I deserve better - games our mind plays on us

I am working on my art and feeling great today.  It is my birthday three day weekend and I have been waking up earlier and working on a portrait drawing method called "Atelier" I think that is the right spelling.  It is a drawing method that is very mechanical and tedious and a real challenge.  The point behind it is that your own eye doesn't really see what is there.  It fixes things that it sees based on what it has seen before.

This made me think that this is the way we see life in general.  Our version of the truth filling in the parts that we don't understand or really can't accept.  We all do it explaining away what someone meant or why they hurt us.  We just can't imagine they did those things on purpose.  Our version is easier to swallow and keeps us in the game.

I watched a psychiatrist explain that when you get stuck for a long time it is usually because you don't want to make the other person out to be the bad guy.  We take on the behavior of the other person as our fault.  Instead of saying that the other person did not treat us right and we didn't deserve to be treated that way no matter where they were coming from. 

This is me I have always blamed myself for not being good enough. This was disguised by my explaining away someone else's behavior instead of just letting them go first physically and then emotionally. 

For me it is the thought that "I deserve better" in my own mind I was never too sure that was true. I had labeled myself as a problem early on because to my family I was a problem. I felt honored that people would be my find friend or my partner for that matter.  I was so lucky to find people that would put up with me. 

I worked hard to keep those relationships by being of service. I would anticipate the needs of others hoping to keep those relationships alive.  I wanted to be loved and I learned early if you do stuff for other people it makes them happy and they definitely like you better.

This of course is giving with strings attached and it is often very one sided.  It is at the core of all of my suffering and it leads to the draining of my soul and my energy.  Nice people are good to have around when you need them. 

I am not saying you shouldn't give and I have given a lot but when you are doing it because it is expected or because it makes a you see yourself as a nice it can ultimately drain you of all your energy.  

I have given to those I have loved and it never occurred to me that it wasn't without strings. I saw my mother give until she was invisible and then she got sick. She was taught that this is what God wanted her to do. In all the pictures of her she wasn't smiling and if she was it did not seems genuine. She had to get sick to be taken care of. 

I know now that my mind as well as my eyes tell me what I want to see and hear.  It is nature's way to deceive us when reality doesn't quite measure up. I have painted a rosy picture many times when I just couldn't handle reality. I am happy to have found a new passion with my art something I have wished for all my life but never thought I was as good as a real artist should be.  

I had a good birthday and heard from a lot of people that love me just the way I am. It is nice to feel free and happy without the inner critic running my life. Happy birthday to me.

How important is it? - Letting go - stress

I am in a better place this week even though work has been even more stressful than it was last week.  When you deal with the public it seems that you have difficult periods where you get caught up in a lot of small problems for me mostly things I cannot solve. At these times it is hard to remember the jobs that went right.

Our company does a great job of fixing whatever the problem is but not a great job of communicating what or when this is going to happen. By the time I find out about it and contact someone they have already sent someone out to take care of it.

It is way more efficient on the back side but it does cause the customer distress because they are not hearing back from anyone. It does really work out in the end. I just tell them that it will magically get taken care of if they give it a day or so. 

It is dysfunctional like a family and either you can hang with it or not. If you have got to know what is going on all the time then this is not the place to work. It isn't my responsibility to change it so I adapt the best I can. 

I am better in my old age at being flexible and not be outraged by the actions of others.  The lack of efficiency and all the time wasted re-working things in the past would have drove me nuts. When I was worked in true corporate america I worked my way up in the company so I could make changes to help make things easier fro everyone.  

My brain is solely interested in making things better whether at home, at work or even when I see problems at a store. I can't help myself but now I can just let it go knowing this is how the world works. One cashier in the garden department on a Saturday with ten people in line waiting for a manager to okay a plant on clearance. 

To be happy in this life you have to let go of everything that you have absolutely no control over.  This is the secret we don't want to accept. I can close my eyes and imagine something different but I have to accept the reality in front of me.  How important is it?  That is one of my favorite slogans from the program. It works if you work it.  That is another one. 

