I saw a video explaining one persons version of how energy works between people and how when you let go of someone suddenly you get a call. This has happened to me so many times especially with the intense addictive relationships where as long as I was grasping they were running. Sometimes even the day I felt like I truly let go I would get that long desired call.
Depending on my spiritual maturity at that time I would move on or start grasping again. The videos explanation was that we are like energetic magnets and when we are incomplete without someone or something our wanting actually repels the very person or thing we want.
This spoke to me on some many levels of attraction. How if you just think of someone without the "I wish they would call me" and you stay neutral then suddenly they call. I can also relate that to customers if I really like someone and I can't wait to work with them they seem to disappear maybe my neediness is driving them away. This has happened so many times.
I have been making a lot of progress in my counseling sessions even though you would think at this age I have addressed it all. I feel a freedom that I have have never felt before really ever. I attribute this to the use of EMDR and also my willingness to really to see my misguided (immature) thinking and "let go" the theme of the blog.
I have spent my life wanting things to be different than they have been and then blaming myself for causing these things to happen. Then I stayed mad I myself for not just moving on and accepting that this is how it is. The brain I was given is constantly striving for improvement and working towards a goal. This is great for getting things done but not for just accepting that somethings happen to us that is totally out of our control and not our fault. I want to be in charge.
I have ended up just isolating thinking I was the problem and didn't trust myself to not make another mistake. The immature side of me really believed I could out smart pain and loss. Sadly I am human and have to live the life of ever human before me and wasting what time I have left trying to solve the unsolvable it crazy.
I will never measure up to the version I have of myself or the version of my future all I have is today and even that is not completely reliable. Life is random and we can never be prepared for what lays before us good or bad. What I have found for myself is to just think about the possibility of joy today. In my mind I also imagine feeling joy in the future what ever that looks like for me.
Right now I am heading towards creativity and enjoying today without grasping or feeling like I am coming up short by not meeting my own expectations. I do have big fussy goals for a life that feels joyful. Despite what comes I will be able to feel joy even if it is just the small things. I will be okay no matter what I can find the place inside where I feel peace.
I will accept that even when things seem scary or out of control that all I can do to help things is to maintain a place of peace within. I will not add to the energy of fear or hate that will only give it more power.
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