Controlling my ADD and OCD - Being enough - You bother me too

 I have had an up and down week - really up on Thursday afternoon when I worked on straightening out my new studio room.  Because I am ADD with a little OCD  mixed in I can spend a lot of time getting ready to do something. Organizing is my thing and getting everything just right is my game.  What happens when I do get it right my mind wants to constantly tweak it over and over. 

This makes me an excellent designer and I have an eye to get everything just right. Unfortunately when I am trying to accomplish a task the actually task never gets done. Always in a state of preparing for something not doing the thing.  After a lifetime of living with this I just make myself dive in and start working even if it is in a heap of mess on my desk. I just focus on the task and stay with it until I am finished. Blocking out my surroundings.

I did take the afternoon to organized and sort through all the stuff I have carried from other rooms to the studio.  I had a ladder in there with a bunch of tools where I replaced the ceiling fan last week with a 2 x 2 flush mount led light with 5000k bulbs.  The problem with getting older is there is not enough light ever. Now I am able to see perfectly with the daylight bulb.

I have been practicing portrait drawings from the 100 faces in 10 day challenge. The challenge is over and I am doing more like 10 faces a week. I have be drawing tiny little faces for some reason which is really different for me. I am using mechanical pens to get the details.

Now for the rest of the down part of the week starting with an angry man yelling at me because the price of what he wanted is higher than what he imagined. This is my world with pricing and the expectation of others. Usually it isn't the in my face kind of reaction - no mask either. 

The week went on and Wednesday without knowing it I was exposed to Covid by a coworker. He had it before but has never worn a mask. It is rare that we interact but he came into the office where I was talking to someone else.  It was Friday afternoon before I found out I had been exposed. I have been vaccinated and hope that between that and my excellent immune system I will be fine.  I exposed my customer on Friday they were not wearing mask. 

It is tricky out there because all this is so complicated for the brain. We just want a clear choice and we want to just dig in to one thing.  We were made to make simple choices every day to stay alive. That is how we operate not really weighing 20 options and then carefully deciding what is the right one. This is why we only listen to people that agree with us or even look like us because that is the way we are wired. 

I just heard a scientist say for someone to change a childhood core belief it takes 2 years. It isn't fun to be the person questioning their beliefs.  I have spent my whole life analyzing the beliefs I have in my head and figuring out where they came from and whether they serve me now as an adult. 

I know too much now to accept the status quo. I have done too much digging and now I can no longer live in a fairy tale. Being awake hasn't made me happier but it is too late to go back now. I am peaceful and happy most of the time. I accept people where they are unless they are in my face or in my space and then I will stand up for myself. 

No one really knows how they appear to other people especially me.  I have worried about this all my life because I am not everyone's cup of tea an acquired taste one so called friend said. Since I have found happiness in my own solitude I have stop really worrying about it. This has felt like real freedom to me.  I have always felt like I was a bother to people in some way. Now I say - so what! They bother me a lot of times too so I am over it. 

This is what birthdays do to you they tell you - your time is running out so you better get on with it so I am doing art and loving it.  I am pretending I am in school and practicing every day and watching videos about art.

I woke up today tired and a little cranky my new neighbors are having celebrations every Saturday night on their back porch. It was going on until after 1 am.  It is just talking but we live on a small ravine with water and it echos. No music just loud voices of discussion. I am sure they have no idea how loud they sound.  When I had meditation groups on my porch I would say "don't say anything here that you don't want the whole neighborhood to hear."  This is what happens with sound and water. 

I feel better after writing so I am off to do a few chores and some art. 

Mind Control - embracing your ugly side - fear - I can change

Mind control is always at the top of the list of things I work on daily. It is of course my own mind that I am controlling.  I use to think the it was unique something I was born with and had to cope with even if it made me unhappy a lot of the time.  Science use to say that you were who you were basically after the age of five years but now they have found the brain to be more plastic.

All is takes is a little change to create new pathways in the brain even something as small as using a different foot to start climbing stairs. Taking a different route to work or trying to write with your other hand. None of these things are easy because the brain is efficient and wants the same path as always the more things on auto pilot the better.  We are geared this way so we are free to watch out for predators hiding in the bushes. When we make changes it takes all our focus until we get a new path laid. 

This is like the best news ever to me that I don't have to just live with who I am warts and all.  I can choose everyday to lay aside the ideas I have about myself that don't work for me anymore to embrace the day and all it has to offer me. 