Choosing happiness - Living with what is real

I am feeling a little down the past few days like I am caught in some sludge moving at a snails pace. I had some news yesterday that didn't help after having some trouble with my ac it turns out I need a new motor.  This wasn't expected since the unit isn't that old. I am not sure at this point whether it is in warranty period we are talking a couple of thousand. 

I also went to the dentist and they want to do some work there to which is evasive and costly. I feel a little deflated at this point but I am grateful that I have the means to do both of the these things. It will slow down my saving plan but that is what saving is for isn't it. A rainy day which is what a lot of people are experiencing right now. 

It doesn't help that I started a weight lifting routine this week and have felt like I was in a car accident. It shows me that I really need to get into shape. I am grateful that physically I don't have any real problems since I have changed my diet and I have committed to increasing my stamina with weights.

The limitations we put on ourselves are in our mind. Planted by the media both the good and the bad it has shaped us in ways we will never really know. It gives us the idea that if you are older you are limited in what you can do physically. There are a lot of women over 60 defying that notion - sculpting there bodies in ways that no one could image was possible. This good media. 

I was raised on TV with my mother sick no one monitored the hours I spent there. TV was what kept me busy when no on had time for me. It made me believe in a world of happiness and sunshine that never really existed. When I couldn't find it I blamed myself thinking I had done something wrong. I tried even harder and when things went right I thought I was doing something right but it never lasted and then I went back to blaming myself again.

I thought I controlled the happiness in my life even though I always felt like something bad was lurking in the shadows and I was right. What I didn't realize was that life consist of ups and downs all the time. Everyone has there sadness to bear and it is how you face those trials that makes the difference. 

I have found happiness not like those TV movies on Hallmark where everyone is happy with great jobs and the perfect mate but in enjoying the day that is before me. I can choose not to waste it. To pay attention to what is happening today and find peace and joy. 

There is a lot of good things in my life and for that I am grateful and luckily the weather is perfect and I don't need my ac this week while I am getting this sorted out. 

Family - Addiction - Peace Versions of Reality

My family came and went this past four days.  It was a nice visit everyone seemed pretty chilled out without stressing out over the the schedule.  My sister and I we don't have any big angst between us anymore except at one point she said Obama was a big fake and the secretly he was really just as bad all the rest.  She compared the president to Bill Clinton and his treatment of women I just let it pass.

Sometimes when you aren't quite comfortable with your own position on something you have to make the other side out to be a villain of some sorts.  I know this is what I have done with my ex's and other problem situations in my life.  You can't just say "it just doesn't work for me."  Or "things have changed and I have moved on." 

You have to justify why you don't like or want to be part of something anymore or why your better off.  I think this is how you get past the guilt of moving on or letting go of the hurt of something ending.  In my sister's situation assuring herself she is on the right side of things.  Before the election we both spoke about the fact that the man is a sociopath. We actually agreed on that I am sure at this point she would say she never said that.

With the death of our mother we both have built a fortress around our version of reality.  She also ended up in the middle of full blow addiction.  She went to Al-Anon a few times to help someone else and said "it really wasn't for her she wasn't in denial and the people there were so strange."

She knows what is  best for everyone and she will tell you that. Sounds just like an untreated Al-Anon to me.  I have no desire to do anything about that anymore. She wants to save everyone but when you are dealing with addiction they have to want to save themselves. Like they say "cunning baffling and powerful."

When you are dealing with addition it is not the person you knew anymore.  There are two people in there one running things the other small and scared taking orders.  I felt this way when I was depressed.  I felt like I was a prisoner of my mind and the negative self talk. I just wanted to end that talk and thought I couldn't live another day like that.  I imagine that is the way addiction feels with the substance giving you temporary relief from the self -abusive talk.

