I got a text from someone in the program last week asking if I was interested in catching up. It had been so long since I heard from them that their name was no longer in my phone. I was apprehensive at first because the person I knew before was sad and kind of controlling. Our times together were managed down to the minute and being with them felt like walking around under a wet wool blanket.
I was having my own issues and already had my own wet blanket to carry. The time we spent together had some painful memories attached to them. The good news is their in a different place no longer playing the victim and martyr of the family. We get a lot of mileage from feeling like we are the only ones willing to take on the being the caretakers of our friends or family.
It is a terrible burden and does take a toll on you emotionally and physically but this is the choice we make. We want to live up to the person we think we are inside our own heads. I have done it until their was nothing left inside. Leaving only a ghost of a person.
It is hard to decide to choose yourself over the wants and needs of other people. If you are raised like I was it is your responsibility to give your all and sacrifice even your health if necessary. I saw this with my mother no matter how sick she became she wanted to live up to the person everyone believed her to be. At her funeral the church couldn't hold the crowd. This is what we all want right?
Her life was incredibly short and our little family shared her with everyone. I always felt like she was exhausted living up to the saint she had become. Her family calling constantly with one self created crisis after another. My dad was the saint without every a complaint sharing her with so many all the time. She was doing God's work. He thought she would live forever.
It was hard for him when the end came he felt like if God was going to heal anyone it would be her. I don't remember her being that positive about this life or joining his enthusiasm about being healed. I think her life had been hard and this life too confining. She just stayed too busy to feel joy. Every picture a forced smile on her face.
My sister would totally disagree with everything said here because it is easier to pretend everything was perfect than to admit we all are flawed including our mother. If she could have said no sometimes and learned that she deserved to take care of herself then maybe she wouldn't have gotten sick.
Those that sacrifice for others are mostly invisible to the rest until they are not there anymore either physically or emotionally. It is our choice to give until there is nothing left. It is our responsibility to see that sometimes this kind of giving is done to fill a hole that we have in our life. We think no one will love us if we aren't their savior but others have to be given to the opportunity to save themselves sometimes. It also makes a void for others to step up and do their part.
Most of the time no one ask us to make the sacrifices that we make but then we resent those that take advantage of our generosity. I did this for many years and it always started from a place of not expecting anything in return and then feeling drained but too stuck to stop. I don't carry the burdens that rightfully belong to other people anymore.
I am happy for my friend that they have found peace and happiness just like me. I never thought that would happen for them or for myself. We all have to find our own way even if it takes a lifetime.
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