I often hear my co-worker say "I am too old to learn that now" when I regularly show her shortcuts on the computer that would make her job easier but she isn't interested.  This is what we have be taught basically that your maxed out an you should just settled down and wait for the end. 

The voice in our heads are just well laid paths that started early and feel permanent because we repeat them to ourselves over and over. We have the power to change them.

Early on with Al-Anon I learned to listen to that voice that told me I was a victim of this life. I started to hear the self talk that kept me from being happy with who I was and I learned to stop listening. The next step over the years was to to address that scared unhappy child within. She was bored or stressed about the future and really wanted to be comforted and assured that we would be alright.

Now days I just assure her that we have handled many things and that together we will be alright. It is okay to acknowledge fear or for me acknowledge boredom these feelings won't kill me. Sometimes when I am stuck in for longer that feels comfortable I tell myself "this is just one day and tomorrow I will feel different".  It is the running from the feeling that makes me feel bad like being chased by a tiger.

Just sitting with the feeling and trying to soak it up makes it dissipate because it can't eat you. It is the pushing back and the thinking "I will always be like this" that pull you under. It is waking up the next morning a project another day of more of the same that keep you stuck. Setting your intentions.

I can't end this post without addressing the food factor in all of this. What we eat everyday gives our brains either protection or poison. We need protein and fat to lubricate the brain to be able to make good decisions.  When I was depressed my favorite foods were chips and salsa - Macaroni and cheese - or a brownie every night. These things made me comatose and numbed my pain. Keeping wanting more.

I wanted death at the time so I really couldn't care for myself. I only voiced this to a close friend every once in a while they thought I was joking. I am a strong person and from the outside it appears I don't need or want any help. There are a lot of us out there who are more comfortable supporting other people but we are human too and a kind word or a thank you would go along way. It might be an awkward moment but it will pass. Thank someone today for just being there for you.. 

Goals - Milestones - Hacking the brain

I have felt flat for a few weeks my interest in anything had vanished.  This scares me because I felt like this a long time when I was depressed.  I would live each day just doing a mundane list of things that were required to stay alive. Luckily it lifted Tuesday just as quickly as it appeared. What a relief to be engaged again getting things done. 

I could blame it on the over the counter hormone creams suggested by my doctor or it could be the emotions of the world at this point.  I am super busy at work and spent yesterday just trying to feel human again.  I didn't give myself the usual list of things to do and just spent the day cleaning and doing laundry.  I did make a small book shelf for the art books I moved up stairs. I needed to put them on a shelf so I took an old drawer head and cut the ends off and skewed them vertically onto the center piece. A u shaped shelf that keeps the books from falling over. It was the exact size to fit the books I have. 

I recently listened to the science of how our brain chemicals are set up to release feel good hormones in increments as we move towards our goals.  Their example was if we found a honey comb in the top of a tree we were flooded with desire to reach to top of that tree for our reward. Once we got the prize that same chemical would disappear totally and we needed another prize to activate that feel good feeling again. 

This is why the planning process of getting somewhere or actually doing something gives us such a thrill while the actually trip or project isn't as exciting as we imagined it would be.The chemistry in the mind is only needs the idea of something to give us a quick charge.  I guess this is how video games work or even searching on our phones simulates the hunt. 

The important thing is that the big goal has to be achievable in increments so that we can get to a place of small success. If the goal is not reasonable and seems so far out there that it will never happen then it won't work.  I guess I would call that milestones in the process.

It is funny to me that this is how I have always tricked myself into doing the next step towards getting something done. Convincing myself that it was just this small thing that needed doing today and not to worry about how big the project is. In the program we would say "you can eat an elephant one bite at a time". 

In the old days I would get paralyzed by the size of a goal and if I didn't think I could get it done perfectly all at one time I would just not do it. Now I realize that it was my desire for perfection that keep me from even trying. Now I know that the planning is part of the joy I feel and I should enjoy the process instead of the result.  When the project is finished I will just have to make new plans and start all over with another project.

I guess that is why I do have the perfect job for me. I can do all the planning and turn it over to others to make it come to life while I am planning something else and activating those feel good feeling. The lesson is to make big goals but not too big and have milestones along the way to celebrate. I think this is especially important right now with so much time alone with ourselves.