My sister said "we didn't turn to drugs or alcohol to solve our problems."  I said it was because we had a strong foundation to start with and probably because we were control freaks.  I really don't know why some are more susceptible than others.  Grace is really the answer to that question.

I am grateful that I have some peace with my family after all these years.  Time does have a way of making you realize it isn't really that important anymore.  It feels good to spend four eventless days with my blood relatives without trying to change anyone's mind or even state my own.

 

Sprung a Leak - Disaster

So last night after my post I went into my bedroom to watch the tube and suddenly I felt wet. I maybe old but not that old. My water bed sprung a leak. I know what your thinking, you have a water bed isn't that from the dark ages. Yes it is but it I love it. It doesn't look like a water bed so unless you lay on it you wouldn't know. It keeps me warm and I sleep like a baby.

I had to move upstairs and sleep on my sofa bed. It wasn't terrible but it wasn't the cocoon I am use to sleeping in. My bed is old and needs replacing my ex and I bought it the first year we were together. I think it is appropriate the I am emerging from grief over that relationship and I am getting rid of the bed. I also got a dual mattress in case I might share it with someone else one day. That is looking forward to the future.

I thought about how I might have handle a crisis like this before the program. Actually, back then I had such a tight control over every inch of my life that if someone sneezed and it wasn't on the schedule I was devastated. I know what is important now and I realize the insanity of thinking I can control anything. By the time I attended my first meeting everything that I thought was certain in my life was gone.

I felt victimized by my circumstances and had to make changes in my thought process. First I had to learn that if I thought of myself as a victim then I was a victim. They told me no victims just volunteers. This seemed harsh what about all the wrongs that had been done to me? This is where it took time and I wasn't ready for a long time to look at my part in the disaster of my life. Then came compassion, compassion for myself first that I didn't know better, I was trying to survive. I didn't have the tools to cope with the behavior caused by the addiction in my relationship.

This is where it gets tricky having compassion for those that hurt you. It is so hard and for me some of those people were not alcoholics. It helped me to look at each person and find a way of accepting they did the best they could, just as I did. But I didn't inflict the kind of pain they did, how do I know? My tongue was sharp and I could lay low and strike at a very opportune time, when the other persons defenses were low. We all see things through our specially made lenses blocking out the things we don't want to see.

I was a martyr and occasionally I am still a martyr, on my worse days, but it doesn't last long. I have grown up in a lot of ways and don't allow myself the luxury of feeling victimized. I hate that about the program taking responsibility for every piece of you life, not being able to wallow in self pity. You can still do that but you will have to do that with someone outside the program.

I never know where this writing will take me each day. I start with something and then it totally changes. So back to my disaster, I ordered the bed and for the next 14 business day I will be without my cocoon and I will adjust. It isn't life or death and I will survive.

Under the water

I woke up sad yesterday and couldn't face the day so I didn't. It was my day off but I wanted to go in and get caught up but I couldn't make myself do it. I thought I was free from feeling like that but apparently not. I didn't beat myself up too badly but I kept thinking of all the things I could or should be doing.

It reminded me of the weekends after my husband left me. I spent Saturdays doing chores and being with friends and then Sunday the loneliness caught up with me and I wondered if I would be alone forever.

That time in my life didn't last forever and this time won't either. I met someone after three years of grieving and 16 years later I am at the end of another 3 years of grief.

I read the a passage from Courage to Change this morning I think it was yesterday's and it talked about that we are never in exactly the same place again, even if it feels like it. Spiritually we have grown even if we can't see it in ourselves.

My emotions aren't fact and the reality is that I have only been alone when I have wanted to be alone in my life. The three years that it has taken me to grieve is part of my own internal plan. I haven't been ready to move on and get back out there.

The days of sadness are pretty far apart now and it has been at least a month since I couldn't face the reality of my life. Progress not perfection is the fall back position. So I was under the water yesterday and today my head is just above water and tomorrow will even be better.