Labels we give ourselves - Fear - I am still here

I seemed to be in a time of peace personally regardless of how my last post sounded.  It is rare for me to just have a longish uninterrupted time period when I am not filled with some kind of mild anxiety. It usually comes in the form of not doing enough. Wasting precious time without accomplishing something.

This holiday period feels different to me despite the fact that we are surrounded by death and our leader is totally uninterested in even talking about it. As I have mentioned before I lived with a milder version of this type of personality and the best way to cope is to not react to them at all. The media can't help themselves and when he is gone - just like with my relationship - life will seem dull and empty. 

At first you feel relief and then it feels as though something is wrong. You chase around looking for something to fill the void that has been left. You are addicted to the chaos of living day to day on the edge of something. We are a country that thrives on reality TV because we can't stand our own company. The news networks will be in withdrawal when this is over and it will be over.  

Like it or not this is just another form of addiction the need to be entertained every minute afraid to address the dark thoughts we have about ourselves. These thoughts stem from how we interpreted our lives when we were children and not fully formed. To heal we have to address the lies and see that they are holding us back. 

I have never faced the fears I have about myself willingly. I had to have mental breakdown that left me void of all feelings before I faced my own fears. I gave up all the attachments I had that defined who I thought I was. I realized that no matter what I lost I was still here a human still on this planet.

The labels I had created for myself that were gone didn't keep me from existing. The idea of who I was that didn't fit anymore and were just in my own head. My own story created with the character of me was only in my head and I had to move on.

Today I am enjoying reading something that has required too much focus for me over the past few years. Reading saved me when my first husband left. I slept with 10 to 20 books in the space he vacated in my bed sometimes so many I barely had enough room to sleep. Mostly self help but I was looking for the answer to my painful life. To read for pleasure seems so strange.

The virus has a lot of us alone with our child within and we are forced to cope with our fears. It feels like we are being chased and if we turn around it will be over. This is not true no thought can hurt us unless we believe that it is more than a thought. My lie was that I was unlovable that something at the core of me made me different than other people and made me unlovable. 

Where did I get the idea I was unlovable it came from feeling like I was a burden to my family because I was high energy and excited about life.  I had a million questions and a million more creative ideas to pursue and life's routine was slowing me down. As a child I couldn't believe people could be happy with what they were doing day to day and not questioning wasting so much time.

Okay enough of the soap box.  I am grateful for the life I have lived and my circumstances now. I am grateful that I am a driven person always getting things done. I am also grateful for the devastation that made me see that without this drive I was still a whole and complete person. It made me lean into nothingness and seeing that it couldn't hurt me. 

Losing my identity gave me the chance to start over and with no work on my part I could slowly pick up the pieces that still felt like me and leave behind everything else. I could accept the fact that I would never be the same and look forward to the new me. Maintaining who I thought I was was exhausting.

I have five days off for the holiday and I am just puttering around the house doing what I want.  I don't have any projects on my list yet.  I am going with the flow and resting while I can which is nice.

Have a Merry Christmas even if you are social distancing and know good or bad "this too shall pass". 

 

More lies I tell myself - 4th step work - Villains in my story

I have written 16000 plus words in the last 24 hours. It wasn't intentional but I began to write the story of my life as now view from where I am today.  I always ask myself if this is healthy for me or is it someway to put down deeper grooves in places in my brain that I am trying heal.

I think the love affair with our story can keep us stuck forever if we want. It is only in our own mind and anyone that we include in that story has no input in the story we have created. They can't defend themselves or explain what they were thinking at the time. It is just our version of the story.

We can make them the villain and us the hero whenever we want.  I know most people will think that they know exactly what happened and why the other person was wrong and they were right.  This of course how we live with the choices we have made and the wrongs that have been done to us.

I get it.  It is how we cope with the nature of what life dishes out to us. Our brain just keeps washing over these details until we feel better about them or more justified in the pain we carry inside. Again the other players not able to defend themselves.

Over the years I have done this kind of writing first really a fourth step and then again years later to see how far I have come healing the hurts. With every pass I see less and less pain towards the villains in my story. I can see just how screwed up my own thinking was when I entered these situations. Can I forgive them - Can I forgive myself. It comes down to our motives and there motives. 

I have forgiven just about all of the villains in my story except really one. My stepmother. I am not sure why I feel this way. Maybe because she was the one person that had the opportunity to change the course of my life. If she had been a better person and realize I was just a girl who had just lost her mother. She could have made me feel safe and loved. I know she had her own problems. 

Don't try to talk me out of this it won't work. I know intellectually that hurt people hurt people and I have done my share of hurting people. Her words her actions made my then developing brain believe that I was not enough and that to be loved I had to earn it. I had to be whoever another person wanted me to be. To be me was just not good enough.

I have to be honest after the writing I have done I was getting this message before she entered my life. I was a unique child and ask a lot questions. I was got whippings in name of love for having a mind of my own. Nobody appreciates independent thinkers. 

In my experience we are just weirdos alone on our on paths. I have been lucky to learn slowly to embrace myself and find a niche that doesn't draw too much attention to my uniqueness. I can do what I want and enjoy my life in the shadows. I have had my time in the sun and enjoying my anonymity. 

I think writing is good it has saved me plenty of times. Writing in my journal and especially writing here. I don't regurgitate my past too often but this weekend it felt right to me. I know the areas that need work because I get stuck and feel a little sick to my stomach. I have to take a break and begin again. 

