to soak it up makes it dissipate because it can't eat you. It is the pushing back and the thinking "I will always be like this" that pull you under. It is waking up the next morning a project another day of more of the same that keep you stuck. Setting your intentions.

I can't end this post without addressing the food factor in all of this. What we eat everyday gives our brains either protection or poison. We need protein and fat to lubricate the brain to be able to make good decisions.  When I was depressed my favorite foods were chips and salsa - Macaroni and cheese - or a brownie every night. These things made me comatose and numbed my pain. Keeping wanting more.

I wanted death at the time so I really couldn't care for myself. I only voiced this to a close friend every once in a while they thought I was joking. I am a strong person and from the outside it appears I don't need or want any help. There are a lot of us out there who are more comfortable supporting other people but we are human too and a kind word or a thank you would go along way. It might be an awkward moment but it will pass. Thank someone today for just being there for you.. 

I can control my mind - I am not a victim

I feel at peace today even if the sky is cloudy and I was wishing for the sun. It is cool here which is helpful since my air conditioning isn't work yet.  The second guy they sent wasn't too happy that the new part didn't work. He told me "this happens all the time - do you think I want to go up in your attic a third time?"  

Every job has parts that suck no matter how great the job is that is why they call it work.  He seemed pretty unhappy overall.  He shared with me that his roommate's new girlfriend stole 150 dollars out of his room. He caught her there and told his roommate who didn't believe him and told him to move out. Luckily his sister has a big house so he moved there this week.

I thought there is a story there at his age ending up with a roommate. Although I didn't prompt the discussion he said he didn't have a problem with alcohol even though when he was a child his Sicilian grandparents gave him wine every time he saw them. He said he had started smoking after he had stopped for four years and this is the only time he likes to drink.

He is probably coming back Monday with a replacement part. I am not sure why he brought all of this up maybe he knew I could here him cursing and screaming in the attic.  

The mind is hard to control I lived most of my life thinking life was happening to me. I was a victim of my circumstances and there was nothing I could do about it. I spent all my energy bracing myself for the next tragic thing to happen and I was never disappointed.  I talked about my woes to whoever would listen and repeated my victim-ship to myself over and over. The voice in my head keeping me constantly sad or outraged over my circumstances.

It wasn't until I realized that I was doing this to myself. The program helped m to see that it was my own story that repeated to myself over and over that kept me from having a different story.  The program says "no victims just volunteers".  This would make me so mad in the beginning. I felt comfortable not taking responsibility for my own situation and feeling sorry for myself.

It doesn't help that this is the way the brain works. We are wired to go towards negative first so we can prevent bad things from happening the next time.  It also likes repetition and goes down the most familiar and deepest path it is less work. When I am sad I think about _____________ and then it reminds me of when things we great and life didn't suck life it does now. Of course even our memories are hijacked by the brain smoothing out all those rough edges we don't want to acknowledge.

Looking through my life's pictures behind my own smiling face I could tell you some really awful stuff going on.  My mind prefers to make those times something they weren't. The difference in who I am now is that I know it was just life and hard times.  It is only when I believed it was just happening to me that I felt like it was my fault. This is mostly because I have an analytical mind that believes there is a solution for every problem. I can think my way out of this.

The solution to being a victim is to replace these thoughts with something else. For me I had to first acknowledge that the person inside my head was really negative and didn't seem to like me very much. I tried to reason with her but she just kept hurling insults at me no matter what. I finally had to consciously tell her to shut up. This was war for a long time until I was able to see that the child inside me was just scared that we weren't going to make it. 

I couldn't let on that she might be right so I assured her that we could do it. I started reading non stop to anything that gave me positive encouragement.  Mantras - slogans from the program - daily readers - spiritual books - even horoscopes - Anything that gave me encouragement to keep going. Over time all these things started to re-write my thinking. 

I became friends with myself and forgave the child in me for being stuck so long. I had to forgive myself for living life thinking that I caused these things to happen to me. That there was something about me that made me unlovable from the beginning. I had to take responsibility for loving and encouraging myself into happiness. No one outside of me could make feel secure.

Today I am on the maintenance plan.  First I guard my mind from anything negative as much as I can. I feed myself with healthy foods that make my mind clearer. Instead of heading for a carb comma like I use to and now I sleep a regular schedule so I can be my best. I take care of myself instead of waiting for other people to show that I am worthy of being taken care of. 

All great beliefs and spiritual practice use these same ideas woven through them. Believing and being with people are looking for something positive or comforting to share can promote peace. Taking care of your body and your mind realizing they are same thing is truly loving. Believing in a power greater than ourselves to give us the strength and discipline to take our lives back it really the only answer.  

  

Choosing happiness - Living with what is real

I am feeling a little down the past few days like I am caught in some sludge moving at a snails pace. I had some news yesterday that didn't help after having some trouble with my ac it turns out I need a new motor.  This wasn't expected since the unit isn't that old. I am not sure at this point whether it is in warranty period we are talking a couple of thousand. 

I also went to the dentist and they want to do some work there to which is evasive and costly. I feel a little deflated at this point but I am grateful that I have the means to do both of the these things. It will slow down my saving plan but that is what saving is for isn't it. A rainy day which is what a lot of people are experiencing right now. 

It doesn't help that I started a weight lifting routine this week and have felt like I was in a car accident. It shows me that I really need to get into shape. I am grateful that physically I don't have any real problems since I have changed my diet and I have committed to increasing my stamina with weights.

The limitations we put on ourselves are in our mind. Planted by the media both the good and the bad it has shaped us in ways we will never really know. It gives us the idea that if you are older you are limited in what you can do physically. There are a lot of women over 60 defying that notion - sculpting there bodies in ways that no one could image was possible. This good media. 

I was raised on TV with my mother sick no one monitored the hours I spent there. TV was what kept me busy when no on had time for me. It made me believe in a world of happiness and sunshine that never really existed. When I couldn't find it I blamed myself thinking I had done something wrong. I tried even harder and when things went right I thought I was doing something right but it never lasted and then I went back to blaming myself again.

I thought I controlled the happiness in my life even though I always felt like something bad was lurking in the shadows and I was right. What I didn't realize was that life consist of ups and downs all the time. Everyone has there sadness to bear and it is how you face those trials that makes the difference. 

I have found happiness not like those TV movies on Hallmark where everyone is happy with great jobs and the perfect mate but in enjoying the day that is before me. I can choose not to waste it. To pay attention to what is happening today and find peace and joy. 

There is a lot of good things in my life and for that I am grateful and luckily the weather is perfect and I don't need my ac this week while I am getting this sorted out.