I am a seeker by nature always looking to make anything better this hasn't always helped me in the letting go department. I can always see the many possibilities that others aren't ready or even interested in seeing. My belief that there is a solution has sometimes left me stuck. I can't let go or move forward because I am sure there must be a way out. I have had to wait until something major happens to force me to more on.
I watched a show on Netflix about a process where you mentally - Just Let Go - You imagine your worries clenched in your hands and then you imagine releasing them. This does really work just like turning your problems over to God or meditating and watching your problems float off in a bubble one by one.
I have researched a lot modes of healing and they all have worked for awhile and I have benefited greatly from trying them. They brought me closer to seeing the power to control my own beliefs about myself. My mind and spirit working together to help me see how I was really hurting myself repeating my own jaded stories about who I was and what had happened to me.
It hasn't been a quick road for me but that is because I would have never accepted the simple idea that I had the power to heal myself. I loved and protected the story I had about myself and truly believed that I was permanently damaged to the point that I wasn't lovable. I proved this theory by surrounding myself with people who were just like me they could not love themselves either. We were broke together.
I think my stubbornness or really my inability to give up the narrative in my head kept me from taking responsibility for my own suffering. I was comfortable being the victim it gave me permission to do lay back and feel helpless for as long as I wanted. I had to get sick of this and write new stories.
I am not saying that I haven't been mistreated because I have but it is what I read into these times in my life that did the real damage. I felt like I needed these people to love me in order to feel like I belonged on this earth. I couldn't make this happen so I was lost still searching for a permanent connection.
I have made huge strides starting with counseling almost thirty years ago. My counselor was tough and didn't let my natural ability for self BS to distract the both of us from really scary parts of my story. The main benefit for me was that I had refused to grieve the many losses in my life. I cried for weeks until I got caught up. It was a huge relief and our time together was over. I felt better.
She suggested Al-Anon and I started going and was a quick study. I didn't just dip my toe in but I was all in I had tasted relief with counseling and I wanted more. Everything said there including the what I considered "silly slogans" literally saved my life. The meetings kept me from being alone in my head and blaming myself for all the things I had done to get myself into this mess. I felt better.
I did what we all do I met someone and spent a lot of years distracting myself with life doing what everyone says you are suppose to do to be happy. I adopted and created a new family and stayed a busy as humanly possible to avoid what I felt when I stopped long enough to feel anything. Dead inside.
You could say it was fate or you could say I manifested my own freedom but the shallow roots of my life were suddenly ripped out of the ground. All the stable things in my life were gone overnight. I had let my guard down thinking I was secure and there was nothing and I lost it mentally, emotionally and physically. I could no longer operate as the person I had been up until that moment. At first I had to deal with finding a place to live but once the dust settled I had nothing left.
My spirit was done and I could no longer run from what was chasing me. I let go and floated around in the the nothingness for what seemed like forever. I did what I had to do and pretended that I was the same person but I wasn't. Inside I had let go of the identity I had created for myself about myself. I gave up all the labels that I tried to live up to even being a spiritual seeker. I couldn't identify with anything I had been before I was too tired to fight. I was at zero.
I ask myself if I could live at zero and I said "yes". The funny thing is that immediately I felt better like the holding on had zapped all my strength. I didn't really have anybody left in my life by then. This was in part because those that like to help couldn't. I wasn't the rock anymore I couldn't assure them that I would be okay. This was uncharted territory I was letting go of everything.
One friend stayed by my side until they felt I was safe. They didn't ask anything of me or try to cure me in anyway they just let me tag along. I imagine it was like toting around a mannequin perfectly harmless but kind of strange. Looking back I want to believe that my spirit and my brain were healing me even without my conscious participation.
Letting go saved me in the end and even now while I am writing about the past I know that it was necessary for me to see through the lies I told myself. I felt damaged by my past to the point that I didn't think I could be happy but I was wrong. Nothing anyone has said to you or anything you have said to yourself is true. The events happened but only you give them long term meaning and accept the permanent damage you think they have done to you. This is a choice we make everyday.
It doesn't mean you don't have a right to be mad or even have to forgive those people but realizing that you are free to heal even if those people are gone or even dead. We give them so much power even from the grave sometimes. I am enough no matter what.
I keep writing here hoping that I can help keep someone out there from taking the long way like I did. I have found the person I was before bad things happened. I have found a way to stop running from the things that scare me because I know I can face them. I have learned to be grateful for what I have in my life today. I can talk about my past without permanently attaching it to who I am right now.
I can be happy and not be afraid of just letting go.
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