Living Solo - The ups and downs of finding myself

I think I mentioned this before but I am rereading a book called Canyon Solitude by Patricia C. McCairen.  I believe she was the first woman to solo down the Colorado river in 1994. This book is a coming of age story or really one persons journey of ridding herself of layers of the person she was told to be and the person she actually is inside.

By the time her solo trip takes place she has made that transformation with all the usual doubts popping up when you spend so much time alone. She has gone from a corporate NY job to living sometimes in the wilderness in a tee pee during winter with temperatures below zero. Not my idea of finding oneself but it is a good read.

It doesn't really deal with much of that just the daily the rituals of the trip with a few antidotes of how she arrived at securing permission to solo down the Colorado River.  The way it is written speaks to me and makes me realize that my quest to be my truest self is one of ups and downs and doubts and fears. I know I am not alone in this world on my quest. 

Counseling has really helped get to the heart of some of my false beliefs.  The part of my story that has laid the foundation of not believing I am lovable. She said I thought I was a victim in my relationships but I don't think that is true.  Yes in the beginning when I decide to leave home at 16 to protect my own sanity I did think - "why me?" I mostly have thought that it was because of who I was that made people reject me. 

By the time I left home my life had continuously about about survival. I learned that people really only care about themselves even though they are adults and you are their responsibility.  I know that everyone is just trying to survive and it is a rare person that can see past their own pain to help guide someone else.  It was such freedom to just accept I was my own responsibility and didn't have to maneuver around the wants and needs of my sick family.  

I became the same as them and built a wall between myself and the people I loved. Don't get me wrong I was there to bail them out or talk them off a ledge but I never wanted to burden anyone already hurting with my wants and needs. I did let one person break through emotionally and that ended in manipulation and fear and left me a shell of a person. 

I have over the years layer by layer removed the lies of my internal story.  The layers of painful things that happened to me that I took so personally thinking that these incidents proved that I was flawed in a permanent way. There was something about me that warranted being cast aside by the people that said they loved me.   

The real flaw was not showing that I was human and needed support too.  I surrounded myself with people who were happy to just take the support without having to give support in return. It felt like the perfect match until I had a crisis or I became weary and resentful in my role as giver. When this happens I withdraw and they find a replacement for me. 

I am not that person anymore and have lived neither giving or taking for a long time. Just like the woman on the boat I have become accustom to traveling solo and know I can do that. I have reached a point where I am looking for others like me who have become comfortable with who they are an just want companionship. I don't want to rescue anyone and I don't want to be rescued. I want to find adventure and peace together if possible.

Motivation - Gratitude - Depression

Motivation.  I have been lucky in my life that I am a very motivated person in our house we were taught that you need to be constantly contributing.  I think it is more than that for me I always want to be moving forward and I am really uncomfortable just relaxing and taking a time out.

The act of doing is just who I am. I remember sitting at the kitchen table as a kid annoyed because I had to come in and eat dinner. I had things to get done and eating was low on my priority list.  My mother compromised and would agree if I ate the vegetables on my plate I could leave the table.  This took about a minute and then I would be gone. 

In my life I have always been motivated except when depressed. When the depression was related to grief I never  feel guilty or beat myself up for doing nothing. I was doing something I was grieving and that took all my energy.

When my life went black and I experience something past grief more like shock I felt paralyzed and unable to do anything and I hated myself. I believed that I would feel that way forever and for that reason I didn't want to live. I tried all my usual tricks to get past this comatose existence and nothing worked.  

This is depression on a scale that is hard to describe to anyone that hasn't experienced it. My brain constantly worked on a solution for the nothing I felt. This searching went on 24/7 without a break.  In the past when I experience grief I took to my bed and could sleep 12 hours to escape the sadness and loss. This time I was different I couldn't sleep.

I have to repeat this story on days like today because I am not motivated to do anything on my mental list. It is my day off and I feel flat. I had an exhausting week and was irritable all day yesterday and knew I needed to not take on anything big.  I read a book and did my laundry hoping that today I would get something done. I am still un-motivated today.