I have healed my sad story by seeing the courage of my young self and I did beat the odds that were against. I was smarter than I ever gave myself credit for no matter what successes I had. I feel good today and happy to able to share my journey here. 

 

Something is in the air - What is coming

Sometimes you just feel like you are on the edge of something. You don't really know why but there is something in the air. This time of year especially for me I get a little more time for reflection since it is way past getting anything major project done before the holidays. 

It  is a beautiful day here at least 70 degrees and I felt for a moment inspired to go to the basement and get my wreath for the front door.  For a moment I looked at all the boxes marked Christmas and then decided to pull them down one by one. I had a whole box of lights marked 2012 and decided to open it. 

Each set of lights inside had been carefully wrapped in loop and tied with a twist tie. This is when I thanked myself for being on the OCD side of life.  I was able to just plug each group of lights in and see if they worked and all but one still did. I put them back in the box to carry upstairs along the wreath. 

When I got to the top of the stairs I stopped and thought "do I really care about this kind of stuff anymore?" I wonder what happened to the person that lived and loved this kind of stuff? Is this what happens when you get older and you have less people in you life?

Sometimes I wish could go back to being that person.  The truth is that person hasn't existed since I was a child and maybe that is how it should be. In my twenties living with active alcoholism I demanded that my husband help me go all out decorating for Christmas. I remember we spelled out NOEL over the garage using about a million nails. He thought I was nuts and maybe he was right. I wasn't happy.

I couldn't let what was happening in our real lives affect the perfect Christmas. We would go to a Christmas tree farm every year and cut down our tree. The first year we split I made him go with me anyway thinking this would re-kindle our love and he would leave his girlfriend for me. Can you imagine how pleasant this was for us. I do think this shows he did at least respect me to agree to this. He could have just been terrified to cross me at that point. 

I have to admit I don't let myself get attached to anything or anybody these days.  Dealing with the pandemic and being ask to isolate has been a perfect match for me.  Before I would feel guilty for not making plans or seeing anyone over the weekend but now I can hide behind the pandemic.

I see plenty of people during the week and do have conversations over the phone so the quiet is nice. The question of the day is will I put up those Christmas lights? Maybe. 

I feel neither happy or sad today and have spent the day doing errands and watching Hallmark. This makes me both in the spirit of Christmas and brain dead at the same time. Those people with perfect lives and great jobs and oh those decorations. 

While I was out today I did buy pumpkin to make dog biscuits for my co-workers.  I did this last year and it was a big hit. It always keeps me from contributing to their sugar consumption. 

I am grateful for where I am in my life today.  Although I feel 2021 will have some good changes in store for me.  I hope I am ready. 

  

Evolution - Change - Coping with Chaos

Back to work this week and feeling pretty good.  It was short week of only four days and only a few appointments but plenty of paperwork to do. I did feel by taking a short sabbatical from the day to day  I have lost my drive. The pressure I create for myself day to day doing what I do. Always planting seeds for future and harvesting those planted last month of last year today. 

I thank God that business is good even though it seems to world in a ball rolling down a hill right now.  Half the country holding their breath waiting for January 20th and the other half wishing the fake news was true and their man of the hour isn't out on his ear. The last thing my brother-in-law said to me before left was  "there will be riots in the street when this election is reversed." I said nothing took his gift of mega toilet paper and left.

I understand where they are coming from and why they are attracted to this wild west form of charisma.  We  have been at a stalemate for a long time and then we have a guy that comes in and says "who cares about the rules this is my town and I will do what I want!" It feels refreshing to have a leader who totally throws out everything our democracy is built on. This is also called a dictatorship. 

At this point the momentum has built up and the mob mentality has taken over. We want to believe none of this is real including the virus. We want to live in denial so we follow his lead.  I was there while I was living with alcoholism and it is how I coped with the reality of my life. I wanted to believe this charismatic person who told me not to belief my own eyes. The alternative was to see my dream and future was ending so I went along.  

When dealing with something we just can't bring ourselves to face we can create a world of our own. We won't let any information that might crumble any portion of our fantasy. It is too scary to face the truth. With today's media we can select the truth we want to believe and the algorithms will send us what we want to hear to keep us watching and buying products being advertised there.

After watching the pictures the crowd gathering at the bar on Staten Island I thought those who use alcohol to curb the anxiety of life must be going nuts as seen by these pictures. We don't have great coping skills for the regular problems of life and what we are facing now far exceeds the problems of the past. 

The mind cannot cope and living in a fantasy is how a lot of people are making it day to day. The deaths are just numbers on the screen and if they aren't our loved ones then we can dismiss them as not real. Just like when war casualties are announced it seems faraway. It is our brains way of putting what we feel we can't control aside so we can survive.

It is real for those people who have lost someone in this fight. Losing someone close to you will change your life forever. The death of my own mother to cancer changed the course of my life forever. I have never felt safe in this world. My belief in a God to protect me from harm didn't exist anymore. If my mother was taken after dedicating her life to God then what hope did the rest of us have. 

I am definitely not all doom and gloom and I realize that what we are experiencing now is evolution.  The ups and downs of growth and growth is painful. The old guard is seeing there time passing and they are freaking out. It is uncomfortable to know your time is ending and you have to hold on no matter what. They will morph into something else as we all do when life forces us to change.  

This too shall pass.  One step forward and one step back. This time has shown us what happens when one person decides to not follow protocol established by the wisdom of past leaders. Doing what is decent and right for everyone. Luckily we have laws even if they are being tested everyday and so far they are holding. Embrace change we will make it.