Mind Control - embracing your ugly side - fear - I can change

Mind control is always at the top of the list of things I work on daily. It is of course my own mind that I am controlling.  I use to think the it was unique something I was born with and had to cope with even if it made me unhappy a lot of the time.  Science use to say that you were who you were basically after the age of five years but now they have found the brain to be more plastic.

All is takes is a little change to create new pathways in the brain even something as small as using a different foot to start climbing stairs. Taking a different route to work or trying to write with your other hand. None of these things are easy because the brain is efficient and wants the same path as always the more things on auto pilot the better.  We are geared this way so we are free to watch out for predators hiding in the bushes. When we make changes it takes all our focus until we get a new path laid. 

This is like the best news ever to me that I don't have to just live with who I am warts and all.  I can choose everyday to lay aside the ideas I have about myself that don't work for me anymore to embrace the day and all it has to offer me. 

I often hear my co-worker say "I am too old to learn that now" when I regularly show her shortcuts on the computer that would make her job easier but she isn't interested.  This is what we have be taught basically that your maxed out an you should just settled down and wait for the end. 

The voice in our heads are just well laid paths that started early and feel permanent because we repeat them to ourselves over and over. We have the power to change them.

Early on with Al-Anon I learned to listen to that voice that told me I was a victim of this life. I started to hear the self talk that kept me from being happy with who I was and I learned to stop listening. The next step over the years was to to address that scared unhappy child within. She was bored or stressed about the future and really wanted to be comforted and assured that we would be alright.

Now days I just assure her that we have handled many things and that together we will be alright. It is okay to acknowledge fear or for me acknowledge boredom these feelings won't kill me. Sometimes when I am stuck in for longer that feels comfortable I tell myself "this is just one day and tomorrow I will feel different".  It is the running from the feeling that makes me feel bad like being chased by a tiger.

Just sitting with the feeling and trying to soak it up makes it dissipate because it can't eat you. It is the pushing back and the thinking "I will always be like this" that pull you under. It is waking up the next morning a project another day of more of the same that keep you stuck. Setting your intentions.

I can't end this post without addressing the food factor in all of this. What we eat everyday gives our brains either protection or poison. We need protein and fat to lubricate the brain to be able to make good decisions.  When I was depressed my favorite foods were chips and salsa - Macaroni and cheese - or a brownie every night. These things made me comatose and numbed my pain. Keeping wanting more.

I wanted death at the time so I really couldn't care for myself. I only voiced this to a close friend every once in a while they thought I was joking. I am a strong person and from the outside it appears I don't need or want any help. There are a lot of us out there who are more comfortable supporting other people but we are human too and a kind word or a thank you would go along way. It might be an awkward moment but it will pass. Thank someone today for just being there for you.. 

Changing - Giving up what seems natural

I am in a good space working on my yard.  I feel balance mentally, spiritually and physically.  I am still giving all the credit to the Keto diet.  I don't remember feeling this good except when I was in love.  New love anyway.  How can that be?

Our whole lives are geared towards eating. Maybe the memories we have of our mother's making special meals for us. The relationships that grew over eating meals together.  I have a lot of those first at my Al Anon mother's house in my thirty's.  We had big parties and the two of us worked together alone in the kitchen.  Something I didn't have with my own mother.

I then moved on to my adopted family.  My ex's family and a few of my Al-anon friends that migrated with me.  I cooked with love and after many years finally felt at home.  After ten years I felt relatively safe as long as I kept doing what I was doing.  That was the deal even though never said it was implied that I would continue to take care everything.  I didn't mind I had been doing that all my life and it was the safest I had ever felt.  Of course three years later that life was over basically finished over night a 13 year relationship was over.  We have spoken once since then.

The rest of the story is old and I am sick of it by now. I have recreated myself since then some things intentionally and some changes forced on me.  After all of the work I have done in counseling and in Al-Anon I never even considered addressing my diet and that changing it could change me.

I could say that the way I feel is because all the stars are aligned now and that is why I feel so good.  Maybe that is partially true but my mind is different.  I don't get stuck in the problem loop like I use to dwelling on the past or any particular problem.  I feel whole and excited about what is going to happen next. I have never experienced this as an adult.

The change isn't easy and has stunted my social life for sure.  I have long term relationships built around food.  I am rarely hungry and that makes the reward of eating less interesting to me.  Since I am not that interested in food my love of cooking has mostly disappeared.  I need very little to sustain me each day.  I did order the Flavcity Keto cookbook coming out May 15th.  His food is similar to what I like to eat and not too complicated.

I think I am really happy in a healthy way for the first time.  I feel separate and whole not wanting for anything today.  I have to say a word about Mother's Day.  My own mother even though I didn't have her long did good job preparing me and my sister for her not being around.

She instilled in us that we needed to think for ourselves.  She wasn't controlling and let us fall and suffer sometimes.  We were encouraged to work it out for ourselves even if this meant suffering
for her.   Thanks Mama.