Spiritual Awakening - Being empty

Last weeks post that didn't get published...

I woke up late today and took my coffee out to the porch.   I heard a loud screeching noise from a flock of birds.  It is very wooded in the back and I noticed a large owl sitting on a branch with dozens of birds flapping around him.  He didn't look like he was that interested and was ignoring them. I wondered what it would be like to get that kind of reception where ever you went. 

We are different from the animals in that we have psychological feelings and the animals don't. I am guessing the doesn't sit around and thinking "why don't these birds like me?"  Maybe asking their mate "what can I do to be more liked?"  She might reply "stop eating there children for a start." 

I think we are the only ones plagued by self awareness and are worried about what other people think of us. We really mostly care about our inner circle but in general we expect everyone to like us. My mother taught me early on that not everyone would like me.  Mostly because we were persecuted Pentecostals.  It was expected that children of God would be outsiders in this world and not understood by the world.

I was comfortable with being on the outside for many reasons. I did help that I could lean on the religious angle to back me up.  It definitely didn't help the way I dressed and the fact that I couldn't participate in the dance session we had every Friday. 

It is funny now that I don't really fit in with the God's chosen group either. I never could buy the whole story that we had the answers and everyone out there was going to burn. I remember asking my daddy "what if we are wrong and those other churches are right?"

 It didn't make sense to me that we would be the lucky ones and all the other nice people were doomed. He was not happy with my many questions and it was the beginning of me having to choose between us and them.

I have lived my life on the fence which is a very insecure place. I haven't been able to believe without question anything really. I can always see the merits of both ideas if you are in the chosen group what better way to feel safe and secure.  It doesn't explain when bad things happen to good people. The story of Job it is all just a test. The holes in all the different  beliefs are the same.

I do believe we all have a spirit and some carry negative energy with them. Their brain has locked in on some event and they are stuck. Eckhart Tole said that he was so stress and agitated that is mind just couldn't take it anymore he had a spiritual awakening.  This is a story many people tell about there spiritual awakening. 

I have experience this myself I had a steady obsessive mind manically looking for the answer to my unhappiness and the negative self talk just kept searching for the answer and then there was nothing. One day I just woke up empty and calm and I have been that way ever since.

I read about this medically that when the brain reaches a point it can't function it basically snaps to protect it'self. I couldn't function any longer where I was and I needed a correction. It felt like nothing I had experienced before. Someone said to me pointing to some books I bought "the person that bought those books is gone aren't they?"  "Yes" was my answer I have no doubt that who I was before "the awakening" has been replaced.

First replaced by nothing and then slowly moved back to the person I was as a child. Without the imprints of sorrow and loss that being human lays upon you. It is an awkward place to be because you can see easily where others are because you have been there but you know you can't really help them. I want to shout "it isn't real" the pain you feel you are causing yourself with the words in your mind. 

I feel like the owl in the tree today just doing my own thing while birds are flying around me screeching. I don't even hear the screeching anymore. I care deeply that others suffer and offer words of encouragement but when your mind is in chaos - you can't hear me - I can't save you.

I do believe those that become addicted probably have a mind like mine.  One that can only be tamed with some kind of substance. It only works temporarily and then you want more. The answer I think is recognizing it is both physical and emotional and dealing with both sides of that is the only answer.  

I deserve better - games our mind plays on us

I am working on my art and feeling great today.  It is my birthday three day weekend and I have been waking up earlier and working on a portrait drawing method called "Atelier" I think that is the right spelling.  It is a drawing method that is very mechanical and tedious and a real challenge.  The point behind it is that your own eye doesn't really see what is there.  It fixes things that it sees based on what it has seen before.

This made me think that this is the way we see life in general.  Our version of the truth filling in the parts that we don't understand or really can't accept.  We all do it explaining away what someone meant or why they hurt us.  We just can't imagine they did those things on purpose.  Our version is easier to swallow and keeps us in the game.

I watched a psychiatrist explain that when you get stuck for a long time it is usually because you don't want to make the other person out to be the bad guy.  We take on the behavior of the other person as our fault.  Instead of saying that the other person did not treat us right and we didn't deserve to be treated that way no matter where they were coming from. 

This is me I have always blamed myself for not being good enough. This was disguised by my explaining away someone else's behavior instead of just letting them go first physically and then emotionally. 

For me it is the thought that "I deserve better" in my own mind I was never too sure that was true. I had labeled myself as a problem early on because to my family I was a problem. I felt honored that people would be my find friend or my partner for that matter.  I was so lucky to find people that would put up with me. 

I worked hard to keep those relationships by being of service. I would anticipate the needs of others hoping to keep those relationships alive.  I wanted to be loved and I learned early if you do stuff for other people it makes them happy and they definitely like you better.

This of course is giving with strings attached and it is often very one sided.  It is at the core of all of my suffering and it leads to the draining of my soul and my energy.  Nice people are good to have around when you need them. 

I am not saying you shouldn't give and I have given a lot but when you are doing it because it is expected or because it makes a you see yourself as a nice it can ultimately drain you of all your energy.  

I have given to those I have loved and it never occurred to me that it wasn't without strings. I saw my mother give until she was invisible and then she got sick. She was taught that this is what God wanted her to do. In all the pictures of her she wasn't smiling and if she was it did not seems genuine. She had to get sick to be taken care of. 

I know now that my mind as well as my eyes tell me what I want to see and hear.  It is nature's way to deceive us when reality doesn't quite measure up. I have painted a rosy picture many times when I just couldn't handle reality. I am happy to have found a new passion with my art something I have wished for all my life but never thought I was as good as a real artist should be.  

I had a good birthday and heard from a lot of people that love me just the way I am. It is nice to feel free and happy without the inner critic running my life. Happy birthday to me.

Triggers from the past - I don't belong anymore

I am off today and sometimes struggle with whether I should work or not.  This only happens on the Mondays I am off and never when I am off Saturday and Sunday.  It rained all weekend and I was in a funk yesterday feeling trapped inside instead of working in the yard which is my favorite thing this time of year.  When I don't have specific plans I feel like I could be working. 

I had a little bit of an emotional trigger with that came up while I was working through an old Sudoku puzzle book. I found it mixed in with my travel books and decided to see if I could still do them.   

The book starts out light and easy then moderate and then demanding.  The past few weeks I have been proud of myself for bringing my brain up to speed so quickly and was looking forward tackling the demanding.  When I turned the page they had been filled out. The first couple completely and the the next two with tiny little numbers in each box. It was my ex's hand writing so tiny and distinct. I forgot when we traveled we shared these books. Back then I didn't believe I was smart enough to do the demanding one. 

I was surprised by the feelings that washed over me when I saw that tiny print. The next day I made things worse because I had an appointment near my old house and I couldn't resist a a drive by.  I was happy that I felt nothing being there it is no longer my part of town and the yard and house looked a bit neglected. I am not there to take care of those things.  

That night I pulled out the book and erased the ones that had been filled out but not completed. I know now I can complete the puzzles on my own. It is funny how things can trigger emotions from the past and for me I have learned just to lean into it instead of resisting the feelings, This will make them pass quicker. 

My life is not the life I had imagined I would have so many years ago. I am happy with the life I have created for myself even if occasionally I wander back into the past. It is normal to do that it is only when you think you could have done something to change it that gets you into trouble. Everything is always changing and it is when we resist we get in trouble. 

I have finished two demanding puzzles and I am moving on. I did actually go out today and buy and plant some more flowers. Work will be there tomorrow waiting for me.