I did get on the treadmill for 30 minutes and do feel better. I am listening to old 70's Rock where singers other than the originals are singing the songs. Really good but just a tiny bit off. When I am flat I have to remember that this is what happens when I need a time out. Being bored and uninspired is when your mind and spirit is regrouping.

I do want to say one more thing my depression. It was triggered by a life changing event out of my control. I didn't seek medical help because I didn't have insurance eventually I did and found out that my thyroid was out of wack. I had stopped eating because I was just not interested and this didn't help. When I started getting treated for my thyroid my mood swings leveled off and I started eating again. The shock of my situation affecting my physically as well as emotionally. 

With my depression I never considered a physical connection I just thought I have to just hang in there and hope tomorrow will be better. After a long recovery and I am grateful that I did recover and my self hatred changed to compassion and I am grateful not to be there anymore. I can appreciate that it is okay not to feel motivated every day. 

EMDR - Can I actually be joyful?

This is the time of year for doing stuff clearing out the cobwebs and evaluating where I am and where I am going. I got an email from the Master Gardening program letting me know that I can apply again.  It is funny just how important that was to me last year along with winning yard of the  month.  It seems pretty silly now and I not really interested in either. 

I wanted something to sink my teeth into to force myself to commit to learning something new. I didn't want to be still and address the restlessness I was feeling. It is the minds way of running. I have had to dig a little deeper this past year and with some professional help I have made some surprising discoveries. I feel lighter and today I actually woke up ready to embrace the day instead of bracing myself for the day. 

I am still seeing the counselor and with the EMDR I am really getting into my core issues. The issues from childhood that have been the foundation of ever decision I have made throughout my life. The usual - not being enough and some surprises like - I have been mad I my mother for not telling me she was going to die and that she didn't like me. Over time I have translated this into - I am not likable. The counselor there to question these beliefs and showing me how I could be wrong. Mind blowing. 

It is uncomfortable to face this kind of truth and tears are in my eyes now. I have based my whole life on the idea that I am unlikable an idea created by a child and then as and adult I then gathering proof the this idea was true over and over again.  

As an adult I see that mother was sick and thinking she my die and worried that I wasn't good at conforming and would have problems and she wouldn't be here. Part of this maybe true but the counselor pointed out the fact that she turned me loose to do whatever I wanted was proof that she knew I would be alright. I was a leader and wouldn't be convinced to do anything stupid or dangerous. She was sick and didn't have to worry about me. 

I was mad at her because she didn't tell me that she might not make it. Even if she was thinking it my daddy didn't let anyone say anything negative because his last hope was that God was going to heal her. I believe them because I was a child and you believe that your parents are telling the truth. 

I never imagined I could experience these of breakthroughs I think the EMDR therapy distracts you brain from its usual blocking mechanisms for difficult memories. With the counselor guidance and wisdom you get down to where the core beliefs came from. 

I have always thought she loved me but really didn't like me. I knew I was alone from that point on when even my mom didn't like me. This was my child's perspective and is the basis for the story I have been telling myself all my life. I was a child and this is how I explained this to myself. 

I am growing leaps and bounds these days. I have always felt that we start out life like a shinny ball and then life happens. Layers of wet blankets are thrown over us and we adapt to the weight until the shinny person we started out as disappears. 

I didn't willing faced my demons I was forced to face the pain of those outer layers when I was left by my husband at 30. The only person I had ever trusted left me and couldn't go on. I went to therapy and then Al-Anon until I felt relief and thought I was done but life dished me out another round that showed me I was far from it. I had another breakthrough but lately I have felt something missing.  I am happy and content but not joyful and really didn't think joy was possible.  I have felt moments of joy lately something I have only experienced with new love.  

I really think I am starting to see that original shine I once had. It feels strange and even a little scary but I am ready to relax and let myself be joyful.